To make an effort for his birthday or not?

[Gettissuesgotissues]

My DH has often been rubbish at buying birthday/Christmas presents for me. I've had the occasional nice gift some years, absolutely nothing others. Excuses range from 'you didn't give me a wish list' to 'I'm just rubbish'.

We both had significant birthdays last year. His was first. We went on a big family holiday just before, and when we came back, on his actual birthday, I ran around decorating the house, bought a cake, took dc to choose presents for him and bought a couple of expensive presents from me. Then came my birthday. He gave me one small cheap unwrapped gift and a card, despite me giving him a requested wish list (I'm not greedy but it was a big birthday and money isn't that tight for him, and he asked for one!). Nothing from the dc, despite me asking him to take them to choose something as they wanted to celebrate my birthday and are too young to do it themselves (a pair of socks would have sufficed, it's really not about the value but the effort). No cake, a few decorations up from my decoration box. I suspected this might happen so bought myself something for the dc to give me and a cake (sad, I know, but it was my 40th!). He went about with a face like thunder the whole day, and started an argument with our eldest over lighting the candles on my cake, which I then had to do on my own with dc (double sad). Oh, also I was 5 months pregnant and spent the day feeling pretty gutted because of the atmosphere and lack of effort.

So my AIBU is this. His birthday is rolling around in the next few days. I love making a fuss and celebrating people (expensive gifts not required, but the whole cards, cake and at least a little something from me and the dcs). I've always made a decent effort before, but do I not bother this year and just give him a pair of pants? He's clearly expecting the usual, as he mentioned last week about sending me a wish list (and sent 3), and mentioned today about 'a pile of presents I'm not supposed to know anything about', so is clearly excited for his birthday. I was flabbergasted after what happened on my birthday, and he knew how upset I was. Do I let the dc choose something for him, as I don't want to drag them into this drama? Or do I not bother?

YABU - Treat it like every other birthday before

YANBU - Just do the minimum

Totally agree, I did the dutiful birthday with my mum and siblings for my 40th which was crap but organised a dinner with my friends and partners and night out. And I had a weekend away a month later with my best friends

Sorry I find this a bit pathetic that you need to outsource other people when you have a partner right there.

Never mind getting him a present I would leave him. Not joking. Selfish arsehole doesn’t deserve you let alone a present.

Wow your adults now not children. You can buy yourself anything you want too anyway. Why all the fuss about an adult birthday?

I would do the minimum and if he says anything say something like "oh, I thought you didn't want big fuss on birthdays so I thought I would follow your approach for mine*

It's about making an effort for someone you love and care about. The lack of effort shows you don't give a shit about that person IMO. Just because you're an adult, doesn't mean you stop celebrating birthdays!

I remember a similar post a while back here and there was a poster with similar issue. She went all out for his, and his effort back to her was similar to your partner.
Anyway.
His birthday came round as one does. She gave him a cheapest card and a cheery "Happy Birthday!" With a peck on his cheek. That's it. Nothing else. No presents. No cake. No decorations. No effort. Noooooothing.
Guess who had pulled up his socks and shaped up for her birthday?! Oh yes, the very same man who was "always rubbish buying presents and not knowing what she wants and generally useless at this" had organised decorations, cake, food, presents (wrapped and all), cards from him AND THE KIDS etc.
People treat us how we let them, sometimes you just need to treat them back the same way.

This is how it usually works.

Men pay attention to actions, not words.

I agree with others. Small cheap gift and a card.

Same as he got you. Cheeky git.

Shit gift and card is all he'd be getting.

I'd be tempted to leave the house for the day and fuck off somewhere nice and leave him to it and to sort the kids as well.

Do NOT discuss it beforehand. FFS, you are not his mother and any decent adult knows how to celebrate a big birthday - plus you had already demonstrated that when you celebrated his.

Do fuck all. The reason being 'I didn't want to embarrass you by going OTT after the way you fucked up my 40th'

Definitely do fuck all! Make sure his gift is your fave chocs!

I’d let the kids get something, they know they usually would. Would be from b&m at most but I wouldn’t involve them. Ithat’s about as far as I would go, cheap card, a box of chocolate that you like and he doesn’t if possible. If it’s a Saturday I’d go for a haircut.

Definitely the bare minimum.
Actions speak louder than words, this might be the way to get him to actually make an effort after seeing first hand how shit it is when no one makes an effort for him!

ABJ100

Sorry I find this a bit pathetic that you need to outsource other people when you have a partner right there.

But her partner has already repeatedly demonstrated that he will not step up on this specific issue. Maybe it is crap but it is what it is, and if this is the only thing wrong with the man it's not worth throwing away a relationship over. However the OP has others who also care about her who are perhaps more reliable about this sort of thing. Or who would take the role seriously if asked.

I see no harm in ensuring that you have a good birthday even if that means acknowledging your partners shortcomings and planning around that, ie around him!

We need an update please OP.

The beggining of the end.

Love is not unconditional between man and wife.

His actions were selfish, unthoughtful and I believe quite cruel.
I would be wondering if he did this puposefully, did you ask him why he didn't bother, whether he was feeling resentful or contemptuous towards you.

Conversations need to be had.
The tit for tat I understand, but it will escalate.

@Gettissuesgotissues please read this over and over again. Print and put in your purse if you need to together with a PP’s comments on how she dealt with a Mother’s Day debacle.

This!

I will update in a couple of days! Currently have a pair of pants from me, and a gift and card from the eldest which they chose. Unfortunately his sister is visiting and said they might buy a cake, but that's their business!

Won't say I'm not anxious

@Gettissuesgotissues I would be anxious too, especially when you are deliberately. Have you spoken to him? I really think you need to to set expectations and make sure he understand just how upset you are.

Did he give you a wish list? (I think he did from memory but can't find the post) If so, I would get him one item off it. If you don't talk to him about it in advance and just get him a pair of pants it's going to become very tit for tat and horrible for the children (let alone you) in future years - or even Christmas in a few weeks time.

oops missed a few words - I meant deliberately choosing not to do much for his birthday

Get him some shaving foam, give it to him unwrapped. Or nothing. This man is a CF.

I'm actually outraged that he dares to give you a wish list for his birthday when he does nothing for yours. As for the posters who suggest you tell him one more time that you'd like him to treat you on your birthday the way that you treat him on his, why on earth would telling him a sixth, seventh, eighth time suddenly get through to him? Do the bare minimum for his, do not buy him a cake. he hasn't changed even though he knows what you would like but I suspect that he'll change when his lack of effort affects his own birthday. such is human nature.