To make an effort for his birthday or not?

[Gettissuesgotissues]

My DH has often been rubbish at buying birthday/Christmas presents for me. I've had the occasional nice gift some years, absolutely nothing others. Excuses range from 'you didn't give me a wish list' to 'I'm just rubbish'.

We both had significant birthdays last year. His was first. We went on a big family holiday just before, and when we came back, on his actual birthday, I ran around decorating the house, bought a cake, took dc to choose presents for him and bought a couple of expensive presents from me. Then came my birthday. He gave me one small cheap unwrapped gift and a card, despite me giving him a requested wish list (I'm not greedy but it was a big birthday and money isn't that tight for him, and he asked for one!). Nothing from the dc, despite me asking him to take them to choose something as they wanted to celebrate my birthday and are too young to do it themselves (a pair of socks would have sufficed, it's really not about the value but the effort). No cake, a few decorations up from my decoration box. I suspected this might happen so bought myself something for the dc to give me and a cake (sad, I know, but it was my 40th!). He went about with a face like thunder the whole day, and started an argument with our eldest over lighting the candles on my cake, which I then had to do on my own with dc (double sad). Oh, also I was 5 months pregnant and spent the day feeling pretty gutted because of the atmosphere and lack of effort.

So my AIBU is this. His birthday is rolling around in the next few days. I love making a fuss and celebrating people (expensive gifts not required, but the whole cards, cake and at least a little something from me and the dcs). I've always made a decent effort before, but do I not bother this year and just give him a pair of pants? He's clearly expecting the usual, as he mentioned last week about sending me a wish list (and sent 3), and mentioned today about 'a pile of presents I'm not supposed to know anything about', so is clearly excited for his birthday. I was flabbergasted after what happened on my birthday, and he knew how upset I was. Do I let the dc choose something for him, as I don't want to drag them into this drama? Or do I not bother?

YABU - Treat it like every other birthday before

YANBU - Just do the minimum

I would tell him what you've done in advance but don't be guilt tripped into upping your effort even if he's sad or sorry. Leaving it til the day smacks of game playing and although I understand why it's tempting I think you should manage expectations

Put the socks in his sock drawer OP and just tell him on the day where they are 😂

I’m absolutely amazed he thinks it’s ok for him to have a fantastic birthday and not reciprocate. I would go ahead with the pants and card and then if he queries it just lay it out for him. His behaviour for your birthday made it crystal clear that he didn’t consider birthdays important and was probably mortified by all the effort you put in, so you decided to give him the kind of birthday he prefers. Maybe as a special treat you could get in some Watsits and Smarties and squash so he could have a party with the kids while you went for a nice swim 😁

Yes! You can even say, “There’s a special treat for you in your sock drawer”, and it’s the pants!

Yeah. Agree with the other wise ladies.

Relationships in their essence are transactional. They wouldn't happen otherwise.

He needs to actually understand how you feel when zero effort has been made.
Showing him this isn't a punishment, it's an education.

I do agree with PPs who suggested letting DCs choose and wrap a gift.
That's for their benefit, not his.
And withholding their gift would teach them that it's OK to behave how he does.

That is more than generous. He doesn’t need any more.

You’ve nothing to be anxious about about your approach. He isn’t anxious on your birthday when he went around with a face like thunder and shouted at the kids because he did nothing for you.

How very Stepford Wife.

I’d let the kids choose something then when he looks shocked just say ‘sorry I’m rubbish’. Do not go to any great effort for him when he cannot be bothered to do the same for you

I would give absolutely nothing from me not even a card, a bare minimum present and card from the children something like socks or pants. Definitely no cake, decorations or anything else remotely celebratory.

Well, he's had his pants and card, and seemed pleased with the present from dc. He spent ages touching it and trying to guess what it was - he really seems to love presents!! But my dc loved giving the present they'd chosen and it was lovely from that point of view. No decorations or cake, perhaps he's expecting one later. He's in a very good mood so far, although he did not thank me for his present. He must definitely know that I haven't gone all out like before. I'm sure we'll discuss it and I'll make expectations clear for Christmas, whether that's effort of not, it has to be mutual. I just hope it's done the trick and he knows how it feels now, as telling obviously wasn't good enough!

It wouldn't surprise me if he thinks you're playing him, but that you had secretly organised other stuff as a surprise for later.

don't be surprised if he sulks later when he realises you haven't. He doesn't think you'd be so petty as to truly do nothing for his birthday

I'm so proud of you. I wish I'd done the same yours ago (he's an ex and this is one of the reasons!)

Brilliant!

I agree Op, he's probably waiting for the big reveal later! Well done for following through. I must do this myself as my DH is much the same with birthdays

So glad you stuck to your guns OP. Hope noone brings cake round.

He came down from work (wfh today) at 4, clearly expecting cake or something. His sister had bought pie, so we ate that, but no candles or singing, which we would usually have.

I just tried to have a conversation with him about expectations going forward, saying I wasn't sure how much of an effort we should be making for adult birthdays now, especially after what happened on mine. He claimed not to remember what had happened, I gently reminded him, and said it's fine so long as we have mutual expectations. I made it clear I would like to celebrate each others birthdays, but I wouldnt be the only one making an effort anymore, and no effort is a choice if that's what he wants. I suggested we could come up with a 'minimum requirements' list, like card, cake and help dc choose a present.

Instead of talking about it, he's decided to throw himself a pity party, saying he felt really, really bad about ruining my birthday. I said it was in the past, and we could move forwards with a clear plan, instead he's gone off and won't talk to me. Maybe I should have left that conversation for a few days.

I’m glad you spoke to him. What a shit he is.

Good for you @Gettissuesgotissues. You have tried to make a point by not making a fuss of him and you have also done your bit by raising the issue. I honestly wouldn’t raise it again. Take his man baby response which is intended to make you feel bad for raising it again as confirmation that he doesn’t want to make the effort and stick to just a card and presents from the kids at Christmas. Now you have an answer on how to approach bdays and Xmas you can hopefully move on from this and focus on his positive qualities (of which I assume he has many as you otherwise wouldn’t be with him).

Well done on following through on his birthday.
Let him sulk. He can fix it if he wants to.

Tell him you aren't looking for histrionics, you are looking for a practical agreement going forward. "Since you won't discuss it, let's agree that Christmas will be for the children only -- and I'll need you to do your share of sorting that out as well."

I do think you would have done better to wait to discuss the "lesson" in all this until after his birthday, if nothing else just to keep him in suspense until the day is definitely over, so he could feel the full effect. But what's done is done and I commend you for sticking to the no-frills approach.

He claimed not to remember what had happened, I gently reminded him, and said it's fine so long as we have mutual expectations. I made it clear I would like to celebrate each others birthdays, but I wouldnt be the only one making an effort anymore, and no effort is a choice if that's what he wants. I suggested we could come up with a 'minimum requirements' list, like card, cake and help dc choose a present.

He claimed not to remember what happened, how very convenient. He knew.

Instead of talking about it, he's decided to throw himself a pity party, saying he felt really, really bad about ruining my birthday. I said it was in the past, and we could move forwards with a clear plan, instead he's gone off and won't talk to me. Maybe I should have left that conversation for a few days.

He's throwing the pity party because he has got back what he gave out and he didn't for one minute think he would. Not talking to you is pathetic.

He sounds a total nob to be honest!

I’d leave it now and if it comes up then say ‘it’s only fair if everyone gets the same, so I’ll do for you whatever you do for me’ with a Big Smile.

and when It’s your birthday make sure you have cake and presents sorted yourself as a back up !

And well done for holding firm and updating the thread !