If both you and your partner work

[knackerarmous]

How do you divide up "housework"?

I know there are people on here who say they can clean a 17 bedroom mansion in 20 minutes but how long do you really spend cleaning in a day to get round everything? How often do you deep clean stuff?

My partner has taken the route of saying that since he cooks he only has to do a bit here and there. Everything he makes uses every utensil, pan and plate in the place. For me, something simple would do most days. I do cook but over lockdown he got this obsession with it and in his own words is "possessive" about it. On that basis it's a mix of something that needs doing and a hobby as well. I don't think he can see that. I did a roast dinner with all the trimmings the other day (which he somewhat ruefully admitted was very nice) and then the next day he was panicking about what lunch was going to be! There was loads left.

I feel quite resentful about this situation. We've discussed it and agreed to draw up a list of what needs doing and divide it between us. So, what do you think is fair?

If it makes a difference we are both self employed/wtf so we make a bit more mess during the day. I earn more than him but work less hours, which I think has caused him to think the house is my job.

So two people cooking two sets of meals just because he’s a messy cook who can’t clean up after himself?

We both have an equal share and we separate things out by person. He does his laundry, I do my laundry, we both do the rest of the laundry but we don't really take turns it just gets done. We both do dishes and clean down the kitchen. Living areas, beds and dining table just get tidied away at the end of each day by both of us. He cleans his own office and I do mine. We go food shopping together so we can plan the meals and discuss who is going to cook what on which days working out our work schedules. We both wfh full time.

The only jobs which 1 person does all of it is he does bins and cleans the cat litter tray and I will do all the finance admin and we're both happy with that.

We play to our strengths and in the case of cooking, to my passion! So I order weekly food delivery, cook (most nights) and partner empties the bins (most times, although if I’m there when this happens I pop in the new bin bag), looks after garden and composting. We generally do our own laundry but we offer to do each other’s where there space in the machine. We both wipe kitchen surfaces, put out loo rolls, load and unload dishwasher (partner will generally do the evening meal loading as I’ve cooked) and tidy up (we have a cleaner) pretty evenly as and when it needs doing. We didn’t discuss it, just fell into a routine.

@WaddleAway nope because op doesn't want to wash dishes but is happy to eat the food, takes 15 mins max to wash dishes and he probably spent over double That to cook for her

I'd say ours is weighted towards me, but then I concede that I make most of the mess! 😂

I do 99% of the cooking, we both clear up, but DH seems to sometimes be blind to the things that have actually cooked the meal.

Dishwasher emptying - mostly DH even though he can't ever put anything back in the right places

Laundry I do mostly, but DH will put a load on if he sees it starting to build up.

Cleaning, we do have a cleaner that comes every other week. I do a bit of a top up clean on the intervening weeks and weekends, but nothing major - just keeping the kitchen clean and floors hoovered if they need it.

Gardening - all on him. I might run the lawn mower round if he's busy.

Bins - definitely a DH job, though my Saturday morning routine normally involves taking the recycling out the kitchen.

Litter trays - equal

Cat kills (a.k.a. dead things and body parts) - definitely a DH job! I think I would trade every chore in the house for him to solely be responsible for this task!

We have no children thankfully or our house would be a total tip!

I am basically @WaddleAway 's DH but we also have a rule of "if you cook you also wash up the pans" so I clean as I go and try not to make unnecessary washing. I also wipe down the sides as I go. My aim is to have nothing left to wash when we eat except the stuff we use to eat!

In terms of dividing other jobs though, if he doesn't want to get a cleaner he should pick up the jobs you would delegate to a cleaner. If he doesn't like it then he can suck it up and employ someone.

In terms of division of labour for me and DH, we do try and make sure we have equal leisure (non cleaning non family) time. Then we do the jobs we like. And only then do we divide the stuff we don't like.
Me: laundry, meal planning/online shop, cooking, day to day wipe-downs of the kitchen, dentist/doctor stuff for kids
Him: bins, tidying, hoovering, family birthdays/cards, haircuts for kids, kids clubs and activities admin, life admin like mortgage, insurances, etc. Used to do all dog stuff too before she died. Once every few months he does a decluttering blitz which I am rubbish at.
Cleaner: loos, more hoovering, dusting, proper kitchen clean

Except she’s said that cooking is his hobby, he does it for fun and he makes loads of mess, uses an unnecessary amount of dishes and doesn’t do any cleaning up as he goes along.

This! I felt this was an unnecessary luxury when we moved in together but now I wouldn’t do without it. We use our cleaner for general cleaning but also for some of the things neither of us like doing - changing beds, washing bed linen, ironing. It’s definitely helped us have a happy relationship although if we reduced our incomes or retired we would rethink this. At present we both work long hours so feel happy to pay out so we can enjoy more of our free time together.

That’s our rule now too. Which has made him a slightly less messy cook! On the rare occasions I cook there’s nothing left to wash up at the end as I do it as I go along.

On the whole, I do the cooking, the shopping, the washing up, do the laundry, and most the hoovering

DH does the dishwasher, tidies kitchen after meals, sorts the laundry, does bins, does the ironing and makes kids lunches

it kind of works. We both work full time.

We're two adults and one dog. Small flat so tbh there isn't much to do, which makes it a lot easier. 2 bedrooms, bathroom and kitchen/ living room.

If we were in a house with multiple bedrooms / bathrooms we would get a cleaner. It's no good for anyone to spend the weekend cleaning 3 bathrooms, changing 4 loads of sheets, hoovering miles and miles of carpet.

As things stand, I do dog walks and the bathroom. He does kitchen and floors. Laundry is shared. dusting is shared, bins shared. He does the car tyres, clean and vacuum.

I mostly cook but that's mostly because I don't want to end up the size of a house! His cooking is lovely but very calorific! So that's my choice. He always does the cooking if I say I don't want to, but then if my jeans don't do up I regret it!

We have had words about housework because I can be very messy... I do try I just get distracted!

> We both work
> He works shift hours - me 9-5
> He works more days and longer hours (earns way more)
> We have our assigned weekly chores - he cleans the upstairs, I clean the down stairs
> We share laundry - one week each
> I cook. He doesn't like cooking. Which means I also clean the cooking utensils, because I cook when he is at work. I cook as I please and he shows gratitude. If I don't cook (he never expects it), he will spruce something up for himself. I like to cook for him, because that is my way of showing love and he appreciates it so much. And he shows me love in different ways like always taking me out and treating me well
> When he doesn't get a day off in a week because most likely we have been away, and he has used his days off for it, rather than use his work holiday allowance; I will do his share of the chores
> He is on empty bins/put bins out duty, full time and grocery shopping (I do grocery to ups through the week)
> He does all my car stuff and has no issue with my woman spending (he doesn't buy much if anything at all)
> It doesn't matter who brings in more money, because work is work. What does matter to some extent, is who has more free time. I am more free than my husband, so out of love for him, and keeping our home in order, I will do more around the house happily
> However, we share, we care, we express gratitude all the time and never take each other for granted (he never expects me to do more just because I have more 'free time'. Because that is still MY TIME. I decide what I want to do with it, not him. He just rightfully so, expects me to understand if sometimes his chores are not done, delayed or half done).
> If he starts to get relaxed about his share or take me for granted a little (that's truly a man thing), I'll snap him back into place in no time ;-) because I can only do what I do (the extras), so wholeheartedly, when I feel the recognition and gratitude, and equally, I make it a point to make sure he knows how much I appreciate and adore him

I think the real issue with your situation OP, is the sense of entitlement your partner is showing, and by extension lack of recognition and gratitude for anything extra you are doing, and a lack of respect for your time being your time. You may also feel a little niggle that your income is higher, so you are technically paying more towards the roof over your head, so his oversight there is not exactly thrilling.

End point: share the chores EQUALLY. And he needs to up his game with gratitude, and requesting as opposed to expecting - so he needs a little talking too IMO.

On the cooking front, weeknight meals are easy and quick, but at weekends I tend to cook something more long winded as I have time and I enjoy it.

In any event, I wash up or put in the dishwasher as I go, so that the only thing left to clear away after we've eaten is what we've used to eat with and what I've served up from.

I also clean the worktops down as soon as I've finished with the food prep, so that it doesn't have to be done after dinner. I'm already standing at the worktop so it doesn't make sense to just leave it.

My parents have a rule that one person cooks and the other clears away. As I'm the one that uses more pans than DH I quite like the idea of this rule, but the aforementioned "equipment blindness" would mean that things would go unnoticed by DH for days!

We both do what needs doing.
I work shifts and DH is out from 7.30 in the morning until 8.00 in the evening and works Saturday morning.
Dh will do the grocery shop and pick bits up. He will cook meals for me for when I get home. He cleans the bathroom and toilet and does the hoovering. ( so do I ) He will put a wash in when it’s ready to go and peg it out.
when the kids were small he ironed their uniforms, now he just does his and anything I need.
we have never fallen out over household tasks in over 30 years.

Might I add... my husband also does all the house and car 'admin' as someone else has written. Also, on the rare occasion we're both home at meal times, I cook, he cleans because I'm not his mother to do both ;-)

It comes down to, we all want to be appreciated and not taken for granted and certainly not have a partner/spouse expect from us. That never ends well and truly does sour feelings and create resentment.

We don't have much of a schedule atm to be honest, whoever gets home first makes dinner, we have two adult DC at home too so they pitch in as well, it is tough going though as we're all pretty tired by the time we get home, there's no actual set jobs, we just do stuff as we goo and maybe on a weekend we all spend an hour giving the place a more thorough clean. My DH is going to be cutting his hours a bit in the next few weeks though so that's going to be great, will take the pressure off the house work a little bit

Me: 100%
DH: 0%

Not unhappy about it, was when DS was smaller. But I like cleaning, (and cooking) I'm better at it. My house is very clean and tidy and just how I like it

We both work full time but DH works 2 jobs. So I see the housework as my 'second job'

Works for us. I'm sure most of MN would be furious about it 😅

FYI I went through a very bitter and resentful phase about it years ago, DH started to help me much more and I realised im a control freak and actually Its better if I do it!

We both work ft (though I work tto). I also wfh 3-4 days per week. I do majority of child related stuff- organising/ driving etc. I also do all shopping and cooking (try and stick it in slow cooker while I'm at home). I will also stick a wash on during the day. I rarely have time to unstack dishwasher or do other jobs around the house during day. Dh will come in from work and do dishwasher, then he'll run the hoover around the house, maybe wash the floors. He clears up after dinner and cleans kitchen. He usually sticks another wash on. He tends to do most deep cleans of bathroom and he spends 2-3 hours every weekend managing the garden (it's massive and now it's autumn there constantly leaves to pick up!). He never argue about chores, we both just get on with it. He also does 90% of dog walking.

we also have a rule of "if you cook you also wash up the pans" so I clean as I go and try not to make unnecessary washing. I also wipe down the sides as I go. My aim is to have nothing left to wash when we eat except the stuff we use to eat!

This is what I do too but I am the only adult

We have just naturally fallen into a rhythm. We both have some specific tasks, i do all the kids' washing, dh always deals with bins and recycling. He cooks at the weekend, i cook more during the week as i work from home and he doesn't. He always loads and unloads the dishwasher. I do the online shop, but he always puts it away.

Other stuff - wiping up kids' mess, sweeping floor, whoever is onhand does it. Normally one of us us bathing kids etc and the other deals with the kitchen/dinner mess.

Overall i would say it is fair.

I do the vast majority and I'm ok with it. We both WFH, though DH travels and I do not. DH works longer, more stressful days I see that for myself. I have far more balance and therefore for the moment am happy to the majority (and have it done how I like!).

We use Hello Fresh (which I consider we're paying a premium for iyswim) and DH gets in a take away 1 night and we tend to go out one night a week rather than cook himself, although he sometimes chooses to.

He also does the lawn, hedges, garden poo pick, wheelie bins, maintenance jobs etc.

I was laughing to myself last night because everynight after I cook, he starts loading up the dishwasher, and I always stop him before he puts it on telling him I left a cup upstairs so that I can refill it and make sure everything actually goes in. But heaven forbid he wonder off without at least attempting to start filling it... 😂

Pretty fairly I think, I do groceries and cooking and he loads dishwasher and cleans kitchen.
Weekends we do housework, it's not an issue we just do whatever needs doing without arguing about it.
I probably do more re laundry and bathroom cleaning but he does the diy stuff.

We have a cleaner who does 5 hours a week (4 bed, 2 bath, 3 reception house), we do no cleaning ourselves except i clear mess in kitchen after DP cooks. I wfh so do laundry as a break from work, but we own no clothes that require ironing so it’s not a big deal.

Having no DC at home makes a BIG difference! When they visit, the mess is extraordinary, though they do cook…

I do bulk of cooking, bulk of laundry and hoovering. DH does bins, washing up, bathroom.
We both tidy and have a cleaner once a fortnight which I pay for as I got fed up of my husband always putting tidying stuff away off. It's worth the money as he's clears away the random crap he manages to accumulate in that time. She also does the jobs we don't get round to such as skirting, window sills and dusting.

Hmmm, my working hours are much shorter than my husband's (despite me working full time), so I do most of the load. Shopping, cooking, cleaning. He cooks once a week (on his day off), does the dishes if he's home early, some odd vacuuming, scooping litter trays etc. Oh, and he always changes bedsheets, flips mattress. Also, car stuff, gardening, repairs are on him. Day to day stuff is mine. When he worked less hours, we used to split +- 50%, with being flexible (nothing like "I cleaned the bathroom, so you do the floors even though you're not well today").