To make an effort for his birthday or not?

[Gettissuesgotissues]

My DH has often been rubbish at buying birthday/Christmas presents for me. I've had the occasional nice gift some years, absolutely nothing others. Excuses range from 'you didn't give me a wish list' to 'I'm just rubbish'.

We both had significant birthdays last year. His was first. We went on a big family holiday just before, and when we came back, on his actual birthday, I ran around decorating the house, bought a cake, took dc to choose presents for him and bought a couple of expensive presents from me. Then came my birthday. He gave me one small cheap unwrapped gift and a card, despite me giving him a requested wish list (I'm not greedy but it was a big birthday and money isn't that tight for him, and he asked for one!). Nothing from the dc, despite me asking him to take them to choose something as they wanted to celebrate my birthday and are too young to do it themselves (a pair of socks would have sufficed, it's really not about the value but the effort). No cake, a few decorations up from my decoration box. I suspected this might happen so bought myself something for the dc to give me and a cake (sad, I know, but it was my 40th!). He went about with a face like thunder the whole day, and started an argument with our eldest over lighting the candles on my cake, which I then had to do on my own with dc (double sad). Oh, also I was 5 months pregnant and spent the day feeling pretty gutted because of the atmosphere and lack of effort.

So my AIBU is this. His birthday is rolling around in the next few days. I love making a fuss and celebrating people (expensive gifts not required, but the whole cards, cake and at least a little something from me and the dcs). I've always made a decent effort before, but do I not bother this year and just give him a pair of pants? He's clearly expecting the usual, as he mentioned last week about sending me a wish list (and sent 3), and mentioned today about 'a pile of presents I'm not supposed to know anything about', so is clearly excited for his birthday. I was flabbergasted after what happened on my birthday, and he knew how upset I was. Do I let the dc choose something for him, as I don't want to drag them into this drama? Or do I not bother?

YABU - Treat it like every other birthday before

YANBU - Just do the minimum

Thanks everyone, I couldn't have kept to it without this thread! I feel very sad that I've made someone unhappy on their birthday, it's so not in my nature to do something that feels so spiteful, but I know it had to be done and am also proud of myself.

I think we'll be able to discuss it more rationally in a few days, but I will leave it to him to bring up.

Well done op. How convenient he forgot what happened on your birthday.

Rule 1 here is do not comfort a man who is upset about being a shit. Let them feel that they have indeed been a shit. He should feel bad. ‘I can see you finally realise this is a horrible way to treat someone you love but it is a bit mcuh to also take it out on me. Stop being grumpy and unhelpful because I had a shitty 40th please. I hope all this emotion turns into a decent birthday effort from you next year because otherwise it just feels like more not pulling your weight because I dared mention it.’

Well done!

I think you will find out how bad he feels on your next birthday

If he tries the pity party thing again, I think the line you should take is "if you want to make it up to me, you know when my next birthday is"

Wait a minute - he feels bad about ruining your birthday (YOUR 40TH!!) so he's not speaking to you?
He really is an absolute prince, this one 🙄

He more likely feels sorry for himself so he's sulking.

He made you feel shit on your birthday and didn’t make it up to you, so don’t feel bad. You could not make a big fuss given his lack of effort for you. I read this so frequently here and it drives me nuts. I’m glad he’s feeling as bad as he made you feel.

Keep remembering he was happy to do it to you

You haven't made him unhappy. He's a spoilt child who has even turned him ruining your birthday into being all about him!

I hope you're not getting him much for Christmas!

OP make sure you buy his xmas presents late on and keep the price tag on and the receipts. Then wait and see what he gets you so you can return it all if needs be.

The way he is acting, I'm not sure he has learned his lesson

This thread needs to be shared with every OP who posts about how she goes all out for her partner’s birthday but gets no effort for hers and yet feels it’s ‘spiteful’ not to keep making a fuss on his birthday.

Please don’t feel even a tad guilty, OP, you were 100% in the right and very generous with the effort you made considering he had a face like thunder on your birthday.

Oh dear, not the best response from him.

Watch your back this one sounds like he could be quite spiteful.

I bet he sulks when he loses at monopoly aswell.
Mardy bum.
What a child.

When is your birthday? It will be interesting to see what he does.

Thanks everyone, your messages have made me feel better! My birthday is about 6 months away, I will update!

At the minimum I expect he will remember bitterly how "nothing" was done for his birthday, although he forgot all about the same fir OPs last birthday...

I'm torn whether he will use it to hold a grudge against you though or actually learn something.

He came back with a bar of chocolate for me this morning after doing the school run, and is in a better mood, so maybe there is hope!

But bo introspection or explanation about his lack of previous effort?

For his next birthday get him a box of dead flowers... Or a bottle of sand...
He might get the message

Well, I think it's clear now that your DH is total knob.

Remember - he wasn't sorry when he did that to you.
And I'd shove that bar of chocolate up his ass.

Poor you - being married to that twat.

I'd do do the bare minimum. And assuming you still want to be married I'd tell him up front that you are only putting as much effort into him as he puts into you.