Skint Wife and Rich Husband

[TheSkintWife]

I have name changed for this thread.

My husband of 3 years is in a much stronger financial situation than I am. He earns a little bit more but has a lot of savings thanks to a large inheritance. The house is in both names but we're in a fairly low value area so not worth a big sum. We each pay half towards all bills and mortgage. He is earning a decent amount of interest every month on his savings whereas I'm getting into debt to try and make my share of the monthly costs.

We are married but it's been a short marriage so far and I don't want to split with him for this. Even if we were to split at a later date I wouldn't be entitled to his inheritance. We don't have children and both work.

He is really quite tight with his money and he has designer labels on all of his clothes and drives a nice car. I'm in Sainsburys clothes and knackered old Fiesta (which I love but that's not the point).

Is this how marriage should work? We were equal when we married for all those thinking I married him for his money I didn't. He inherited after marriage and I didn't know about the wealth of this relation.

@CloudybutMild

So would you see your DH go into debt and you be better off because your earnings were so different?

I’ve no doubt at all that if I wanted or needed him to support me that he’d be fine with that, and he’s said on more than one occasion when I’m having a hard time at work that he’d happily support me for as long as I wanted if I ever felt the need to just walk out, but while we both work we are very happy to contribute equally to the joint costs.

ah and that’s the crux of it. So atm no need. But the balance of contribution would shift if there was a need.

@CloudybutMild

So I read your PP - you are clearly in a loving functional supportive marriage.

A TEAM, if you will.

So how is OP wanting a more equitable split not the same?

He sounds like a tight bastard. What sort of husband would be buying all the flashiest designer stuff and leaving his wife to buy clothes from supermarkets. When DH inherited he put the money into our joint account, when my parents gave me some money I used it as a deposit for our house. There's no his and mine, just ours.

I’m at a loss as to why some people bother to get married if they then carry on living as though they aren’t - and what’s more, appear to live as though they neither like nor trust each other. I wouldn’t stay married to a man capable of behaving like such an absolute twat - strangely facilitated by his wife.

All our spends come out of the joint account these Days but before we had a joint account we both put in a proportion of our income into a “bills” account. I think it was 40% each though his amount was more as his income was higher

my dh’s inheritances have been dealt with appropriately- they were all spent on house improvements so we both benefited.

plenty of couples have financial difficulties but not normal at all for one person to spend frivolously while the other is in debt

a Frank discussion is required. If he isn’t understanding, don’t stick around

@Walkaround

Me either. Makes zero sense.

Even I’m really early days DH used to be mindful of our different finances.

Your first post had me thinking how awful your situation was but I felt upset for you reading what you said about Christmas presents in the post above. You are right to be hurt. I’d be hurt and livid. You need to communicate your feelings to him. Clearly and frankly so he is under no illusions of how you feel being treated this way. His response and actions after that discussion will tell you everything you need to know.

Yes, and we both know that it’ll likely become a bit more arbitrary when one or both of us retires, as at that point we’ll likely consolidate our investments.

How old are you? Because could well arise before then…. Career highs and lows

It is, and I think in her case it sounds as though it’s not a fair split at all, and that a joint account into which he pays more than her would be the fair way forwards.

DH is thinking of taking a year off work next year, in which case his earnings would be zero and he’ll be contributing his monthly amount to the joint account from his savings.

I think his inheritance is his to do what he wants with.

He always earned more than you, even without the inheritance. I think there should have been a proportionate payment of bills based on this.

It isn't equality to put in 50/50 it's equality to have 50/50 left after you have both paid your joint bills.

That’s not something that makes sense in our case, neither of us has debt outside the mortgage, and we are both happy to live within the means of the lower earner.

Your portion of the bills should be proportionate to your incomes. He shouldn't be £500 better off every month. He shouldn't be leaving you skint while he is balling. Work out what portion of your income you should be paying to make it fair. You need a frank and honest discussion.

What happened to “…and with all my worldly goods, with you I share.”
DH & I have been together best part of half a century. We’ve struggled and we’re now reasonably ok. During that time we both worked, sometimes he earned more than me, later on I earned more than him. It was all ‘ours’ in a joint account. I know that is not the modern way, but I think it’s a good one for people who really love and respect their partners.

The more I Mumsnet, the more I appreciate my DH!

I can't imagine what marriage means to your DH, OP, it doesn't seem to be a partnership of equals as it should be. I doubt I'd stay in this situation if I were in it.

£500 a month more isn't that much more in terms of living. If he was to pay more bills he'd soon eat that up. I think his spending is probably his inheritance?

Could you ask him to up his share of bills?

Do you think he may still buy you for Christmas Even though you've said yous won't?

Sadly no. My husband would rather me have nicer things eg. I typically have a nicer car than he does because he wants me to have the best thing. He should want you to feel good about yourself. He sounds like a tight arse, I can't see you putting up with this inequality for too much longer.

It sounds like he’s pulling you into a lifestyle you can’t afford but he can.

If you were single at least you’d be able to cut your coat according to your cloth.

This marriage is costing you far too much. Do you have a pension?

@CloudybutMild

Are you being purposely obtuse?

YABU

He’s not earning much more than you are and his savings are irrelevant.

You could ask him to put £100 extra a month towards bills and you put £100 less but I don’t actually think that’s fair and I personally would not ask my partner to do that.

You are both adults with no children.

I don’t think he needs to supplement you because he earns more than you, when you could easily work more hours or get a different job.

Equity and equality are not the same thing. He is totally disrespecting you. As a minimum, you should pro-rata outgoings so that you pay an equitable (but not equal) amount and still have a small amount left over each. Poor behaviour from him and I’m sorry for you - so stressful.

I’m also struggling to understand how you’re so skint if you work FT and only pay half the bills.