Skint Wife and Rich Husband

[TheSkintWife]

I have name changed for this thread.

My husband of 3 years is in a much stronger financial situation than I am. He earns a little bit more but has a lot of savings thanks to a large inheritance. The house is in both names but we're in a fairly low value area so not worth a big sum. We each pay half towards all bills and mortgage. He is earning a decent amount of interest every month on his savings whereas I'm getting into debt to try and make my share of the monthly costs.

We are married but it's been a short marriage so far and I don't want to split with him for this. Even if we were to split at a later date I wouldn't be entitled to his inheritance. We don't have children and both work.

He is really quite tight with his money and he has designer labels on all of his clothes and drives a nice car. I'm in Sainsburys clothes and knackered old Fiesta (which I love but that's not the point).

Is this how marriage should work? We were equal when we married for all those thinking I married him for his money I didn't. He inherited after marriage and I didn't know about the wealth of this relation.

So very likely that over the next thirty years ie before retirement, that there will likely be substantial discrepancies in your income. However as you say that it would
simply be a case of adjusting contributions and supporting more heavily the ones on substantially less - it does rather seem very different to the OP and this idea of equality in contribution. End of. But rather a flexible approach where equal when works for both but adjusted according to situation

@TheSkintWife Short marriage, no children. Leave, and take what you brought into the marriage. This is never going to get any better. Next time, marry someone who actually understands what marriage is, and don't go back to this crazy my money/his money idea, unless you want to be in a relationship which facilitates this (i.e. not a marriage).

If he’s inherited a life changing amount of money that’s giving him a few hundred in interest each month I can’t understand why there’s still a mortgage to be paid…

It should be a 50/50 split on bills. Work out both income a month (including the interest) and work out of it should be 60/40 or 70/30 split. That would be fairer. You aren’t dipping into this inheritance at all nor asking for it but the interest from that should be included in the calculation

I'm normally the one saying women should pay their own way but even I think he needs to accept that in a marriage, lifestyles should be similarly expensive or the marriage stands no chance long term and even if you were prepared to put up with it, it's a terrible thing to model for the children you may one day have. Is he open to change?

This.

There is no way this should be happening in a marriage. What’s the point?
I can’t imagine being the man in this scenario and thinking this was an ok way to behave???

I’ve been married twice.

First marriage: we had a joint account as well as our own current accounts. We worked out how much we needed to pay all the bills plus enough for food and a bit of joint leisure, divided that amount in proportion to our income, and each transferred that from our sole account into the joint account. So all household bills, shopping and going out together, holidays etc came from the joint account. What was left in our own accounts, we could do what we liked with. We agreed that car costs came out of the joint account because his commute was much longer than mine.

Second marriage: joint account only, everything goes in there. Savings are joint as well, except where it’s more tax efficient for them to be sole (ISA’s).

DH #2 inherited a substantial sum from his parents. We talked about what we were going to do with it. Both our cars were a bit knackered - so we both had new ones. He didn’t buy himself one and leave me to sort myself out. The rest was invested to enable our earlier retirement - gradually transferred into ISA’s in each of our names, which means that over time, he has effectively given me half of his inheritance. And if I eventually get one, it will similarly go into joint savings.

Because we are a team, and when we said “all that I have I share with you”, it applied to everything.

The issue, to me, is that you can't just say to your HUSBAND look Dave, I can't afford my half atm, we need to recalculate.

If he’s inherited a life changing amount of money that’s giving him a few hundred in interest each month I can’t understand why there’s still a mortgage to be paid…

OP says he’s trying to figure out what to do with it.

So I think keeping it in the bank for now where it’s gaining interest is definitely the best choice.

What was the reason you married one another?

This man doesn't love you.

He happily watches you struggle, he has inherited a life changing sum of money but had no plans to share it with you.

This isn't a marriage. Divorce him and find someone who actually values you

This is so wrong. Marriage is a financial contract to share assets. It's also about being life partners.

I think some people are so worried about being gold diggers that they let themselves get completely screwed over.

It can't be an equal partnership if only one of you treat a large sum of money as life changing. Hows that going to work in an equal partnership. Fundamentally as long as both parties are pulling their weight as much as they are able (and this doesnt always need to be purely financial) then no matter how finances are arranged, spending and fun money should be roughly equal.

I really can't imagine seeing someone I care about getting into debt just with basic living expenses while I bought fancy clothes because i could afford a different lifestyle.

Have you spoken to him about how it makes you feel?

If he’s inherited a life changing amount of money that’s giving him a few hundred in interest each month I can’t understand why there’s still a mortgage to be paid …

If the inheritance was recent he may still be looking into the whys and wherefores of handling it, especially the implications around paying off the mortgage if they were to divorce

After all it's only what most would advise a woman to do ...

If he b

This

If he's planning a long marriage, the best way to spend part of it is ensuring you're both debt free, as a partnership.

If he's not planning a long marriage then you need to know about it!

Pressed send too soon.

If he treats himself to designer clothes etc. but not you then he's not tight, he's tight when it comes to you (and perhaps all others).

He has to either realise that you cannot keep up with him financially so you both need to make your life cheaper (in whatever way you can so you're not paying joint bills such as housing, groceries and restaurants that are high) or he could decide that he would rather have a more luxurious life and he will need to sub you so you can both have it. Anything else is a dick move.

At what point in the marriage may you actually benefit from some of this money. I could understand ring fencing some of it as very early days, but you could at least benefit from the interest. I don't think I could be with someone where one partner is comfortably off whilst the other partner is skint, and not be cause they are frivolous with money or not working

No party in a marriage should have a wealthier lifestyle than the other, unless one of them chooses a more simple life.

I would definitely fall out of love with a man who spent lots of money on himself and nothing on me. I'm a believer in joint finances for a married couple. It's very wrong to me that his inheritance is all his. To me, he's inherited it but it belongs to both of you... you're married. Any decision on what to do with that money should be a joint decision.

If you are happy with separate finances, still, I don't know how you can stay with him whilst you scrimp and save and he flashes the cash on himself. I wouldn't even bother speaking to him about it tbh. Any man who thinks this is okay to do is not a man who I would be with.

Definitely not on - I received a significant inheritance, told DH what it was and that I wanted it to pay off the mortgage and to pay for an extension (which is something he probably wants more than I do, but given the money, we might as well) and he totally agreed with that.

@TheSkintWife - how did you end up with this unequal financial setup? When and how did you discuss it, and why did you agree to this?

I don’t generally do this but I put this situation to DH but gave the inheritance a nominal figure of £2m

He looked at me like I was bonkers for suggesting he wouldn’t share the interest into the joint ‘pot’.

He also said ‘if you said you wanted £1m to do what you wanted then fine, but the other £1m would be mine. But I’d prefer we added it all to the joint pot and discussed how best to use it together’.

He said ‘if we’re married, how does me letting you get into debt benefit our marriage? You’d be better off divorcing me’.

Like a PP this place makes me very glad for my DH

Have you asked him if he enjoys seeing you suffer financially? And if he feels superior to you when he goes out in his expensive clothes and car when you wear supermarket clothes and your car is on its last legs? Or if he cares what anyone else thinks? I imagine your neighbours and friends / family judge him.

I would be packing my bags in your situation, OP. He doesn't sound as if he's up to the job of husband. Sorry you're having to live like this.

Very bizarre that he treats that as ‘his’ money and effectively has ringfenced it, when you’re in a marriage.

I’m not wealthy but my parents are and according to their current wishes, I stand to inherit a sizeable amount at some stage in the future - if and when that happens I will discuss with my wife what we should do with it. It might pay off mortgages, it might go into a large pot or investments, but whatever happens it will benefit both of us. Can’t fathom why your other half treats is as if he’s a single man.