If both you and your partner work

[knackerarmous]

How do you divide up "housework"?

I know there are people on here who say they can clean a 17 bedroom mansion in 20 minutes but how long do you really spend cleaning in a day to get round everything? How often do you deep clean stuff?

My partner has taken the route of saying that since he cooks he only has to do a bit here and there. Everything he makes uses every utensil, pan and plate in the place. For me, something simple would do most days. I do cook but over lockdown he got this obsession with it and in his own words is "possessive" about it. On that basis it's a mix of something that needs doing and a hobby as well. I don't think he can see that. I did a roast dinner with all the trimmings the other day (which he somewhat ruefully admitted was very nice) and then the next day he was panicking about what lunch was going to be! There was loads left.

I feel quite resentful about this situation. We've discussed it and agreed to draw up a list of what needs doing and divide it between us. So, what do you think is fair?

If it makes a difference we are both self employed/wtf so we make a bit more mess during the day. I earn more than him but work less hours, which I think has caused him to think the house is my job.

Bloomin heck.. just thought. At 29 I was I a flat share in London, just fallen in love, working my way up the career ladder and having pretty indulgent weekends and holidays!! Fond memories (now helping my teen with homework)

I legit snorted. 😂😂😂

@RishisProudMum

Like I’ve said - you almost certainly read publications and “studies” by those who share your outlook.

Im not a “surrendered” wife, that world will never disappear for many and the fact you think it’s good if it does really shows your bias against anything other than totally shared roles and your bias against stay at home Mums.

Thats your problem. I haven’t tried to be personal with you but you are clearly a bitter over this.

@RishisProudMum

Im just telling it like it is ladies, there’s no need to get catty and do the predictable back and foward mean girl thing with the poster who agrees with you.

Thats really quite sad and high school girlish

And, like I’ve said, you do not understand the nature of evidence based research or peer review. And (copy/pasting):

If you’re going to disregard stats because they don’t fit in with the narrow view of life and limited experience, then you will never grow. But, that’s an entirely personal choice.

I have no issue with SAHM, but their numbers are rapidly decreasing. Nothing ‘personal’ about it. Just a series of factual statements.

I cook (and ensure the fridge and cupboards are stocked for packed lunches, breakfast etc) do laundry (I do not iron!) and do day to day cleaning, I work pt, dp cleans the shower on Saturdays and vacuums as it's their cat who sheds everywhere

I was genuinely intrigued

when my two were young… I wasn’t feverishly talking away on multiple mumsnet threads for a prolonged period of time between 5.00-6.30

So you will want on to carnage in your lounge or… your DH is with them!

I am very entertained that you can write this, then accuse other posters of being ‘catty’, ‘biased’, getting ‘personal’ or being ‘mean’.

So, you telling women with equitable marriages that it’s inevitable to me that partners both doing that will grow apart and come to resent each other. It’s too much of the same thing and creates conflict is fine, in your head. But, somehow, pointing out that all evidence is to the contrary and that your behaviour is inconsistent with your claims is unacceptable.

The lack of self awareness is really quite impressive.

I'd say you're the only poster creating any negative conflict.

It's understandable to describe your SAHM status as successful for you, but surely you can see how stating that couples who share the household chore list are more likely to split up (without data/links) is just a bit daft? An equal, co-operative relationship is not one doomed to fail.

Equally, stating that a home is 'broken' purely because of a parental split is going to offend. Surely you realise on some level this is a ridiculous opinion and life just isn't as black and white as you think?

It does come across that you are perhaps a little naive, and overestimate your worldview as a given, rather than an anecdote, limited to your narrow circle of experience.

Well we’ve been married 15 years so far, still extremely happy so I’ll take my chances on that one! The fact that we have equal leisure time and no one is doing more than the other means no resentment, any my daughters won’t grow up thinking domestic chores are women’s work so I’m happy with our choices 👍

Even if you don’t agree it’s best for you, I still think both partners working the same and doing the same amount of tasks at home throws up so many challenges and compromises and results in conflict over arranging it all and the best way to do it

Ah you don’t have to worry pet, there’s no conflict about work or chores in our house.

We had a cleaner. My husband was really tidy - never left a sock on the floor, never left a dirty mug in the sink. He cooked (and cleaned as he cooked) the weekend meals. He took care of the financial admin, I took care of kids schedules/appointments etc.

@Lndnmummy I feel like I never sit down other than to work some days haha.

Yes there is that! I guess I meant that I never ever sit down to relax. We are on the go ALL the time. We are exhausted and miserable. Dh pulls his weight, neither of us are slacking but we are just done in. 🥺

@Lndnmummy I hope getting the cleaner in makes it better. I think once you get disheartened and tired it's hard to be happy really.

There's lots of good ideas on here so I'll be implementing some of those. Recently I just feel like I think about nothing else!

In all honesty I've never thought about this for myself and my partner ... We both just do what we can. He wouldn't be in another room watching the TV while I was slogging away in the kitchen and vice versa. We just help each other out when we can and what we both can do is always evolving. Some days I'm stressed with kids and need a rest day and sometimes he is exhausted from work and needs rest. Even though we have the same career and working hours every day is different and we just do our best.

Sorry if covered

but do you have children op?

results in conflict over arranging it all and the best way to do it

I really don't understand this. Or rather, I think I do and it's sad. Because basically, what you're saying is that if you both take on equal responsibilities one person will do it badly and annoy the other person. I'm a big fan of each person taking on whole tasks/responsibilities to avoid this - we're not debating every single task like shopping or cooking day in or day out. That would be ridiculous.

@knackerarmous I think Dh was anti a cleaner for a few reasons, some of which he doesn't even fully understand himself. One was money. One was that he believed that he was happy to do the cleaning (but he was delusional as he didn't do it, did it badly or took 4 hours to vacuum the house). And I think on some level, he fell into that trap a LOT of people do which is to think that using a cleaner is exploitative. Like cleaning is SOOOO demeaning that if you pay someone to do it you are a horrible person. I've never subscribed to that theory and never understood it. It's so weird. No one thinks the cleaners in hotels, schools, officers are demeaned so why are they in the home?

@SpaceOP Thank you for answering me. I think my DP's reasons are broadly the same, especially the delusional part. I will mention your point about hotels and other services. Some people who are very against getting a cleaner in their home still have no issue going to a hotel and sleeping on fresh sheets, eating a breakfast someone else has cooked and walking away from the table leaving their dirty plates. Obviously someone has to make all that happen and they need to be paid for it.

Also I think in his mind hiring a cleaner means me being sat on my arse like Lady Muck throwing insults and pennies at people skivvying for me. In reality I'd just divert that time to other things. I think some guys think of it like a live in or 9-5 thing rather than a couple of hours a week. The woman I would want to hire is very well known locally. She's bossy and sassy (but nice with it), I've used her shop before for cleaning clothes and curtains. She would 100% be telling me what she will do and for how much. I think what would be demeaning is to assume she can't command her own price and terms.