AIBU not to help DD out with childcare?

[reesep]

DD has a son with special needs age 5, and a daughter age 1.

She has requested I look after them one day at a weekend, every month. She has also requested I do some daytime childcare during the school holidays

This is so she can get into nursing. She's desperate to be a nurse and has been accepted into a Healthcare Assistant role on bank, meaning she can pick shifts

AIBU not to provide such rigid help? It's too much of an expectation and I can't handle it

I do feel bad but it's just too much. She also lives 1.5 hours away so it would mean bringing the DC here

AIBU?

I agree with this in general and I have paid for every minute of childcare - never had anything from my parents or PIL - but a big difference here is that the DD can't find childcare because of her child's disabilities. That's not her fault and she didn't ask to have a disabled child so I would be more inclined to help if I could. It's really the OP's call on whether she can manage it - a day a month doesn't to me feel like that much but I don't know the extent of the disabilities and how the kids interact with their cousins, whether the OP works etc which are all relevant factors

YANBU - you still have children at home never mind their age. Not sure her desire to be a nurse fits in with her current responsibilities at home.

This must be a reverse nobody is that selfish. The grandma is also very young.

YANBU in the sense that if you don't want to do it you don't have to. I was expecting to read that she was asking for 1 day every weekend and other days in the week. This isn't really asking for much in my opinion so don't think she is being unreasonable but obviously it is your choice.

Who am I? Last I checked I was responding with my opinion to someone who asking for people’s opinions.

The OP isn't selfish.

She has her own 2 dependent children at home. One is in primary school and the other will be doing exams.

Looking after 2 much younger children will cause disruption to them.

The OP only has a responsibility to her own children not her older adult daughter's children.

YANBU

I have two DS with ASD and may need to give up my career to become a carer. People do not understand the difference in care needs. Plus another DGC and your own children.

Wow that's cold. Life does not always work out so well planned though does it. Our dc make mistakes. Our role as parents is to support when we can. I find British families' attitudes to family a bit cold and self centred sometimes. Op can equally expect to be shipped off to care home when the dd can't look after her. Everyone can just live without expecting anything of their own family and get together in Xmas once a year.

No. If you don't feel able to do it of course it's fine to refuse.

I don't mean to be insensitive, I know you said that the older child can't go to a paid carer, but if you have learned to care for him well enough that your daughter would leave him with you there must be others who could learn to care for him too - if not a paid carer then do the children have other grandparents? Aunts, uncles, godparents who could be asked? Also if her husband/ex isn't doing his share I hope she'd getting all the financial compensation she's entitled to from him.

Also why isn't the 'D'F coming in for a bit more flak here? Once a month seeing his own kids. Should him picking up slack.

Yanbu if this is how you feel but if this is a chance for your dd to train in a profession that she has always wanted to do, I would offer to help.

Her grandsons SEN and high care needs seem to be a big factor in not wanting to help.

Also apparently the reason he cannot go to a childminder etc

This isn’t unusual, my parents had always agreed they would happily help me out with childcare for work once my children were a bit older. However having one with SEN means that hasn’t happened because they don’t want to deal with extra care needs (understandable and their choice)

Thankfully I can receive DLA and Carers allowance or I would be screwed.

Yabu

I really feel for your DD.. she's trying to do something instead of sit on her a*se..

This is so sad! I also always knew what job I wanted but decided kids were a priority first. In my thirties I mentioned it to my parents who said they would happily help while I re-trained; I tripled my wage and am now loving my job. Their support with childcare over those three years while I did my degree have changed the lives of me and my children. Your daughter is not being unreasonable asking for your help. Of course you’re under no obligation but think how much it would help her if you could do this for her.

Ffs she was never sitting on her arse. She works bloody hard as a carer for DGS. She's not just a stay at home mum

@Pleasecreateausername13

but she could have done her training before having kids

thats what a lot of people do

she made her choice and choices have consequences

Why must it be?

Op you are definitely YANBU. Caring for babies toddlers and children with extra needs is completely different in your 30s to when you are in your 50/60s we look the same on the outside but boy do we get tired. Holiday care is not occasionally as the op pointed out holidays come round every 6 weeks with long summer holidays as well. I think you are actually being fair and kind to your daughter as others have pointed out the shift work is very unfamily friendly and she could embark on training that she can’t complete.

Yes may be cold however the OP has two other children she is legally responsible for. Due to the age of her younger child, she can't leave them at home alone.

Her older daughter's 2 children due to their ages and disabilities will disrupt her other children's home life.

No you weren't giving your opinion, you were telling the op her children should fend for themselves. Who are you, unless you know them personally.

Don't be ridiculous. She's not being selfish in the slightest.

How is your daughter going to manage shifts on placement along with academic work while she's training? She will surely need full time childcare, is she expecting you to do that too?

@Motheranddaughtertotwo

out of interest why did you decide to have kids first then go to uni/train?

you must realise that you’re very privileged to be able to have done that as not everyone has parents willing or able to help out with childcare to that extent

I am a nurse with a child who has special needs. I was already qualified before I had children.
My in laws are amazing and my husband is hands on. My husband works office hours and I work 2 nights a week, we overlap at home by about 10 minutes! It is tight if there is any hold upson the drive home!
My in laws collect from school and have the kids for a couple of hours so that I can have a longer sleep. They live near us.
During nurse training you have to be available to do nights and long days. The placements are in 10 week blocks usually so that could be 10 weeks of needing child care at a time. Either overnight or very early and late as she may need to be on duty drom 7-7.30, including travel would make a very long day.
Obviously once qualified, you can chose a job with shorter hours but the school holidays still need to be considered.
I can totally understand her asking for help and initially it may not seem a big ask at 1 day a month and a day here and there in the holiday but longer term, her need will increase if she starts the course and it will have a massive impact on you and your other children and a 3 hour round trip before and after each shift is just not really feasible, she would be absolutely exhausted!! And when school starts? How will he get between school and your house?
I don't mean to sound so negative but this all needs to be considered.