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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To make an effort for his birthday or not?

146 replies

Gettissuesgotissues · 09/11/2022 20:23

My DH has often been rubbish at buying birthday/Christmas presents for me. I've had the occasional nice gift some years, absolutely nothing others. Excuses range from 'you didn't give me a wish list' to 'I'm just rubbish'.

We both had significant birthdays last year. His was first. We went on a big family holiday just before, and when we came back, on his actual birthday, I ran around decorating the house, bought a cake, took dc to choose presents for him and bought a couple of expensive presents from me. Then came my birthday. He gave me one small cheap unwrapped gift and a card, despite me giving him a requested wish list (I'm not greedy but it was a big birthday and money isn't that tight for him, and he asked for one!). Nothing from the dc, despite me asking him to take them to choose something as they wanted to celebrate my birthday and are too young to do it themselves (a pair of socks would have sufficed, it's really not about the value but the effort). No cake, a few decorations up from my decoration box. I suspected this might happen so bought myself something for the dc to give me and a cake (sad, I know, but it was my 40th!). He went about with a face like thunder the whole day, and started an argument with our eldest over lighting the candles on my cake, which I then had to do on my own with dc (double sad). Oh, also I was 5 months pregnant and spent the day feeling pretty gutted because of the atmosphere and lack of effort.

So my AIBU is this. His birthday is rolling around in the next few days. I love making a fuss and celebrating people (expensive gifts not required, but the whole cards, cake and at least a little something from me and the dcs). I've always made a decent effort before, but do I not bother this year and just give him a pair of pants? He's clearly expecting the usual, as he mentioned last week about sending me a wish list (and sent 3), and mentioned today about 'a pile of presents I'm not supposed to know anything about', so is clearly excited for his birthday. I was flabbergasted after what happened on my birthday, and he knew how upset I was. Do I let the dc choose something for him, as I don't want to drag them into this drama? Or do I not bother?

YABU - Treat it like every other birthday before

YANBU - Just do the minimum

OP posts:
Madeyoulook · 09/11/2022 21:07

I would tell him in advance that you’re not celebrating his birthday this year as he did nothing for yours. What does he expect?

Firesideassembly · 09/11/2022 21:12

I know it’s petty but I would do exactly the same as he did for your birthday: so buy a card and give him an unwrapped present of the same value as your present. No cake. Then if he queries it you can say “no more than you did for me” 😃

I normally wouldn’t stoop this low and would advocate taking the high road but you have made an effort every year and he hasn’t!

Do you work op? The only reason I ask is that he might have thought that the big family holiday counted as his contribution somehow? (But as you say it’s not about expense, it’s about effort.)

emptythelitterbox · 09/11/2022 21:19

frazzledasarock · 09/11/2022 20:26

I’d plan a day out. And leave him with the kids.

tell him you’re just a bit rubbish at birthdays and you didn’t think he wanted anything.

This would be perfect.
Also treat yourself.

emptythelitterbox · 09/11/2022 21:20

MarigoldMoonStone · 09/11/2022 21:01

I think you should have a conversation about it first…because what if he then goes to a massive effort on your birthday this year, you might feel guilty (not that you should)

He won't. He hasn't before.

ABJ100 · 09/11/2022 21:23

You would be an absolute mug and fool and have no grounds to ever complain again, if you haven't learned from last year. Why on earth would you do anything?? He clearly does not give a shit about your day, why would you reward him for that??

BaggaChipz · 09/11/2022 21:24

I wouldn't make an effort on his birthday and see how he likes it.

I was in the same position as u last month and still quite upset about it, so now for Christmas and my birthday I'm gonna buy my own presents and not not expect anything from him xx

1224boom · 09/11/2022 21:25

I get that it's tempting to do what he did. But I don't think that it's a good idea because he is your husband and trying to work this out and make things better between you is the more sensible approach. I would have a serious conversation about how hurt you were and come to a family agreement about how you will do birthdays moving forwards. I understand how hurt you must have been but sort it out so it doesn't happen again in the best way possible to bring you closer together not further apart.

Purpleberet · 09/11/2022 21:30

don’t let him walk all over you! How disrespectful of him. tbh I don’t understand why you didn’t have a very frank conversation after your birthday reiterating how important it was to you and how disappointed and upset you were. you can’t rely on selfish people to have and self awareness just have to tell it to them straight.

tillytown · 09/11/2022 21:33

He isn't an idiot, he knew your birthday was important to you, he also knew you were pregnant, and that your children wanted to buy you something, and yet he chose to do nothing for you, instead he sulked and started an argument with a child. If I were you I wouldn't even bother doing anything. Take the kids out instead, do something special with them. Maybe if he has to buy, and light, his own birthday cake he'll understand what a selfish prick he is.

Natty13 · 09/11/2022 21:34

1224boom · 09/11/2022 21:25

I get that it's tempting to do what he did. But I don't think that it's a good idea because he is your husband and trying to work this out and make things better between you is the more sensible approach. I would have a serious conversation about how hurt you were and come to a family agreement about how you will do birthdays moving forwards. I understand how hurt you must have been but sort it out so it doesn't happen again in the best way possible to bring you closer together not further apart.

If words were enough to fix this then he would have made an effort by now. The only way to show people like this is a taste of their own medicine then moving on, not bearing a grudge, and starting afresh with the knowledge that what you put in, you also get out.

OhILoveDoughnuts · 09/11/2022 21:37

I don't know how old your kids are. But treating him badly, doesn't make up for what he did to you. It also doesn't give a good example to the kids.

Have you sat him down and told him how it's made you feel? How what a bad example he's setting for the kids & how undervalued & unimportant you feel by it all?

tillytown · 09/11/2022 21:37

@1224boom he is an adult, he knew what he did was wrong that's why he sulked all day. Men aren't toddler's, they do know right form wrong

tillytown · 09/11/2022 21:38

*from

LimeTwists · 09/11/2022 21:42

Ask yourself why you’d feel bad / guilty / mean doing exactly the same for him as he did for you. Then ask yourself why he behaved in such a shit way himself and then had the nerve to look angry that you’d bought yourself a cake.

I actually think this is about self-respect. If you allow him to give you a careless, cheap, unwrapped gift for your 40th, ignore your gift list, not bother with a cake and not bother getting anything from your children, and then you respond with lovely gifts and food then you are sending a message that it’s fine for him to be utterly selfish, thoughtless and mean on your birthday because only he deserves any fuss.

I’m actually pissed off on your behalf, OP. Selfish, stingy man couldn’t be arsed to get a gift from a list that was put in front of his face he’s that lazy.

frazzledasarock · 09/11/2022 21:43

Buying rubbish presents maybe would be excusable. But he had a gift list from OP (at his request). But he chose to buy her shit she didn’t ask for. And I refuse to believe he didn’t know the ‘gift’ he chose was shit, bet he wouldn’t like it. In fact op give it him back for his birthday.

and he chose to spend OP’s birthday arguing with a child and stomping around the house in a bad mood.
very effectively ensuring OP could not have a lovely birthday or any attention on her. As everyone was busy walking on eggshells around him.

he’s an adult, he knows exactly what he’s doing and the effect it has on everyone around him.

OhCobblers · 09/11/2022 21:43

He is a complete arsehole.

I wouldn't be doing a damn thing.

Actually I would, I would be contemplating why I'm married to someone who clearly doesn't give a shit about me or my feelings.

catandcoffee · 09/11/2022 21:51

I'd let the kids buy and wrap him a present. I'd let them choose the present too...within a certain price (pound land) .
I'd buy him a card and that's it.

If he had the audacity to complain ,I'd just look confused and sweetly say ' oh I thought we weren't celebrating birthdays anymore '

Pallisers · 09/11/2022 22:03

I'd talk to him about it. sit down with him and tell him you've noticed he seems to be expecting a big fuss for his birthday but you have decided to save that kind of thing for the kids from now on. If he tells you he'd prefer a fuss, tell him so would you but he has decided he doesn't like it so that's that.

Dh did something very similar for my 40th. I was really upset. We were away on holidays (my birthday present from my mother that he got to enjoy too) and I had to buy my own cake. No cards from the kids. No present. Mind you he didn't act like an arse - he just didn't seem to notice what he had done. I had made a nice fuss of him for his a few months before - painting he loved, painting of the kids faces, cake, etc. etc. He is otherwise lovely and I couldn't understand it. I waited a week or so, went out to dinner with him and told him straight how upset I was and how I felt. He was devastated he had hurt me. Made a much bigger effort after that.

CircleofWillis · 09/11/2022 22:20

I think that you should tell him that from now on you will mirror the effort he puts in to your birthday. DO NOT GIVE IN AND FETE HIM ON THiS BIRTHDAY!

He has been benefitting all these years from having his birthday first.

He is a selfish lazy prick who will only make an effort if he knows it will affect his own gift.

'Pile of presents', my arse! 😤

Caroffee · 09/11/2022 22:29

Wow, you are married to a total narcissist.

Treat people how they treat you. No way should yoy make a fuss. I wouldn't do anything and if he asks why, tell him.

Caroffee · 09/11/2022 22:32

LimeTwists · 09/11/2022 21:42

Ask yourself why you’d feel bad / guilty / mean doing exactly the same for him as he did for you. Then ask yourself why he behaved in such a shit way himself and then had the nerve to look angry that you’d bought yourself a cake.

I actually think this is about self-respect. If you allow him to give you a careless, cheap, unwrapped gift for your 40th, ignore your gift list, not bother with a cake and not bother getting anything from your children, and then you respond with lovely gifts and food then you are sending a message that it’s fine for him to be utterly selfish, thoughtless and mean on your birthday because only he deserves any fuss.

I’m actually pissed off on your behalf, OP. Selfish, stingy man couldn’t be arsed to get a gift from a list that was put in front of his face he’s that lazy.

This.

Original poster
Gettissuesgotissues · 10/11/2022 08:50

Thanks everyone. Telling him beforehand that I won't be making a massive effort is an interesting idea, I hadn't thought of that. It would take the anxiety out of it for me, but I think not saying anything might give him the short sharp shock he needs. He knew what I expected and he knew how upset I was. I also agree with the the poster that said he was grumpy all fay because he knew he'd messed up. I will get back to you in a week or so with an update!!

OP posts:
SarahSays1 · 10/11/2022 08:54

If you do almost nothing this year, you can expect that in return and it's not a great example for your children in future years. How about asking him whether he's going to start making an effort for yours in future? It seems like you really need to talk about it with him and now is the perfect time

IfIGoThereWillBeTrouble · 10/11/2022 09:28

No cake. He doesn’t deserve cake. Just a card from the 29p range from Card Factory - and leave the price sticker on it.

Cheap, unwrapped gift, preferably something he’s not keen on, eg if he likes milk chocolate, get him a bar of dark chocolate. And break it up in the packet to spoil it.

Don’t tell him in advance, let it be a surprise on his birthday, just as he did for you.

frazzledasarock · 10/11/2022 09:34

SarahSays1 · 10/11/2022 08:54

If you do almost nothing this year, you can expect that in return and it's not a great example for your children in future years. How about asking him whether he's going to start making an effort for yours in future? It seems like you really need to talk about it with him and now is the perfect time

OP has been giving him the red carpet treatment every single birthday.

and he’s not been bothered to reciprocate.

why do you suppose he’s going to change now if OP carries on the usual pulling out all the stops, pampering and treating him?

The definition of madness is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.

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