If both you and your partner work

[knackerarmous]

How do you divide up "housework"?

I know there are people on here who say they can clean a 17 bedroom mansion in 20 minutes but how long do you really spend cleaning in a day to get round everything? How often do you deep clean stuff?

My partner has taken the route of saying that since he cooks he only has to do a bit here and there. Everything he makes uses every utensil, pan and plate in the place. For me, something simple would do most days. I do cook but over lockdown he got this obsession with it and in his own words is "possessive" about it. On that basis it's a mix of something that needs doing and a hobby as well. I don't think he can see that. I did a roast dinner with all the trimmings the other day (which he somewhat ruefully admitted was very nice) and then the next day he was panicking about what lunch was going to be! There was loads left.

I feel quite resentful about this situation. We've discussed it and agreed to draw up a list of what needs doing and divide it between us. So, what do you think is fair?

If it makes a difference we are both self employed/wtf so we make a bit more mess during the day. I earn more than him but work less hours, which I think has caused him to think the house is my job.

@FinallyHere

I think it’s natural. I don’t subscribe to all humans regardless of gender being a blank slate and gender is simply caused by socialisation. Men and women are naturally different, just like every other primate species (or mammal species or any species really)

We just have more talent for the home and things to do with children in general. It will never change.
I mean it’s lovely that now some more femininely minded men get a chance to do more home making in their spare time and look after kids more and some women more inclined to the male way can work harder, but it’s not really natural for the majority imo

Jesus wept.
If you’re actually serious, you should be ashamed of yourself.

He washes the dishes (puts them in a dishwasher and clean ones into cupboards), feeds our pets, hoovers, takes the trash out and keeps his things in order. I cook, do the laundry (including folding and putting away), tidy common areas and DDs room, handle all DD and pets related admin as well as grocery shopping. We have a cleaner who cleans bathrooms, wipes floors, dusts and does 1 set of windows every week.

Probably same sort of stuff as MNetty "life admin" aka sorting out car insurance deal once a year, and fixing the mortgage once every 5-10 years 😜If my husband worked less hours, no effing way he'd get away with car admin 😂

I would switch to each of you cooking on alternate nights, and make it so the person who cooks, clears up. Him cooking (which is the most fun, creative 'chore'!); messing up the kitchen, and then leaving all the dishes/kitchen cleaning to you every night is unacceptable. He needs to get over his possessiveness around cooking (and develop some around kitchen clearing up).

I do most of it. I prefer it that way. I know it comes up often with mixed views but following TOMM (The Organised Mum Method) really did transform the way I do housework.

I must be an unnatural female then, as I have no innate talent for housework.

@Anonomous12 I'll have a look at that, thanks! I do agree that my work hours should equate to more domestic stuff, that's kind of how this situation started. I just think, now, it's gone too far the other way. Also I feel like I'm tasked with cleaning up after a hobby. I tried to be supportive of his interest in cooking, even though it was more expense and work (for me, if he wants to do it fair enough) than I think is reasonable day to day, partially because lockdown was shit and everyone needed some slack. It's just continued unaddressed until now really.

haha. Me too.

Such a weird batshit post.

Also, I don't think the issue of "boy" vs "girl" jobs is relevant so much as being in a proper partnership. But it's amazing to me how often we're expected to maintain "traditional" roles in the home while women are ALSO doing "non traditional" roles outside the home. And at the same time, men seem to be doing less of the "traditional" male parenting thing - when I was growing up in a fairy "old school traditional environment", it was the dads who did all the carting around to sports activities, volunteered to help with cubs/scouts/rugby/other sport type things, the vast bulk of the late night fetching/carrying; any home jobs that involved any real strength/effort (DIY, heavy gardening, bins, spider removal, other disgusting jobs) etc etc.

Instead, now, we get posters who seem to think "traditional" and "natural" means women do everything and men only need to work. Such bollocks.

If DH worked full time and I was a SAHM then I'd also do the bulk of the household and childcare chores but I'd expect DH to still be present and parenting etc.

@WaddleAway Oh Christ me too, I must not be like all the other girls 😂 I fucking hate house work with a passion and I'm certainly no better at it than my DH

your just going to make yourself suffer as a woman if your thinking domestic chores will ever be done equally (or even that close to it). It’s just not natural.

I despair for the sons and daughters of people with views as batshit as this.

OP, if you are resentful of a selfish lazy man now, you would be absolutely mad to allow this to continue.

First off, he who cooks cleans up too.

Divide up the days and cook some days.

He is taking the piss.
I would hare to be facing his cooking mess EVERY day.

I would prefer a toastie or soup.

I think that there is conflict so early in this relationship should be a huge red flag for you.

Would you like children?

Because if he's not pulling his weight now, he will likely get only worse.

your just going to make yourself suffer as a woman if your thinking domestic chores will ever be done equally (or even that close to it). It’s just not natural

They’re done equally in my house 👍. We work equal hours, so domestic chores are shared equally too. Equal leisure time. Better tell DH that he’s not a ‘natural’ man, and I’m not a ‘natural’ woman!

DH does:
Weekly food shop
Vacuums downstairs every day
All recycling/puts bins out
All his own washing/ironing
5% of the cooking
50% washing up

I do:
95% of the cooking
50% washing up
Deep clean house once a week
All my own washing/ironing

He works 40 hours a week, I work 30 hours and it feels a great balance for us!

DH does nearly all of the cooking, washing up, some cleaning (eg. will run the hoover round)

I do nearly all the laundry, shopping, planning, more of the (non kitchen) cleaning

We are pretty equal childcare wise, he does shifts so does more school pickups and drop offs, I do more weekend stuff.

@MerculesHorse I have done that sometimes (at the same time) but I tend to get up earlier than him and as I'm having a brew and getting started for the day I'll do some washing up/tidying/bins. I do most laundry so in the morning I'll sort that. I kind of do odd jobs during the day whenever I have a break from working.

I get what you're saying though.

I must be an unnatural female then, as I have no innate talent for housework.

Glad to hear it, @WaddleAway

My parents had a very traditional marriage which I decided early on was not for me. I am absolutely sure that I am a woman but have no desire to demonstrate any superior ability to do boring, repetitive but necessary tasks.

Quite the reverse, I am proud to be the kind of woman who holds men to a standard which insists on a fair division of household tasks.

I was not put on this earth to share my life and my house with someone who imagines that it is fair to use a lavatory and never to clean it, to assume that someone else would clean it.

I scoff, yes scoff at the idea that I am somehow more fitted to clean than a man. I never made any secret of these beliefs and know of no one in my circle of friends and associates who would ever even try to justify it.

They would be laughed at and rightly so.

You don't have children right? In which case, I'd be a bit concerned that you're already in this default position of you doing more.

As the regular cook in our family, it's definitely something I enjoy up to a point and therefore an easier chore for me. But I do all the cleaning up, also the shopping and meal planning too. I don't just swan in to rustle up some lovely meal then retire to the couch.

Also, on no planet is cooking every day equal to 50% of the household tasks.

Finally - he doesn't want a cleaner? hahahahaha. He can then either step up, or suck it up. My cleaner comes once a fortnight for 5 hours. DH was resistant. But the 5 hours she does are ALL cleaning that otherwise I would have to do because DH just wouldn't. As it is, those 5 hours mean that I'm probably still doing slightly more than DH overall, and I'm definitely living in house that's often less clean than I'd like (ie the second week), but it's manageable.

@SpaceOP What was your DH's objection to a cleaner if you don't mind me asking?

@Bubblesandsqueak1 I'm fine with washing dishes but not this many.

Also I don't think me cooking separate meals and making more work would suddenly make him clean up. Don't really follow that.

@Realtalk2022 That all makes a lot of sense. We've had a talk today and he's said he'll do more around the house to even out the balance. So, we'll see how that goes!

@luxxlisbon

I am the kind of silent majority

@WaddleAway

Just my opinion. Couples who both take on equal share in all roles are far more likely to split up and create a broken home for their children as they’re always stepping on each other’s toes and having to organise and re organise. Far easier and less stressful to have separate domains and roles.

@PollyZo

put of pure nosiness - what’s your situation and how old are you?

@Oddieconvert

I’m 29 and don’t know what you mean by situation?