To make an effort for his birthday or not?

[Gettissuesgotissues]

My DH has often been rubbish at buying birthday/Christmas presents for me. I've had the occasional nice gift some years, absolutely nothing others. Excuses range from 'you didn't give me a wish list' to 'I'm just rubbish'.

We both had significant birthdays last year. His was first. We went on a big family holiday just before, and when we came back, on his actual birthday, I ran around decorating the house, bought a cake, took dc to choose presents for him and bought a couple of expensive presents from me. Then came my birthday. He gave me one small cheap unwrapped gift and a card, despite me giving him a requested wish list (I'm not greedy but it was a big birthday and money isn't that tight for him, and he asked for one!). Nothing from the dc, despite me asking him to take them to choose something as they wanted to celebrate my birthday and are too young to do it themselves (a pair of socks would have sufficed, it's really not about the value but the effort). No cake, a few decorations up from my decoration box. I suspected this might happen so bought myself something for the dc to give me and a cake (sad, I know, but it was my 40th!). He went about with a face like thunder the whole day, and started an argument with our eldest over lighting the candles on my cake, which I then had to do on my own with dc (double sad). Oh, also I was 5 months pregnant and spent the day feeling pretty gutted because of the atmosphere and lack of effort.

So my AIBU is this. His birthday is rolling around in the next few days. I love making a fuss and celebrating people (expensive gifts not required, but the whole cards, cake and at least a little something from me and the dcs). I've always made a decent effort before, but do I not bother this year and just give him a pair of pants? He's clearly expecting the usual, as he mentioned last week about sending me a wish list (and sent 3), and mentioned today about 'a pile of presents I'm not supposed to know anything about', so is clearly excited for his birthday. I was flabbergasted after what happened on my birthday, and he knew how upset I was. Do I let the dc choose something for him, as I don't want to drag them into this drama? Or do I not bother?

YABU - Treat it like every other birthday before

YANBU - Just do the minimum

I don't know whether he'll change. The chances do seem low. But I'm saying I would talk about it with him now. It's the perfect opportunity and maybe he'll see that it's better for the DC if he starts putting more effort in.

I think the problem with the "short sharp shock" approach is that it becomes very tit for tat then. It's unlikely it will lead to him making a big fuss of you next year. More likely you'll both just have shit birthdays forever and the resentment will continue to build. I'd probably give him a nice birthday but keep saying all day "this is what I'd like you to do for me next year". As the saying goes: be the change you want to see.

"I'm just rubbish" indeed! If he'd bought you a "nice" gift that didn't fit/didn't suit your style, lost the receipt, and burned the birthday cake he tried to bake, that might be a bit rubbish. He made no effort at all, couldn't even do the very basic parenting task of helping the children buy and wrap gifts (he could have ordered on line, pre-wrapped!) He knows that birthdays are important to you - they're also important to him, or at least his is! You can't make someone treat you well, though. At this point, I'd help the children buy/wrap gifts for him if that's what they'd normally do but do nothing from you.

Also, slightly tangential, but his being grumpy with you (negatively impacting your day) because he's done something wrong is a negative pattern. Even on those clueless-husband American sitcoms, the guy would tell his wife her birthday present was scheduled for delivery in time but got delayad, and then run out and order/buy her something extravagant. This guy just snaps/sulks?

My DP is pretty rubbish and this year I've given up. My birthday present this year was a bit insulting tbh, it's the sort of thing I buy all the time and wasn't special at all. He's getting the bare minimum this year. I've realised that the fuss is as much about me getting something out of it as it is wanting to make him feel special. Having said that, your DH sounds awful and I think you maybe have a bigger problem then just being rubbish if he's intentionally making you feel bad.

Gutless. The OP already has really shit birthdays, she has nothing to loose. I think she'll regret that a lot less if it's not one sided.

We don't do presents for each other and just go for a family meal out now but in your position I would do the same amount he did for you and when he inevitably sulks or throws a strop remind him how shit yours was last year. Like you said a little bit of thought and effort like getting the kids to make a card and buy a cake and some chocolates with them that they would be excited to give you.

I would buy him a cake, as I expect the DC will appreciate it.

Another vote for bare minimum. He’s got some cheek to talk about a “pile of presents” and a “wish list” after how he behaved!

I’d go out for the day and leave a card on the table with some cash and write in it “Happy Bday. You and the kids can have a Happy Meal each at Mc Donald’s.”

Btw I know how you feel as my exh was shit! Even down to purposely causing arguments on someone else’s special day.

Now I’m divorced I don’t really care a jot about nothing much happening on my birthday! It’s about someone who’s meant to care about you not behaving as though they do. They should want to make you feel special.

I'd have shut him down as soon as he hinted at piles of presents and wish lists. Something along the lines of, 'I don't think so fuckwit after your piss poor effort for my 40th'.

The reason you tell him every time he mentions his gifts, or gets excited a out his birthday is to protect yourself.
When he show you a list you actually get to say your hurt and your reasons. He will listen to you before his birthday, as he knows what you do normally. So he will think You are bluffing, but when the big day arrives you will not get to explain, as he will sulk for England.

Did he apologise OP? And promise he'd do better? Just curious how the conversation went.
The fact he was openly GRUMPY instead of getting a grip and putting a good front on to at least try and make up for his lack of effort would be an additional kick in the teeth for me.

YANBU

And when he strops about it -
"I'm just rubbish".

I can't believe he had the temerity to give you his wish list, after not just ignoring yours, but making zero effort!

I’d gift him with divorce papers. What a selfish prick

I would do only as much as you are willing to do for pleasure and without any expectation of a quid pro quo. That way , you are not disappointed and have no explanation of reciprocity.

If you have a need for reciprocity, you should tell him in very specific terms exactly what you want him to do for your Birthday.

Card & kid-chosen- gift.

The man does not deserve cake

Not quite the same (as I've manage to train DP about birthdays and Christmas) but after DD was born - he was dreadful at Mother's Day (to be fair he was bad for his Mum as well). Always did something for father's Day as DD brought cards back from Nursery / Pre-school. One year - nothing,nada, zilch. Fine OK. Was upset but thought if that's the way it's going to play out - so be it. So nothing for him on father's day. Cue the big sulks. 'But you did nothing for Mother's day, so I thought we'd stopped them....' Mother's day remembered everytime since.

You can explain until you're blue in the face - however Actions speak louder than words. He has to feel it to know it and remember it

It sounds like OP has always had shit birthdays so in this case she has nothing to lose.
I dont see why he gets yet another decent birthday on the off chance that this time he will learn. Spoiler, he will never learn.

Are you married to a 14 year old, OP?

Being over-excited about his own birthday and talking about ‘piles of presents’ whilst being too inept and uncaring to even organise fucking wrapping paper for yours? And giving a load of sulky pushback and ruining your actual 40th birthday even more by causing an argument with a child, just because he knows he’s in the wrong?

Christ, what a self-absorbed man baby. The sheer ineptitude and inability to behave like a functioning adult would have my fanny healing over in no time at all, even without the blatant lack of love and respect. Does he have any good qualities …?

I'd say you have 2 choices.

The first:

Buy him a small box of chocolates from the dc, as they will probably be looking forward to giving him something.

Get him something unwanted and cheap as a gift - or regift the thing he gave you if you've still got it. Don't wrap it. Cheap card.

Don't get him a cake. If he wants one he can buy his own. You can point that out on the day.

If he says anything, mope around as though hes offended you.

The second:

Buy him a really fantastic gift - but make it something that YOU want and is of no or little use to him.

Buy a cake in a flavour that he hates but you love.

I also agree with talking to him. Asking him why he expects his wishlist to be adhered to when he didn't do yours.

My boyfriend isn't fussed about birthdays so we just have a cake, a practical present and nice food.

I organise my own birthday - invite friends etc.

If you are kind enough to make him a cake, choose YOUR favourite flavour (which is hopefully his least favourite)

Luckily @Gettissuesgotissues is nowhere near as petty and spiteful as I am, or his only gift would be this book www.wob.com/en-gb/books/r-l-blackwood/man-s-guide-to-surviving-divorce/9781463777326?gclid=Cj0KCQiA37KbBhDgARIsAIzce17S59hNyhSJ3K2sPkVKUaCt_qDcLa8yXs7VKTETUnwvJVSZPgzjnskaAvpgEALw_wcB#GOR008183160

Disclaimer - of course I’m not seriously suggesting she give him the book.

I agree with others that you need to do the utter minimum on his birthday.

I do have a suggestion for your birthday though. See if you can enlist a friend or family member, give them some cash and ask them to help your kids pick a gift and card for you and help them wrap it. I would happily do this for a friend or family member.

As you gave your husband a list it's not necessarily about the surprise, so pre order a few things you want, perhaps wrap them yourself if you want the unwrapping, or again ask a friend to help and give them a list and budget and cash and let them do the shopping.

Book yourself a spa visit, a cinema trip, a lunch out on your birthday so you have a plan to look forward to. Arrange a cake.

Your husband is going to be disappointing, that does not mean your birthday has to be disappointing.

My husband is a great gift giver but a terrible organiser, so I organized my 40th meal out with friends and I organized my cake.

It was no less special because I sorted it, and I got exactly what I wanted.

In the immortal words of Donna (Parks and Rec)..... Treat Yo Self!!!!

@44PumpLane I really like this idea, I will ask friends/family to help the kids get gifts in the future. I did treat myself to a nice gift a week or so later, and my friends took me to a spa.