AIBU not to help DD out with childcare?

[reesep]

DD has a son with special needs age 5, and a daughter age 1.

She has requested I look after them one day at a weekend, every month. She has also requested I do some daytime childcare during the school holidays

This is so she can get into nursing. She's desperate to be a nurse and has been accepted into a Healthcare Assistant role on bank, meaning she can pick shifts

AIBU not to provide such rigid help? It's too much of an expectation and I can't handle it

I do feel bad but it's just too much. She also lives 1.5 hours away so it would mean bringing the DC here

AIBU?

You are obviously under no obligation to have them.

Your DD will not be able to be a nurse without some help especially if she doesn't have a supportive partner. Childcare hours do not fit around most nursing shifts, particularly during training where you get very little say in where and when you work. How sad for her

Drip feed there. 🙄

I do feel really bad as paid childcare isn't really an option here, she can just about get together a respite carer for her DS/my grandson

But as you say it's just too rigid and stressful, plus I have younger DC of my own

I wish I was your daughters friend

I would offer to do it for her to give someone a chance at improving their life

If this isn’t a reverse then I think you are vile
if this is a reverse your mums vile!

You think she's vile because she has young children of her own to look after and would find it too difficult to add in a baby and a 5 year old with high needs?

I have friends who are nurses and this is the thing, the training is really sporadic placement wise, and on top of that all the study etc. You can't just do student nurse bank shifts as a student nurse - it doesn't work like that.

It just won't work

Of course you don't have to.

YANBU. In theory, providing one day a month childcare plus a bit over the holidays sounds like it’s nothing, but when you have your own children to consider, it’s got to be regular and reliable enough, they live an hour and a half away, one of the children is a toddler and the other has significant care needs and this is being done with a view to putting your dd in a position to need even more childcare that she probably won’t get, the reality is that this is never going to work. It’s a huge ask of you.

I would be happy to help but not on a rigid schedule. I'd also be reluctant to take on the grandson if I had my own children to take care of and the other child is a baby so again a lot of looking after , perhaps if they were older .

Well this is the thing. If she got into nursing, the placements would require a lot more help from me. And then there's the random shift work

It just doesn't suit her sadly. It's awful as she's desperate to get into nursing but I just keep reminding her subtly how nurses are leaving in droves and she's had a lucky escape from the NHS

You’re right. It’s unlikely she will be able to be a nurse without robust childcare in place. When she’s on placement she may have 7am starts (so will need to leave the house at 6am). There is also the potential for night shifts if she has to shadow her nurse mentor. The whole career just isn’t family friendly if you’re a single parent.

Exactly. Ditto Midwifery etc

Any amount of childcare is a lot to ask IMO. It is not and should not be, the grandparents responsibility to look after the GC. It's okay to ask, but not expect it. If you don't feel you can/want to, then tell her so.

I feel really sad for your dd. If it were any of mine I think I would be giving them way more support than she's asking for already.

Most people would study before they had the children. Forgive what exactly? It’s not up to other people to provide you with childcare so you can do what you want.

In fairness DD said she would be happy to drive the kids down herself and drive back again to collect them

I'm really not sure she's even thought that through! She will be knackered and not want to drive 1.5 hours to collect them

@reesep

Yep when my sister trained my parents had to do a LOT of childcare. Over night stays, school pick up and drop offs (my sister was a single mum). My parents only agreed as my sister had the 1 child at the time who was very easy but it was still a big ask. The placements were earlies/nights and everything inbetween.

I must be extremely lucky. I’m going through a divorce and my ex is useless. My mother has taken my little one mostly every day. She never complains and always tells me if she can’t help her own children and grandchildren who can she help. And sorry OP my mother is a carer for family member as well. It’s tough at times but she’s happy to do it because it helps me.

Help your daughter when she really needs it.

YANBU.

I wouldn't do it either. It's not like your round the corner, is she really going to do a 3 hour drive there and back to pick them after a night shift?
Also with her sons needs and lack of childcare, it just doesn't sound suitable.

Everyone is ignoring you have a 10 year old and a 15 year old yourself.

I presume the 15 year old is in exam year?

You are not being unreasonable to refuse to offer her care especially as a regular commitment.

My own parents refused to care for their grandchildren but had no problem caring for their own children's much younger half and step-siblings. This was because due to the age gaps they were caring for older primary school children and teens. This is much different from caring for children under 5 and babies.

This. I won't be offering any type of regular childcare if I'm lucky enough to be a grandmother at some point in the future. I'll be more than happy to help out with babysitting etc but nothing that ties me to a regular schedule. I'll have brought up my kids and will be looking to enjoy the freedom to do what I want to do. You shouldn't have kids if you don't have the means to get them looked after if you want to go do something else.

If nursing was your dream for over a decade, why didn’t you do it before you had children? You can’t arrange your life so that you have no chance of achieving the thing you want and then blame other people for it.

There is nothing for you to forgive or forget when someone else won’t give you free regular childcare.

OP has more obligation to help the younger children she still has at home than an adult who wants to do a degree like nursing when she has a baby and a 5 year old.

I'm not really sure her being a nurse or not one day is the issue.

She's asking you for help so she can go out and work in a field she enjoys. It might only ever be as a HCA but HCAs can make a huge difference to patients, they have a really important role and in a life where she's been lumbered with a useless ex and she's doing 99% of the caring for her baby and her disabled son, it might be enough to do that.

Who would do the driving? Are you expected to drive 90 minutes to her, being them back to yours and then drive them home later and drive back yourself? I do think the driving is an issue.

YANBU: If she was desperate to be a nurse, she would have waited to have kids until she had qualified. Especially as she has two, she has made a choice and the consequences are she can't do the career that she wants right now, which is unfortunate, but you have your own children and this is not something you are prepared to do, and that is fair enough.