AIBU not to pay for DD's train ticket?

[SilverBirchx0x0]

DD started uni in September. She was supposed to be coming home this weekend. She has rung to say she is expecting us to pay for her train ticket.

I am quite shocked about this. She is on a full student maintenance loan and has received £1000 bursary this term on top of her student loan. One of her grandparents also gave her £1000 at the start of term. She hasn't run out of money. She said the other day she still had £1700 to last until the end of this term.
I think that she is now an adult and should be covering her own transport costs to come home for the weekend. DD says all of her friend's parents pay for their rail tickets when they go home (or come to pick them up) .

We are 4 hours away so not easy to pick her up for a weekend home.

We have already been down to visit her and stayed in a hotel for a weekend. As it is pricey, we can't keep doing this.

AIBU to expect DD to pay her own train fair to visit us this weekend?

Do you want to see her, can you afford to pay. I used to buy my ticket to come home but I knew mum give me the money every time so I didn't have to worry.

To be honest I’d not be happy with that Xmas present neither. It’s a present that also benefits you rather than a present to her.
if she stops coming to visit you as much as you want would you get angry with her ? Just because she’s 18 it doesn’t meant she’s not still your responsibility. She can of course work and pay for her things (this is what I did) but my parents were still there for me if I needed any help (they still are even if I’m a 37yo woman)

I always think if I ca support and help my kids when they need it then I’ll do it rather than give them the cash of money when i decease and by then they might not need it anymore

Ds1 is 2nd year, 4.5h drive & similar train journey away.
Full loan and extra (low income) bursary.
It has never occurred to me to pay for his travel.
I said I'd take him at the beginning and bring him home at the end of the year, when he had all his stuff to move - has the accomodation for 42 weeks, so can leave stuff over Christmas and Easter.
He hasn't come home at all in term time, and I didn't expect him to. He has gone to visit his girlfriend approx 4hrs train away in a totally different location a few times.
He got the train home and back last Christmas, and I expect will do the same, or coach, this year.
His dad arranged some sort of complicated collection and drop back at Easter, but it wasn't to ds time table and he only ended up bring back for 2 week, so I don't think he will do that again.

Funny how some criticise other Mnetters generally when others don’t agree with them. I could turn this around and say “Mumsnet is the home of [insulting words about poorer or tight parents]” but some of us Mnetters are actually tolerant of others’ opinions and how they choose to live their lives 😁

My parents used to pay for my train tickets back to their house.

But they didn't give me any other money (despite their income being high enough that this was recommended) so I was surviving on (partial) maintenance loan plus what I could earn. I begrudged paying money to go home and see them on the basis that I was struggling; they weren't helping me in any way and I saw my fellow students parents being much more supportive. Yes, I was 18, but in my eyes my parents had just waved me off to university and were no longer interested.

I know this isn't the same situation for OP's DD as she seems to be ok financially - but is this a genuine request for money, or a request for OP to be more supportive in general?

I agree with this.
I feel like it's also probably quite common practice for parents of students to pay for this kind of thing so she probably sees it around often.
I think you need to have a proper chat.

This!

I'd pay it.
I can afford it and I like makng my kid's lives a little easier and more pleasant.

What's also funny on Mumsnet is that working 17-18 year olds are expected to make contributions from their fairly small incomes, but university students are somehow not true adults yet.
It should depend on what the DPs can comfortably afford. If they don't have a high income then their available income for non essentials is likely a lot lower than the DDs who is living with her meals paid for and no extra expenses and over £1k to last her until end of term.

No, i went to uni 2009 and always paid for my ticket home. Also got full grant etc. Wouldnt have even occured to me to ask! Parents always picked me up end of year and moved me in start of year so that was fuel costs for them.

We're in the same situation, full maintenance loan. To those saying if the parent can afford it, they don't get that if parents have spare money.
My son wants to continue playing in a national league for his sport so he has to pay for the train, we pick him up from a station on the way there as his brother goes too. He wants to do it, he has to pay.

My dad would pay for my ticket once a term in the first year of uni but anything else I had to do it myself, maybe a compromise like that could work?

Jeez this is a sad read. I’ll never grudge my child a penny. She’s only in 1st year, it’s not like she’s 25. I think yabu, imagine how worthless you’d feel if your parents didn’t even care enough to stump up for a measly train fare.

Like the OP, I was a student 40 years ago (well, more like 50 years ago, when I think about it), in the late Seventies. We used to have student rail cards which got us huge discounts and also there were very cheap buses from Bristol to London laid on by our Students' Union. I can't remember whether the tickets came out of my grant or whether my parents paid, though I am absolutely certain my parents would have paid if I'd asked them to. A few years ago, we paid for our daughter's travel to and from uni but as we lived a seven hour flight away from England, she was only able to come home for the university vacations anyway, so it was a bit different. I'd have really loved to have her come home for week-ends and if we'd lived in the UK, would definitely have paid for her tickets!

I've just had one at uni.

Thing is that if they're settled well, they probably aren't that bothered to a point of rather not come home. It's a hassle for them, and they're missing the fun things at uni. I would have not wanted to go home because I was enjoying it so much.

I think in this case I'd think that either:

1. She's homesick and needs a break to come home-in which case if you say you won't pay then in her homesick mind she'll feel that you don't want her and make it worse.
2. She is coming home because you want her to, in which case you should pay.

So overall I think you should pay if you can afford it.

i think the issue is the quite juvenile expectation - a discussion needs to be had
i also bought a young persons railcard for dd's birthday present a few years ago but she has renewed it herself.

Also, this!

DS's first year at Uni required him to fly there and back so we paid for his tickets (and sometimes I even sourced them as he would have left it until the last minute and costs would have been higher!) But then he switched to another uni a 3 1/2 hour train journey away so we got him a railcard and he was responsible for getting his own train ticket.

I remember him telling me that "everyone else's parents visit weekly/fortnightly and bring supermarket shopping" when he was in halls. I figured that at 19 with a supermarket down the road he could manage to get his own shopping!

Using a student railcard and learning to shop wisely for train tickets means train tickets can often be bought very cheaply and within your DD's budget. If there is some reason why tickets are very pricey then I would be inclined to fund but otherwise if she can afford it she should buy them (unless you're insisting she comes home for a specific reason and this is a trip she wouldn't normally be making - eg we funded DS's ticket when he had to come back for a relative's funeral when he'd only just gone back at the start of term)

It's the fact that she expects it that would annoy me rather than the money itself.
I think she should pay for her own transport though. It's reality! If she runs out of money at the end of term then you can help her out. Will she be getting a part time job?

When I was at uni and visited home I got the national express. I see you are covering the ticket this time (cost but also due to where the bus dropped off being direct, where train wasn't), but might be something for her to consider if funds are an issue in the future for her. Although with a student card (and booking in advance) the train should be ok.

I always paid to go home and see my family when I was a student. However, if I was running out of money then my parents would give me the odd £20. This was the 80s so at least a fortnight's food bill.

Find this bizarre that she would expect you to pay. I never asked my parents to pay, especially when I wasn't paying for food etc and often some kind of treat when at home.

However, although it seems childish and grabby, could it also be that she feels a bit unsure of herself and wants to have external shows of affection from you, same as her friends.

Jeez this is a sad read. I’ll never grudge my child a penny

Neither do I, but my DS was mature enough to pay his own travel home (regularly, we aren’t far away and he often popped home for a night midweek) when at uni pre COVID. He got minimal loan and we topped up to max. He told us we were giving him too much! We could easily have given him his train fares but he wouldn’t have wanted us to. Managing finances is a key part of being independent at uni.

Maybe Op doesn’t begrudge her DD the money, but can’t afford it regularly.

As others have said, it sounds like Op needs to discuss with her DD, what she pays for out of her loan etc.

I'm sorry, @SilverBirchx0x0, I posted before looking at your latest post. Enjoy your week-end with your daughter!

If coming home to see us, we would offer to pay. If coming home to just spend time with friends, go to an event, work we would typically expect them to pay.