Be honest: Do you judge married women without kids?

[oxymomon]

When you meet a woman who has been married for years, and doesn't have children, do you (A) make assumptions about why they don't have children; (B) ask them why they don't have children (feel it's your place to seek answers); (C) judge them for not having children; (D) all of the above; or (E) none of the above? Be honest. What do you really think...

We can definitely sense when we're being judged. It's a strong vibe.
It does say more about the person making the judgement though. I haven't said a word usually but I know I've been put in a mental box by someone.
And this is where we fall over our own shoes, judging other people about why they might not have children. If we're ever going to be inclusive on all levels, we need to halt these legacy assumptions about ovaries and uteruses and whether they've been occupied or not.
Period! (couldn't wait to use that!) 😂

Depending on who it is, I might wonder or make assumptions. I'd never ask unless it was a sibling or very close friend and came up naturally in conversation.

I'd judge if they were one of those loud and proud, child-hating child free couples. Not in a 'you should have a kid!' way. In a 'what a dick' way.

I never ask if anyone has kids, quite simply because they tend to talk about them if they have them (which isn't terribly interesting), and it's awkward if they don't (because of the directness of the question - not because it is awkward to not have children). I hate when people ask me, if you say yes (as I do - I have one) it's all "what age...", and my DC is an adult so it's "what do they do...?" and "so it's just the one?" and one time it was "why only the one?" and more recently ... "what about grandchildren?" I won't have grandchildren so I have a teeny tiny taste of how irritating these questions are to people who want to conceive or who don't have kids. It's just annoying as hell and we need to stop asking that question and find something more interesting to find common ground with!

And I don't judge - judgement means I assume what that person is/their life is without kids? Quite frankly I don't have a clue and if I think they are interesting and they like me enough to share, then I ask about their life. 9 times out of 10 they have a more interesting situation than I do!

Bit being nosey isn't being judgemental. Judgement requires them to ask, hear your answer (if you choose to give it) and then view you as inferior based on your answer. Lots of people are nosey, and that is rude but it isn't judgemental.

Thank you for being honest about the fact that you make assumptions. Your post was very helpful, as you came to a self-realisation about how making assumptions is no better than some of the other behaviours. Life is a learning opportunity though. It takes a big person to reflect on their past behaviours and realise that it's time to change them. Thank you for your self-awareness and honesty

Yes!!! this!! Why do people feel the need to pry? literally none of their business and either way they come across like dicks.

I don’t give a shit.

What is the judgment you feel they are making? Sorry you have felt it, can't be fun. I suppose I'm lucky to have not experienced it.

FFS, Now we have the bloody thought police!

I would never judge ANY woman, ever, but I'm not having my thoughts monitored.

You make such a great point. We can sense when we are being judged. And sometimes, we might not be being judged, but we can sense when somebody is wondering or making assumptions, and that makes us feel judged. As you said, we should halt these assumptions if we want to be inclusive. Nice use of period btw ;-)

I'd wonder but I’d never ask. I’m can be a bit judgy if I think I know enough about their situation but that’s MY problem entirely and I would never ever dream of raising it. Nothing good can come of it. Curiosity kills the cat and all that. It’s my problem because I truly will never ever don’t know their details and tbh, I don’t care enough to want to know. It is just an initial passing phase of ‘why have you got 3 dogs, is that compensation for not having kids?’ kind of thinking . But in defence I am Asian and we are brought up to be believe being a mother is the greatest of all career choices and producing a son is Gold (heaven forbid if my mother only had grand daughters, she’d be at the Buddhist Temple praying every day lighting incense sticks ). I am not way not like that BUT …..it can be hard to shake my Asian wayz…..

I am prepared to be flamed.

Massive difference between wondering and judging.

I definitely could have written my post better but feeling a bit tired atm!

I might wonder why in passing, but I'd never ever ever ask anyone why - the idea of doing so is just horrific to me. I do think that child free married women can sense they're being judged or have been judged previously and my heart aches whenever someone feels the need to explain even though I haven't asked because clearly they've met other people who want them to justify their situation i.e. "Me and husband don't have kids... Because we've tried and didn't happen/because a genetic condition runs in the family/because we prefer our life as it is" etc etc.

The only time I did judge was when a man explained to me (without me asking) that they couldn't have children because "it's the wife's fault... Bad eggs". I silently hoped she'd leave him and take him to the cleaners. Arsehole.

I did acknowledge in my post that not everyone is judgemental, but in my extensive experience of being asked by this it is very often acompanied by a judgement. Ive been told by multiple people that i'm selfish for not having children, or i'm lucky not to have children. This has included my manager, colleagues, family members, strangers, taxi drivers, friends of friends. All people who know nothing of my situation, health, or decisions. They are framing my life through their own judgement to decide if i'm selfish or lucky, however they percieve it it is none of their business and is unecessary. If i've said i don't have kids, that is all you need to know. People can wonder all they like, but what do they get out of asking about this?

People can think what they like, its the verbalising of those thoughts to people who don't have children and asking prying questions to satisfy curiosity that can be hurtful and uncessary. Not saying you do this, but people do, often.

Your friends are not representative. Statistically around 80% of women do have children at some point.

Surely it's human nature to make assumptions. Yes I'd wonder. I wouldn't judge as that doesn't really make any sense. Same as when people have twins, I wonder if it's in the family or ivf. I don't mean to it's just what my brain does immediately.

E

But this is due to the 2 childless couples I know (and know the reasons) both travel alot and go to the most amazing places, so I think the first thing that pops into my head is wondering what the last holiday you went on

However, I am also well aware that women get questioned a lot on it, but then as a parent of a single child, I use to get asked when I was having another one.

A friend with 4 boys, use to get asked, if they were going try for a girl

A friend with 5 kids, use to get asked, if they thought they had too many or if they all has the same dad

Always the women, never the man

No.

E. It's not my business anyway.

E

☝☝☝☝☝This post saddens me greatly to hear, but it is disappointingly the reality for many. My original post was deliberately phrased controversially to see how people would respond. Would they be honest? It was interesting to see people responding with "that's nasty" (yes, it is), and just as interesting to see people shocked that such behaviour would even occur. But as this post shows, options A (making unfounded assumptions), B (intrusively asking why, as if it's anyone else's business), and C (judging) DO happen. It gives me hope that most responses to this thread don't think it's right to judge, or even make assumptions. But perhaps it's helpful for people to see that this is still happening. And it's time it stopped. To the person who posted your experiences here, explaining that so many people have framed your life through their own judgement to decide if you are selfish or lucky ... I am so sorry. It is nobody else's business but yours. Thank you for your honesty, and I hope that nobody ever makes assumptions, asks you intrusive questions, or judges you again. After all, you are just a human being who happens not to have kids. You be you. 🙏

I do wonder, yes. I have 2 IVF children - the first just before I turned 37 and I suppose that inevitably makes me wonder. I've never asked but lots of people asked me. Lots. It's rarely as blunt as it seems (though it sometimes is which is always jarring). It mostly crops up in conversation some subtle way or other because people are weirdly invested in other people's intentions regarding having children.

I wouldn't judge someone for not having children regardless of the reason, and I've never felt judged. But then I never got beyond the point where having children was impossible due to age, so maybe those women have different experiences.

I do have passing thought through my head. But thought is also followed by all reasons - didn't want them, infertility, too old etc. And no way would I ever ask that is just rude.