If both you and your partner work

[knackerarmous]

How do you divide up "housework"?

I know there are people on here who say they can clean a 17 bedroom mansion in 20 minutes but how long do you really spend cleaning in a day to get round everything? How often do you deep clean stuff?

My partner has taken the route of saying that since he cooks he only has to do a bit here and there. Everything he makes uses every utensil, pan and plate in the place. For me, something simple would do most days. I do cook but over lockdown he got this obsession with it and in his own words is "possessive" about it. On that basis it's a mix of something that needs doing and a hobby as well. I don't think he can see that. I did a roast dinner with all the trimmings the other day (which he somewhat ruefully admitted was very nice) and then the next day he was panicking about what lunch was going to be! There was loads left.

I feel quite resentful about this situation. We've discussed it and agreed to draw up a list of what needs doing and divide it between us. So, what do you think is fair?

If it makes a difference we are both self employed/wtf so we make a bit more mess during the day. I earn more than him but work less hours, which I think has caused him to think the house is my job.

Are you married, otherwise partnered, single? Do you have kids? Are you employed outside the home? In your home, are you the default ‘doer of chores’? Are you happy?

I assume she meant that sort of stuff. I’m also interested.

My parents have been married for almost 40 years and are still very loved up, despite the fact that - as they are both doctors - they never considered the domestic realm as belonging to my mother. My Dad taught me how to cook.

DH and I also split chores evenly and I expect we’ll have similar longevity.

In my experience (and also backed up by the actual stats) men failing or refusing to pull their weight with regards to domestic labour is often cited as one of the main factors in marriages ending. For the most part, women now have to work outside the home and quite a few aren’t willing to then come home and do everything. Times doth change.

29 married. Don’t work have 3 young kids, used to work as a TA. Yes I do most chores, husband does do some DIY and yard work (not that there’s that much) but works full time.
yes I am happy 😊

From what I’ve seen most men just aren’t as good at that stuff. Don’t get me wrong it’s lovely that femininely minded men now aren’t put down for taking on more of a home role, but this is what works for us and I think works for many many couples.

Even if you don’t agree it’s best for you, I still think both partners working the same and doing the same amount of tasks at home throws up so many challenges and compromises and results in conflict over arranging it all and the best way to do it.

👌

Couples who both take on equal share in all roles are far more likely to split up

What a bonkers reply. Any evidence for this?

@RishisProudMum

I think those stats are likely to be highly biased based on the publication that’s putting them out and the organisation collecting them. I mean I have to think those kind of stats are done by some kind of sociology department with an eye to feminism - of course you would expect results like that. I’d take it with a grain of salt.

All the happies couples (with kids) I know the man mostly works and they have a more traditional relationship (though some of the women do work but usually less hours).
Just how it is from what I’ve seen

From what I’ve seen most men just aren’t as good at that stuff.

@PollyZo

you are 29, married for years if you have 3 children.
How many men have you lived with?

I'd argue its the opposite!

Don’t get me wrong it’s lovely that femininely minded men now aren’t put down for taking on more of a home role

It's not about being femininely minded, whatever that means, it's about being a responsible adult.

I expect my husband to carry out an equal share of chores because he's a grown adult. If I did more or he wasn't capable, it would feel like I was looking after a child. Hugely off-putting in a partner!

Women aren't inherently 'better' at housework, we're conditioned to do it. Bollocks to that.

@Oddieconvert

I don’t have to have lived with a lot of men to have observed that and heard it from other women.
I’m sure none of us posting have lived with so so many men that we could pool the number for an official study.

@Clickta

Its weird to me that you would consider doing more housework when you don’t work or work less for a man who works full time as like “looking after a child”

@Clickta

And I do think we’re just better and better at knowing what to do with young children.
Not everything is “conditioning” - there’s a reason why all those little chimps in the zoo are hanging off Mummy most of the time

But you said that most of
your female peers don’t work or work a few hours. So presumably that is where you’re coming from?

Just my opinion. Couples who both take on equal share in all roles are far more likely to split up and create a broken home for their children as they’re always stepping on each other’s toes and having to organise and re organise. Far easier and less stressful to have separate domains and roles

Just putting this out there - or women who've given up their careers to take on the domestic load are less able to separate as they have neither the funds nor the confidence to leave.

And the expression "broken home" is a misnomer. A broken home to you may be the parents separated. For me, as long as both parents are happier separated, then it isn't broken.

Broken for me would be my daughter thinking she had to become a domestic slave. And for my son to think he needs to find a "compliant" woman.

We have the rule that whoever cooks is also responsible for cleaning up and tidying the kitchen afterwards - it’s a complete ‘job’ - but we do have a dishwasher.

Do you know what the terms ‘peer review’ and ‘evidence based’ mean? Genuinely, not being snarky. As it doesn’t sound like you do.

If you’re going to disregard stats because they don’t fit in with the narrow view of life and limited experience, then you will never grow. But, that’s an entirely personal choice.

DH does:
laundry
ironing
foodshop
most dinners
bins

I do:
tidying
cleaning
most pick up/drop offs
All homework
All bed/bathtime
All school and extra curricular stuff

Both of us feel we do "more". I am getting a cleaner as I am just tired of never sitting down, never enjoying my children. Its taken years to convince dh so in the end I said I'd pay for it myself every other week and he can either pay every other week too or clean himself. When it came to his turn to clean I took the boys out for a lovely lunch and kickabout in the park. He couldn't come as he had his cleaning to do. When he got back he said yea, ok. I'll pay. 🤣

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

Well what broken means to you isn’t really relevant. I’m sure if your children (barring a violent or abusive environment) heard their parents were splitting they would feel there home was being broken.

Both parents being happier to leave the marriage and do there own thing like singles doesn’t somehow mean the kids will be happier. That’s extremely wishful and frankly self serving thinking.

I don’t think it’s that those women are less able to leave - I think it’s that they and their partner function as a team in a way that couples who both work full time (separately) and then divy up home tasks (that they do seperately) don’t. I also think there’s less likely to be little conflicts when both partners have differing roles in a marriage as the other won’t be thinking they know better how their partner should do such and such. Also it’s less stressful when you know what’s happening, rather than always having to re arrange work around children and decide who is doing what in the home and whether they’re doing enough.

It’s inevitable to me that partners both doing that will grow apart and come to resent each other. It’s too much of the same thing and creates conflict.

@RishisProudMum

Yes I do. But surely you must realise that if the “peers” reviewing one’s work are from a similar field of sociology with a similar ideological bent they are likely to agree with others working in that field to a general degree.

Im sure you could pull up some stats from decades ago when those kinds of departments were all men that you find highly sexist and slanted which were credibly and thoroughly peer reviewed (by like minded men to those publishing the stats and studies) as well. That’s what I see in stats like those.

@RishisProudMum
@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

Look at LndnMummys post for an example - both feel they do more and she is tired and can’t enjoy her own children. That’s what aim talking about

So, no, you don’t know what those terms mean. I thought not.

Please see my second paragraph above.

@PollyZo

you are 29, and rural from what you’ve indicated you do around your property with three young children.

Did you have a career before giving up work?

@PollyZo All the happies couples (with kids) I know the man mostly works and they have a more traditional relationship (though some of the women do work but usually less hours).

You are a 29 year old stay at home mum who already has 3 children. I think it’s fair to say you already aren’t representative of your peers so I imagine you have a pretty specific circle.
Equally I would say all the happiest couples I know have a fairly even split of housework and childcare and a man who pulls their weight.
Are some women happy at home? Sure?
Are some women happy working? Of course.
But this bullshit you spouting about how couples are happier when men don’t do housework, how women are ‘naturally’ better at cleaning is all just garbage 😂

Your husband is obviously quite hands on @PollyZo

as 6pm generally quite a busy time for a sahm of three young children and yet you are dedicating yourself admirably to this (and other) threads!

And my relationship, that of my parents and those of most of the people I know are what I’m talking about. We can all provide anecdotal evidence to support our world views, but the plural of ‘anecdote’ is not ‘data’. Data is data, stats are stats. You can disregard them and be a surrendered wife if you like, but the world you’re describing is has disappeared for a lot of people and is fast disappearing for the majority.

And good riddance.