If both you and your partner work

[knackerarmous]

How do you divide up "housework"?

I know there are people on here who say they can clean a 17 bedroom mansion in 20 minutes but how long do you really spend cleaning in a day to get round everything? How often do you deep clean stuff?

My partner has taken the route of saying that since he cooks he only has to do a bit here and there. Everything he makes uses every utensil, pan and plate in the place. For me, something simple would do most days. I do cook but over lockdown he got this obsession with it and in his own words is "possessive" about it. On that basis it's a mix of something that needs doing and a hobby as well. I don't think he can see that. I did a roast dinner with all the trimmings the other day (which he somewhat ruefully admitted was very nice) and then the next day he was panicking about what lunch was going to be! There was loads left.

I feel quite resentful about this situation. We've discussed it and agreed to draw up a list of what needs doing and divide it between us. So, what do you think is fair?

If it makes a difference we are both self employed/wtf so we make a bit more mess during the day. I earn more than him but work less hours, which I think has caused him to think the house is my job.

We both work full time in very demanding jobs. We have a cleaner and somehow juggling food and cooking between us.

When the cleaner is on holidays each year; we come close to divorce 🤪

I do 99%
We have no kids and I wfh so have plenty of time. DP is self employed and leaves the house at 6am and gets home at 8/9pm. He also works Saturdays so I’m happy to take on all of the house stuff.
He’d absolutely do anything I asked him to but we get very little time together so I’d rather he not spend that doing chores.

Get a dishwasher.

It’s useful to have domains as it gives you total ownership over a task. If you’re both a bit involved with everything there will inevitably be mental load which will probably fall to you.
DH is in charge of dusting in this house.
I am in charge of bathrooms and hoovering upstairs (I’m PT so do a bit more)
I am in charge of meal planning and shopping (online)
DH does all garden and all bins
downstairs we know we Hoover and mop every Sunday
laundry is a hodgepodge, generally DH in charge but I will stick on a wash if I can see one needs doing. DH ensures a wash goes on every day but sometimes I will see it’s finished and hang it out
I either cook every day or I tell DH what to cook if I’m working
I do all kids and wider family and friends mental load
DH does all finance, dog and bills mental load
both clean kitchen after dinner and put Hoover round downstairs
we are a good team

But you guys should get a cleaner. Both working FT you can probably afford it. What’s the point of working hard if you don’t get some relief from drudge?

@DrinkFeckArseBrick That's kind of how I see it. At times I've washed up a huge load of stuff, he cooks and then after I have it all to do again. If I cook, I have to wash up. Once in a while that would be fine but day after day I've started to get a bit down about it. He thinks that's fair and even, I do not!

I think k that if he chooses to cooke and won't let you do it (my fh is a little bit like this too), then he has to do the kitchen and washing up.

If he's into proper cooking like a chef then tell him chefs have it drilled into them to keep their work stations clean and they also clean down the kitchen after every service. I used to work in some quite famous restaurants and chefs are really, really tidy when they reach Michelin star level.

He’s taking the absolute piss.

Similar situation, both mostly WFH similar hours and pay, no kids. We don’t have a formal split - day to day, I usually cook as I love it-but then he’d stack dishwasher, wash up and clean kitchen. I am quite a tidy cook. And usually make simple meals in the week. I usually sort laundry but he’ll hang out onc finished, and he loves hoovering!

Yikes typos!

*think
*cook
*dh

If he's cooking elaborate meals and using everything in the kitchen , ask him to wash up. You could always do something else in the time eg hoover or clean bathroom ?

Empty nest, both working. DH does more physical housework (laundry, ironing,between-cleaner cleaning, clearing up after dinner). I do food planning and all cooking, most life admin and all gardening. He is much more fixed on cleaning and tidying than I am (military) but we discussed it early on and he understands that to some extent how much he does is his choice, not necessity. Very amicable arrangement for the most part.

Ours is slightly different, I think. DP does more hours, so I do the bulk of the cleaning during the week, we share cooking and things like dog walks. I do the finance, he does the shopping and any travelling with DS (going to parties, dropping off to school.) During the weekends, he does any bits that might need doing apart from the washing up and I try and do a deep clean of the rooms once a month (This is an aim, might not actually happen)

DS is in charge of making sure his room is tidy, DP is the lounge and I am the other rooms.

@knackerarmous DP has higher standards than me for cleaning so I let him get on with it. He also has allergies so really notices if we don’t vacuum weekly. We did briefly employ a cleaner when I increased my hours a few years ago but they took ages to do a mediocre job.

Pre DC we split the cooking but he took over when I was breastfeeding DS from 5-7pm every evening non stop (or that’s what it felt like!) and it’s stayed that way. DP’s allergies also limit the food options.

I have been responsible for getting the kids to do jobs, all previously ‘mine’. DP does not have the patience to watch someone do a job badly or slowly! 😀

@FlamingoSocks He disagrees with getting a cleaner. I used to work as one for a few years when I was younger so I don't see the big deal. He thinks it's some massive class thing. Labour saving devices are probably the way forward!

That list is useful, thank you. We actually used to have ownership over different things but it slowly slipped. Part of my resentment is that I didn't sign up for this.

We split rooms. He has kitchen, dining, lounge. I do bedrooms/bathrooms. Its not rigid, last night Icleaned kitchen after dinner as he was playing a game with the kids that they were loving. But in general, thats how we do it.

I'm a strong believer in you cook, you clean. I really this like the "I cook, you clean" is total bs.
Only official assigned tasks is that I vacuum and he cleans the bathrooms. Others come and go. He usually does the laundry cause he runs out of clothes faster. I cook more cause he is a not a very creative cook. He does the shopping to compensate and does the lunches that do not require much cooking. I defo do more housework cause I'm more like clean as you go. Where are he is more of a "it's cleaning day so let's get it sorted". I also do a lot of the DIY and yard work. He is just so inefficient so I'll just do it and I kinda enjoy listening to my podcast. He in return feels bad about me doing more and does tea all the time and stands next to me awkwardly or goes to do some housework o or something. We have a system. It works while we are just the 2 of us.

I think we both probably do the same- maybe I do slightly more but I work 5 hours less a week. In general I cook, do dishes, do laundry, change beds, vacuum and he cleans up in the evening, hoovers and steam mops. We mostly keep on top of everything that way then have an hour running around dusting, doing bathrooms etc together at weekends. He'll also pick up the odd random job in the week as necessary and the gardening

When I read this:

My partner has taken the route of saying that since he cooks he only has to do a bit here and there.

I predicted this would follow:

Everything he makes uses every utensil, pan and plate in the place.

Do you usually clean up the utensils, pans and plates after he’s cooked?

In answer to your question - we both work Ft With a 3 year old but I still do the lion’s share of housework, laundry etc. he’s not the worst but it does often breed resentment and I’m exhausted (particularity as the nursery laundry pile seems colossal)

He ‘disagrees with getting a cleaner’, but also expects you to do most of the housework? And you’ve gone along with this?

Come on, now.

Cooking alone doesn't get close to a fair split.

By the sounds of it, his hobby cooking is creating 40 minutes clean up when a simple meal would be 15. Same goes for the cooking - he can't count 90 minutes of elaborate cooking as all chore when he could complete the task much faster and is choosing to indulge in his hobby.

In our house I cook so DH cleans the kitchen after a meal but we then still have all the other chores to split.

Washing about 50/50
Cleaning Bathrooms about 50/50
Meal planning/Food shopping - all me
Vacuuming/mopping - all DH
Dusting, cleaning windows - hahaha
Annual clean of Fridge/freezer/oven - erm...

By the sounds of it your DH is basing his calcs on the assumption that his time is more valuable than yours.

We have a robohoover and a cleaner, so we just do basic tidying up after ourselves. My husband is naturally tidier than me, as I genuinely don't see mess until it's awful, may be related to my ADHD.

Ah I see you DO clean up after he’s done his Michel Roux act. Could also have predicted that.

Do you have/plan to have children? Don’t have any before fixing this, otherwise I guarantee your resentment will go through the roof.

We have a cleaner, but in the week I do most tidying and hoovering and he does washing, ironing, cooking and shopping.
I also clean out the pets and do the garden. Dishwasher is generally shared.

When we have our week away in summer I pay our cleaner for 15 hours to do a deep clean over the week (she chooses how she splits the hours) and feeding our pets and this includes oven and fridge etc.

God, you are me with the cooking! DH also sees cooking as his “chore” but also enjoys it and makes an enormous mess doing it, it’s a big bone of contention sometimes - I’d also have more simpler meals by choice, though I do enjoy his food and having dinner made for me, so I generally bite my tongue about it.

I do more day to day stuff as I wfh most big the time and he is out of the house. So washing, hoovering, dusting etc I do but tbf it’s relatively easy for me to do around my work, ten mins here, ten mins there. Where I get annoyed is that somehow his taking care of the bills (appreciated, he has a good eye for finances and spends time getting us good deals) somehow equates to the more daily slog of the mental load relating to the kids. I definitely am the only one dealing with all the practicalities of clubs and childcare timings and all of that, which is getting more as the kids get older.

The last time we had a big fight about this, a few years ago, I ended up writing down every day what I’d done around the house and he did accept I did a lot more and stepped up with the little daily tasks when he was in the house.

Sometimes I do think it’s a pick your battles argument. I get mildly annoyed being the only one who notices the hoover needs running around BUT I accept I do have more ability to do it as I’m wfh and generally don’t mind a quick break from my desk, and have decided not to get too annoyed by it. I’m sure there’s plenty I do or don’t do that frustrates DH too, and I know he doesn’t see me as his skivvy or supports my career like I support his.

Generally I do all of it because I want to. DH will clean the bathroom maybe on a Saturday morning but he doesn’t Hoover properly and doesn’t agree with deep cleaning, which to me just means wiping the dust off the skirtings which I do weekly anyway.

Probably not very helpful!

i spend an hour to two hours per day just doing surface stuff , like putting the kitchen back together or putting a washload on. Then will spend 3/4 hours on top of that doing bathrooms, ‘deep cleaning’ etc.

robot Hoover does upstairs but once I month I do it myself because it’s not as strong for obvious reasons.