To make an effort for his birthday or not?

[Gettissuesgotissues]

My DH has often been rubbish at buying birthday/Christmas presents for me. I've had the occasional nice gift some years, absolutely nothing others. Excuses range from 'you didn't give me a wish list' to 'I'm just rubbish'.

We both had significant birthdays last year. His was first. We went on a big family holiday just before, and when we came back, on his actual birthday, I ran around decorating the house, bought a cake, took dc to choose presents for him and bought a couple of expensive presents from me. Then came my birthday. He gave me one small cheap unwrapped gift and a card, despite me giving him a requested wish list (I'm not greedy but it was a big birthday and money isn't that tight for him, and he asked for one!). Nothing from the dc, despite me asking him to take them to choose something as they wanted to celebrate my birthday and are too young to do it themselves (a pair of socks would have sufficed, it's really not about the value but the effort). No cake, a few decorations up from my decoration box. I suspected this might happen so bought myself something for the dc to give me and a cake (sad, I know, but it was my 40th!). He went about with a face like thunder the whole day, and started an argument with our eldest over lighting the candles on my cake, which I then had to do on my own with dc (double sad). Oh, also I was 5 months pregnant and spent the day feeling pretty gutted because of the atmosphere and lack of effort.

So my AIBU is this. His birthday is rolling around in the next few days. I love making a fuss and celebrating people (expensive gifts not required, but the whole cards, cake and at least a little something from me and the dcs). I've always made a decent effort before, but do I not bother this year and just give him a pair of pants? He's clearly expecting the usual, as he mentioned last week about sending me a wish list (and sent 3), and mentioned today about 'a pile of presents I'm not supposed to know anything about', so is clearly excited for his birthday. I was flabbergasted after what happened on my birthday, and he knew how upset I was. Do I let the dc choose something for him, as I don't want to drag them into this drama? Or do I not bother?

YABU - Treat it like every other birthday before

YANBU - Just do the minimum

[frazzledasarock]

I’d plan a day out. And leave him with the kids.

tell him you’re just a bit rubbish at birthdays and you didn’t think he wanted anything.

[MarigoldMoonStone]

Any chance he has learnt his lesson from last year? If you enjoy doing it then maybe you should just do your usual thing and then if he is crap on your birthday AGAIN go mad at him or ask him before hand - are you actually going to make an effort for my birthday this year

[Maray1967]

Just copy what he did for you.

[yellowstickerbargain]

I'd do the minimum and say that you assumed that's what he wanted as it's what he does on your birthday.

[Ilikewinter]

Id do the minimum, basic card, Tescos sponge cake, present left in the bag it got delivered in.

[Piggypiggyoinkoink]

I think he needs to understand how bad he made you feel on your birthday. So absolute bare minimum effort gets my vote.

[Spanisheomellletttes]

I would just give him what he gave you last year. As an aside, my DH is also rubbish at presents. Our compromise is this: we buy our own big gift, and then the nin-birthday person buys a token gift that they know the birthday

[Spanisheomellletttes]

Person will like

[Inasec24]

Do exactly what he did for you.

[mypoorheart]

Oh wow, I would do absolutely nothing. Maybe a card if you really want to? He doesn't deserve it though. My Dh is amazing at presents, birthdays and Christmas he is really good.
For my first Mother's Day he got me nothing. Not even a card. I had gone all out for his first Father's Day and I was really upset, so I told him and he said I wasn't his mother!
So when Father's Day came around again I didn't even get him a card. I made no mention of it. Dc was only 15 months at that stage so obviously couldn't do anything.
The message was received loud and clear. It never happened again.
You deserve better OP. Make sure you get it.

[frazzledasarock]

My husband was ‘rubbish’ at birthdays. Till I told him not to bother as his lack of effort really hurt my feelings and made me feel like crap as he clearly can make an effort when he wanted.

He’s brilliant at it now. I don’t need expensive gifts, I want to feel like I’m important to him and he cares for me and loves me.

he’d never have purposely engineered an argument on my birthday or been pissy.

[FinallyHere]

While I see the point of mirroring his behaviour back to him, I'm afraid that I would crack and ask him how he would like to celebrate birthdays from now on.

Would he like a fuss to be made of him? If do, what is he prepared to do in return.

[Gettissuesgotissues]

Brilliant everyone, thanks. I will do minimum effort, even though it pains me to think of causing someone the upset I was caused on their birthday, I think it is the only way he will get the message!

[AnneLovesGilbert]

He’s expecting piles of presents after the shit birthday he gave you?! Cheeky sod.

Do nothing. Nothing at all. How fucking dare he.

[rainydaysandcake]

I agree you shouldn't do anything but I would tell him now, that you are not planning anything because of how he celebrated your birthday.

[randomusername666]

A pair of unwrapped (extra large) Y-fronts with the price label attached /invoice in the shop bag should do the trick. And a 'happy birthday husband' card if you're feeling generous 😁

Fuck him, selfish prick.

[Pearfacebanana]

Get something off Amazon and leave it in the box. If he asks if you're doing anything special say we'll get a pizza in!

[twinklystar23]

This thread prompted me to look at what I wrote about how I felt after my birthday for the exact same thing. Not the first time either. I've also responded by doing nothing, then it feels odd to then celebrate his another year, sort of tit for tat mentality.

He mentioned earlier that his birthday is our birthday so maybe I should do something that I like and he can just tag along!

My other feeling is that you have a conversation as it's about being made to feel crap on your birthday. Is it best to have no expectations where you dont celebrate birthdays? As it seems best to have no expectations than be made to feel crap.

[LifeIsJustOneBigWTAF]

@rainydaysandcake

I agree you shouldn't do anything but I would tell him now, that you are not planning anything because of how he celebrated your birthday.

This. Plus telling him to shove his 'wishlist' right up his arse. He deserves fuck all, the selfish bellend.

[MarigoldMoonStone]

I think you should have a conversation about it first…because what if he then goes to a massive effort on your birthday this year, you might feel guilty (not that you should)

[ZeldaWillTellYourFortune]

@frazzledasarock

I’d plan a day out. And leave him with the kids.

tell him you’re just a bit rubbish at birthdays and you didn’t think he wanted anything.

This.

He has zero respect for you.

[daisymade]

I’d let the DC choose a gift for him just so you’re not a total mirror of him, mine are at the cute age where they pick out generic shit - this year Daddy got a pink bath bomb and a candle from the garden centre 😂

i suspect doing the minimum will prompt an argument and hopefully make him see how much of a cuntpuffin he is. If it doesn’t, I’d make a point of always spending your own birthday doing nice things with your kids and fucking your husband off completely on his “big day”.

my husband HATES birthdays but he always makes an effort for mine and the children and tolerates a cake and tat on his own birthday, it’s what you do for eachother.

[Bollindger]

Be honest with him.
Tell him that last year on your 40th you was how they did a birthday and you have decided with the way things are your going to pear back on adult birthdays and he will be getting a token gift and a cake.
Then when he complains tell him, how come HE expects so much but never does it for you.
Keep saying this to him, after all he can sulk all he likes, it won't effect you as he ruined your birthday, so let him ruin his own as well.

[ZeldaWillTellYourFortune]

Let is know how it goes, OP!

[Moon22]

I would ask him! Say you can see he's not bothered by birthday/special effort so is there something he wants or will you just not bother anymore?