AIBU not to help DD out with childcare?

[reesep]

DD has a son with special needs age 5, and a daughter age 1.

She has requested I look after them one day at a weekend, every month. She has also requested I do some daytime childcare during the school holidays

This is so she can get into nursing. She's desperate to be a nurse and has been accepted into a Healthcare Assistant role on bank, meaning she can pick shifts

AIBU not to provide such rigid help? It's too much of an expectation and I can't handle it

I do feel bad but it's just too much. She also lives 1.5 hours away so it would mean bringing the DC here

AIBU?

I presume you have two other children at home as well including one in primary school and another about to do their exams?

I think you should be proud of your daughter for trying to make a stable career for herself. However hard this would be for you, it would be a hell of a lot harder for her.

It's sad your choice to continue having children younger than your grandchildren has impacted so much on the support you can offer your daughter. Unfortunately for her it looks like she's going to have to do it on her own. I wouldn't be expecting to see much of your grandchildren if she manages to pull this off and get them cared for elsewhere while she works/trains.

*^ this 100%.

Of course you don't have to look after them if you don't want to. It doesn't make you a bad person, or a bad grandmother. The future expectations may become greater due, as you say, to shift patterns etc..

Perhaps you should have thought about that before you had your kids then?

I don't have children younger than my grandchildren my other DC are 10 and 15

The replies on here are hilarious, girl gets off arse and tries to better her life for her two small children - tough she should have thought of that before having children.
If the OP had come on here stating - my daughter is on benefits and is a lazy shite - everyone would be saying why doesn’t she get off her arse and get a job.

Poor girl can’t win.

Well personally I couldn't imagine NOT wanting to facilitate my daughter in a life changing career move.

Families are supposed to help and care for each other. It's the whole point of them.

I find your attitude rather sad and I feel sorry for your daughter.

She has her own children to look after, that doesn't make her vile.

You don’t have to but I absolutely would. To give her a chance to get a career and some respite.

I am already factoring in helping my kids with childcare if I’m still able.

But she's not on her arse doing nothing, she's a carer to a disabled child. There's a huge difference

I don't think you are being unreasonable really. I think she's being unrealistic. Do you work or are you a sahm? I think looking after 4 kids is a handful best of times but plus the 1.5 hours drive, the high needs of one of the kids etc. A lot of nursing roles just don't have hours that fit with paid childcare (although some do).

I do feel sorry for your daughter though. Having to give up on a dream is hard and if she is mid divorce, has 2 young kids there's a lot going on for her. Any options for her to move back closer and you do a bit more hands on stuff in smaller doses?

1 day a month for your own grand children and occasional help at holidays. It's your grandchildren of course you are unreasonable. Also ur daughter is trying to study to become a nurse she's not out partying.

Glad ur not my mum! Help the poor girl out. My mum wld bend over backwards to help me out and I'll be the same for my kids.

@bumpytrumpy

OP's children remaining at home are 10 & 15. Her grandchildren are 1 & 5. She did not make a choice to 'continue having children younger than her grandchildren'.

OP, is there any way to find a compromise? Maybe every other week with alternative child care in between? Is there any way you could help her financially with that? Does the grandchildren's father pay support?

Well yabu. At least in my culture where families who love each other try to help each other if they have the means to. You seem to be able to help, so unless this is a drip feed and there are some deeper issues, you should help.

Exactly she's a carer to her own disabled child, whom she's trying to pass a lot of the lion share into OP who has her own children at home going through exams.
I'm with you op, if I ever have grandchildren of my own I won't be doing regular childcare either just like my own parents/in laws didn't.

So?? What’s your point? That means she can’t work? Or do a job she loves. Your other kids are 10 and 15, hardly babies and can fend for themselves. I honestly think using them as the excuse is poor all round.

She’s not a girl. She’s an adult woman and mother of two children she chose to have and needs to source suitable sustainable childcare for if she’s going to pursue a career like this. If she can’t cover her training she’s got no chance of managing when she needs to work. OP has her two young children who are dependents and need her to consider. It’s not doable.

Even if you help her out now there’s no way she’ll be able to undertake nurse training without a hugely increased level of childcare, and specialist childcare at that. I don’t think you are being at all unreasonable. I just think your daughter’s dream is incompatible with her circumstances.

I do feel for the DD, I’ve raised two disabled children with very little outside help, I’ve literally had to beg for a break, it’s been incredibly hard and lonely.
I want to better myself and get a career but it’s just one obstacle after another and I’m stuck at home still.
I wouldn’t dream of leaving my own DD in the same position and would do whatever I could to help her.

The OP has two other children at home.

One who is still in primary school and another who will be doing their exams.

Having a baby and a disabled 5 year old will cause disruption for them in their own home.

And who are you to decide how op should spend her time? And who are you to know that her 10 and 15yo should just fend for themselves?

Your other kids are 10 and 15, hardly babies and can fend for themselves. I honestly think using them as the excuse is poor all round

I doubt you would willingly look after a baby and a 5 year old with high needs if you were actually in the OPs situation. Her own children do still need care and input.

@Pleasecreateausername13 seriously? Her grandson is quite clearly disabled with very high needs, what if op isn't up for doing those care needs and god forbid he has a accident or something whilst in her care because she was pushed into doing something she wasn't comfortable with?

The daughter decided to have two kids, not the grandmother. The daughter needs to deal with her life choices and work around that accordingly not pass her responsibilities onto someone else because she didn't think her life plans through.

The OP's daughter will try and rope in her 15 year old sibling as well.