If both you and your partner work

[knackerarmous]

How do you divide up "housework"?

I know there are people on here who say they can clean a 17 bedroom mansion in 20 minutes but how long do you really spend cleaning in a day to get round everything? How often do you deep clean stuff?

My partner has taken the route of saying that since he cooks he only has to do a bit here and there. Everything he makes uses every utensil, pan and plate in the place. For me, something simple would do most days. I do cook but over lockdown he got this obsession with it and in his own words is "possessive" about it. On that basis it's a mix of something that needs doing and a hobby as well. I don't think he can see that. I did a roast dinner with all the trimmings the other day (which he somewhat ruefully admitted was very nice) and then the next day he was panicking about what lunch was going to be! There was loads left.

I feel quite resentful about this situation. We've discussed it and agreed to draw up a list of what needs doing and divide it between us. So, what do you think is fair?

If it makes a difference we are both self employed/wtf so we make a bit more mess during the day. I earn more than him but work less hours, which I think has caused him to think the house is my job.

Thankfully my messy cooker also does the boring child cooking too (he does all of the cooking) but overall you’re spot on I think.

We used to have a cleaner but it became awkward with WFH/lockdown etc and she stopped coming anyway. Then we sort of got into a routine and never bothered getting another one. Would rather save the £60 a week and get the exercise too.

He thinks that's fair and even, I do not!

He would say that, wouldn't he.

I'm not sure I would be bothered to have a big summit about it. Fairness about household chores has always been my top priority in choosing a mate.

If you do want to continue together, one way would be to work out how long everything takes and divide up who does what to even the time taken.

For me, though, I just wouldn't want to share a house, never mind a bed, with someone who thinks it's fair for him to do the fun cooking part while a lesser being clears up for him.

Who does the meal planning and shopping? Laundry for clothes and beds and tables? Cleaning, hoovering ?

Sorry, really don't think someone trying to steal your time but having you clean up after them is a good prospect.

Certainly, Don't ever have children with him.

He disagrees with getting a cleaner.

Of course he does.

But then, he can make a mess in the kitchen and you clean it up for him. Why would he want a cleaner ?

Labour saving devices may be the way forward

Or, just maybe, a fair and equitable division of Labour in the home.

You sound resigned. Dig deep sister, this doesn't have to be how your life is from now.

It took me 15 years of being with DH to realise that if the person who cooks doesn't have to do the washing up, they are not incentivised to keep the kitchen clean!
So now if you cook, you sort the kitchen out afterwards - which includes emptying the washing up bowl, making sure the sink is free of debris, wiping down the tops and cooker and sweeping the floor.
It's made life (for me) SO much easier!

It took me 15 years of being with DH to realise that if the person who cooks doesn't have to do the washing up, they are not incentivised to keep the kitchen clean!

well yes - if they’re a bit of a twat

@Oddieconvert I don't think my lovely husband is a 'twat' for enjoying cooking and being a bit exuberant in the kitchen. What an extreme response!

What on earth is ‘car admin’ (that generally means some husbands can’t do much else).

Apart from a once a year service, MOT and insurance, plus the occasional flat tyre and filling the oil once. What takes time?

they are not incentivised to keep the kitchen clean!

if I knew my wife would be doing the cleaning afterwards, my incentive would be not to make it a shit show!

Not for the cooking or the enjoyment, no. However, if he’s ‘exuberant’ in the kitchen and then leaves you to clean it all up, without twigging that he’s made loads of work for you and/or trying to make as little mess for you as possible, that’s twattish behaviour.

He's always cleaned up after himself, but not to my exacting standards. He does now! Is that OK, or is immediate divorce the only way forward?! 😅

Well on the thread you started last week about him that I was (and giving you support) - divorce didn’t look out the realms of possibility for some

what did you do to change him after 15 years?

So I would ask if he really thinks this is a fair division of labour - essentially him doing the cooking and you doing everything else.

And if he says yes, then tell him you'll be swapping roles with him for the next month - you'll be doing the cooking and he'll be doing everything else. Does he still think that's fair?

I just think as women we’re naturally more attuned to noticing household work and getting it done. Obviously if you both work equally he may have to learn to do a bit better but to be real I think your just going to make yourself suffer as a woman if your thinking domestic chores will ever be done equally (or even that close to it). It’s just not natural.

Generally, whoever cooks doesn't do the washing up. But it depends on moods and diaries as well as the general convention. (Teen DD only cooks for herself and never cleans up...).

DH tends to be better at getting a load into the washing machine, I tend to be better at getting it on the line/clothes horse. He tends to do the once-a-week folding of all clean, dry clothes from the downstairs hamper (where clean clothes go once dry) and he does all ironing (mostly his and DD's shirts but an occasional item of mine - he took over ironing from us each doing our own when DD was born and he couldn't feed her).

I tend to be more diligent at doing bathrooms. We both are good at making sure the kitchen is kept clean. I tend to sweep/mop more frequently, but its 50/50 on who sees the hoovering is needed or that kitchen bins need emptying (I tend to do upstairs bins when doing bathroom). He does most of the garden poo-picking after DDog. I tend to clean out and reset the wood stove.

But I am definitely better at deeper cleaning and restocking things. Any dusting, cleaning windows, cleaning filters in machines (many and varied), cleaning splashbacks, decluttering cupboards, de-cobwebbing walls/ceilings, cleaning out gutters, etc, tend to be me. Neither of us cleans the silver and we rarely do any polishing.

🤣🤣🤣

It took me 15 years of being with DH to realise that if the person who cooks doesn't have to do the washing up, they are not incentivised to keep the kitchen clean!

AND

He's always cleaned up after himself, but not to my exacting standards. He does now!

So, now that the mess generated by his ‘exuberance’ is entirely his responsibility to take care of, his standards of cleaning have stepped up? How curious.

If you’re happy, then I’m pleased for you, I guess.

Odd isn’t it?! 😂

We are in a minority as whoever cooks; clears up. When we both worked ft we did roughly 50/50 and it meant one of us had the luxury of no dinner related chores 50% if the time rather than 0% of the time. It does also avoid resentment if one of you is a messier cook than the other.

Both work FT is similar jobs.

Do an equal share of housework, on balance.

Live in a flat so doesn’t take long to clean.

We don’t try to keep it spotless all the time because life’s too short (also no DC which means it doesn’t get that messy that often).

I work 4 days, DH 5 days.
He cooks often, I'd say 80% of the time. He walks the dog on weekends and looks after the garden. Admittedly it's a big garden, but he doesn't put in the hours it needs really.
I do all the laundry, general cleaning including bathrooms, walk dog weekdays. I also do all the life admin and admin for his business. Kids are a bit older, teen and pre-teen but I'm in charge of taking them to clubs etc and anything school related

Really, you think it's natural and not entirely due to the socialisation of women?

Goodness.

*Oddieconvert · Today 12:57

SmokedHaddockChowder · Today 12:54

He's always cleaned up after himself, but not to my exacting standards. He does now! Is that OK, or is immediate divorce the only way forward?! 😅

what did you do to change him after 15 years?*

Aah I see, so you're one of THOSE women. We all know the type - who try to drag you down by bringing up issues you're experiencing after you've moved on from them. Try to be a nicer person.