AIBU not to pay for DD's train ticket?

[SilverBirchx0x0]

DD started uni in September. She was supposed to be coming home this weekend. She has rung to say she is expecting us to pay for her train ticket.

I am quite shocked about this. She is on a full student maintenance loan and has received £1000 bursary this term on top of her student loan. One of her grandparents also gave her £1000 at the start of term. She hasn't run out of money. She said the other day she still had £1700 to last until the end of this term.
I think that she is now an adult and should be covering her own transport costs to come home for the weekend. DD says all of her friend's parents pay for their rail tickets when they go home (or come to pick them up) .

We are 4 hours away so not easy to pick her up for a weekend home.

We have already been down to visit her and stayed in a hotel for a weekend. As it is pricey, we can't keep doing this.

AIBU to expect DD to pay her own train fair to visit us this weekend?

I bought DDs ticket home last weekend, and paid for the rail discount card in September. My DD wouldn't appreciate that as a Birthday present either tbh.
Not sure I would have paid if DD has so much money given to her at the start of the year though. We top up her loan to full amount (pay her weekly). There is no way she can work during term time as just too many contact hours but I do expect her to get a job during the holidays and then perhaps in 2nd year we won't pay for the extras. Time will tell.

This time the op can afford it.
What happens if her dd wants to come back a couple of times a term and op cannot afford this? If the dd always waits until the last minute can be £100+. For you it might be measly however for some it’s a bloody fortune especially when they are already on a low income.

Imagine how an adult dc would feel knowing their parents going without to fund their own travel. Most would feel ashamed of themselves. The demanding ones not so much.

We bought dsd a 16-25 railcard when she started uni so she could get cheap fairs home to visit but also use it to get to concerts etc. If she was coming to visit us and we could afford it we paid half but once she got a part time job it became her responsibility to pay. Her mum didnt contribute to any expenses so id say YANBU nor are you BR it entirely depends on your circumstances

We used to pay for my son's train tickets (also about 4 hours away) even though he had a decent amount of bursary etc like your DD.
I also bought him a 16-25 railcard using my Tesco Clubcard vouchers.
My jaw did drop open a little when you suggested buying her train ticket as a birthday present but I'm pleased to see you've changed your mind on that one! 😁

The maximum is determined by income, but nobody forces students to take full loans every year.

I think it's a bit mean to get the ticket as a birthday present but as long as you don't want to see her much that's your choice.

My dd is at uni and on full loan too. At the moment she has more money than I do so I’m sure she would pay for her own ticket and wouldn’t ask me. I offer to pay for bits of shopping when I visit her but she doesn’t let me, she always offers to pay.

I guess it comes down to if you can afford it. I’m guessing if she’s getting the full loan then money is probably tight.

I‘m with you OP. When i was at uni just under 10 years ago, i budgeted for travel back home and always booked in advance and found the cheapest method eg. coach. It’s a good time to start learning about budget and responsibility. It’s also even less of an issue because it sounds like she has enough money.

Uni is expensive especially if she's in London.

If I could afford I'd pay for it as would want to see my dd.

That said I'd also be expecting my dd to get herself a part time job to keep her finances topped up. My dd is 16yo now and works 8 hours a week as well as doing her ft college course. When I was at uni I spent most of my weekends working as I got v little financial support from my parents.

I told DS when we dropped him a university that we wold pay for a rail ticket home anytime. Too many sad stories of poor mental health among young people. I just wanted him to know we were there for him.

We said the same, I didn't want money to be a reason for not coming home if they needed to.

Do you like her? Sounds like you don't.

I'm afraid that you have to accept when they are university it's pay-per-view to see them!

I always tell my DD that I'll get her a ticket to come home whenever she wants

She usually does her own these days

But even with the bursary and grandparents dosh students haven't got a lot of money

I think you're doing the right thing.

When she visits in future you can talk to her about a realistic upper limit on tickets (unless emergency). My kids always looked for cheap prices - I was never asked to pay £200 open return prices!

You’re not over fond of her - just as well as she won’t be on the train that much.

That’s not a great birthday offer, incidentally.

First thought is why does she want to come home so soon, when term only started last month? Surely students just go up to university in October and then return at the end of term, 10 weeks later? So if she wants to visit sooner than that, then she will need to pay - her choice.

Only oxbridge has such short terms 😀

Seems cheeky of the DD to assume that her parents will automatically pay her rail fare for her. It is one thing to ask but just to think it's your right is a bit off.

I think it's a thought one because whilst she needs to start being independent and taking care of these things herself, if there hasn't been any discussion around it I don't think it's unreasonable that she's assumed you will pay.

We pay for dd to come home.

God I would never have dreamed of asking my parents to pay for me train tickets let alone had a toddler shit fit about them not paying. They did drive me and my belongs down at the start of each year and back again for the summer but it was always met with gratitude. Her attitude alone would have me saying no, horrible brat.

YANBU but I pay for DS to come home as it is as much (or more) for my benefit than his! If she is coming primarily to see other friends/boy friend and will be out most of the time I would be less inclined to pay.

My kids paid for their tickets if they wanted to come home. It wasn’t even thought of as a big deal. They’d often time it to coincide with friends’ visits home so it wasn’t purely to see us! Once, my daughter turned up on the doorstep on Mother’s Day as a surprise-I offered to pay but was told not to be silly. I think they liked the independence of deciding what to do with their money-they both worked through uni as well as having their loan. I would have paid if they were struggling with money but if they had enough, I’d have thought it was entitled to expect me to pay for it-not something I’m keen on.

I think it's the expectation that DPs would pay that would irritate me, if she is getting a full maintenance loan, plus a bursary, then it is likely that the DPs are on a low income and quite possibly have a lot less 'disposable' cash than the DD. I have a DS at Uni and they do need to learn to budget and use their money sensibly rather than expect to be bailed out.

My oh paid for his dc to come and see us until they were working. He also carried on giving them a few hundred a month from the old days of the maintenance post divorce- in fact he still does.

id imagine your dd has a rail card - if not it’s £30 per year and will knock a massive chunk off the fare.

whether you pay or not is up to you. Depends if you actually want to see her.

I guess it’s the expectation that you will that’s irked you.