If both you and your partner work

[knackerarmous]

How do you divide up "housework"?

I know there are people on here who say they can clean a 17 bedroom mansion in 20 minutes but how long do you really spend cleaning in a day to get round everything? How often do you deep clean stuff?

My partner has taken the route of saying that since he cooks he only has to do a bit here and there. Everything he makes uses every utensil, pan and plate in the place. For me, something simple would do most days. I do cook but over lockdown he got this obsession with it and in his own words is "possessive" about it. On that basis it's a mix of something that needs doing and a hobby as well. I don't think he can see that. I did a roast dinner with all the trimmings the other day (which he somewhat ruefully admitted was very nice) and then the next day he was panicking about what lunch was going to be! There was loads left.

I feel quite resentful about this situation. We've discussed it and agreed to draw up a list of what needs doing and divide it between us. So, what do you think is fair?

If it makes a difference we are both self employed/wtf so we make a bit more mess during the day. I earn more than him but work less hours, which I think has caused him to think the house is my job.

We got a cleaner because the division of labour arguments were becoming too much - she does 2.5 hrs a week. I accept that I 'see' mess and clutter more than my OH so I am happy with doing slightly more work, a pristine house just isn't a priority for him so it's unfair to hold him to my standards. we do have a rule that whoever cooks, the other cleans the kitchen, and then I take care of all laundry because he's terrible at it. He does all outside stuff, lawn mowing and gardening, and bins and cars, and also walks the dog 90% of the time. It largely works for us!

I think we have quite a good split.
I do most of the shopping as DP doesn't drive. DP does most of cooking as I'm crap at it. I usually wash up.
I 'tidy' more and do all of the admin type stuff, decluttering etc but I do work a bit less than him. We both put loads of washing on. He hoover's and mops more than me, I clean the bathroom more.

I once put this typo in my work calendar by accident! “RandomCatGenerator WTF”, sent to my whole team. Only noticed when someone pointed it out…

So we have a cleaner and have had for most of our marriage. Honestly she’s an investment in our relationship happiness. When I was on mat leave and we couldnt afford a cleaner, i fretted about housework all the time because I was at home not working but I was also constantly focused on the baby and also had PND - and it got in the way of our relationship, not because DH made me feel guilty but because we were both miserable.

At the weekends the last thing I want to do is clean. DH is the same. We want to spend time together and with DS and we’re lucky to have the money to be able to do that.

in terms of the everyday maintenance stuff: in general, we split cooking about 50:50 and whoever cooks also washes their stuff up. This means if you use every pot and pan the other person doesn’t suffer for it. When one person is coming, the other person is sort of expected to be sorting other stuff out so that it’s fair - laundry, tidying, sorting DS’ clothes and toys out. Means it doesn’t always feel like one person is getting down time while the other is doing the hard work.

we split some jobs by preference. So for example on childcare rather than cleaning - DH sleeps like the dead so doesn’t hear DS when he needs comforting at night; I hate getting up in the early morning with DS as I’m a night owl and often don’t get to sleep until very late. So we split that stuff by preference and sometimes switch things up ro give the other a break - so this morning I gave DH a lie in.

it doesn’t work perfectly and it’s not a perfect system but works for us.

So he picks the thing that he enjoys and that’s what he does. That’s hardly fair. Especially if he expects you to wash up. I’d tell him to jog on with that idea. Chores aren’t about choosing the things you like and expecting the other person to pick up the rest.

I heard a good phrase once - “Don’t let roommate issues become marriage issues.”

For me the starting point is, don’t make a mess in the first place.

So things like laundry - it goes in the basket immediately.
His ridiculous show-cooking - he cleans up.
When you have a shower - squeegee wipe down the screen at the end.
Bin is full? - empty it

That should only leave the cleaning that builds up more gradually - like vacuuming and dusting.

In your case, I’d start with the obvious - just refuse to clean up after his cooking, beyond perhaps offering to do the final dishes, literally what it’s been served on. And if he’s using 20 dishes on the table to display his vegetable - tell him he’s on his own for those. You simply have to hardball: he clears up or he only cooks half the time.

Well, it sounds like a nice catch phrase. But how does it help? Is Mr Chef going to have an epiphany over it and start cleaning up after his hobby cooking? It is a marriage issue, because it’s about fairness and respect.

I’m always really happy to do cooking and shopping/ meal planning, but hate clearing up, tidying, cleaning etc

I have to do all of them because I’m single (with kids), but would be suspicious of anyone trying to take cooking and shopping as those are by far the more pleasant tasks.

I also eliminated “doing the bins” as a task by taking things out as I go along (so emptying the pedal bin when needed obviously, but taking recycling out every day, and keeping bins at the end of my very short “drive”). Works for me!

Our split - which we discussed at length before we moved in together and regularly since is:

Food

Meal planning and food order - me
Cooking - whoever is ready first after work and putting kids to bed
Cleaning up after dinner - whoever didn't cook

Laundry

Mine and DS2 - me
His and DS1 - him

Garden

Planting - me
Pruning and lawn - him

Bins - him

Getting someone in to fix things (we don't do DIY) - usually him

Tidying/decluttering - usually me

Cleaning - the cleaner

The only slight resentment I have is that DH is a messy cook who doesn't multitask so cleaning up after he has cooked is much more work than I leave him - he will stand around on his phone while something simmers, I will start loading the dishwasher... But I deal with this by trying to get down first and cook 😀

I do the bulk of it, only because I can't be bothered to nag, cajole and nitpick for him to do things. However I've stopped doing his laundry/ironing as that was making me very resentful and I refuse to touch the garden as he does so little in the house. I like things to be clean/tidy so it doesn't really bother me - I've had a few times where I've let it build up but it just makes me antsy. And we now have a cleaner once a week on a Friday so I don't spend the weekend doing it all.

DH does the following
90% of cooking
All grocery shopping (he does this while he brings DC to after school activities of which he does most days)

I do…
All the laundry
Cleaning the house etc but dh will take part too.
Dinner or dinner prep whilst they are at Activities.

All other stuff like paying childcare, sorting insurances we just tag team…
BUT…I am in the middle of a degree so I study a lot and although we work the same hours DH can work from home so that means he can collect dc on time to bring them to said activities most days (…which is why he does the grocery shopping) I then get home and tidy the house, possibly light fire and prep dinner/make dinner for when they get back.

My DH does all the cooking, and all the washing up after (and tidying the kitchen etc). The kitchen is his domain. The reason for this is that he is a really, really messy cook and it was driving me mad having to spend so long cleaning up his mess when a) he loves cooking and sees it as his ‘leisure’ time and b) he makes no attempt to tidy up as he goes along so the kitchen is a fucking bomb site afterwards.
I do most of the other housework (we both work from home so similar time ‘free’ to do it), except bins and lawn mowing.

Oh he does the online shopping order too as he’s the one cooking.

I share house with adult DS rather than DP
we both work full time
each do own washing, ironing and own bedroom
DS dusts, vacuums, cleans bathrooms, sorts rubbish and recycling
I clean kitchen and dining room and do garden
If we are both in to eat (3-4 nights) we cook together or I cook as I enjoy it
DS will cook for me if I’m late in, busy or too tired
I never understand the whole mess whilst cooking thing - I’ve always taught DC from being young - to clean as they go and we don’t have set rules for who washes up and tidies kitchen after meal prep so if you make a mess you will probably be the one to clean up

Write down a list of all tasks (including laundry; sorting and putting away, the actual laundry bit just involves pushing a button on a machine), then cleaning, buying food, cooking food, washing up after cooking and putting away. Washing floors, vacuuming, cleaning the toilet/bath etc. Bins/recycling/garden?Then split it in half!

having a sink side full of stuff every day rankles me a bit Gross. Just wash it up! Doesn't it stink?

I end up doing most things as I work from home most of the time. My boyfriend does anything outside (cutting grass, tidying up, weeding, cleaning the car etc) but I do most things inside, including hoovering every day and general tidying every day, all the washing, cooking, deep cleaning the house (2 bed) once a week and any other random bits. That split works well for us.

We have a cleaner once a week, which helps.

Day to day I do laundry, he cooks. After dinner I tend to load the dishwasher while he washes anything that can't go in it.

I tend to take more of the mental load with school admin, etc for our daughter. He tends to deal with tradesmen if something needs sorting out.

The only outside job I do is the bins which I don’t mind!

We both work ft and have two kids under 10. We don't have a list as such, but we both have a "get shit done" attitude.

So once work finishes (I wfh but finish later than dh gets in from work), we both just crack on. Dishes, laundry, tidy the living room, bins, meals made, kids bathed and read to etc, then when the kids go to bed we both rest.

Weekends we take turns to have a lie in while the other one spends time with the kids, then we usually head out together for the rest of the day.

One of us will go do a big shop sat or Sun, or at least buy a few dinners worth and the packed lunch stuff, then dh does a drop in shop once or twice a week on his way home from work.

We don't argue about housework but that's because we both are able to see what needs doing and just do it.

We both work full time. I work longer hours and do shift work/weekends, he wfh no weekends and flexi hours. He does all the cooking/food shop, bins. I do the laundry, keeping the bedroom tidy, deep cleans and whatever jobs need doing in general. The nature of my job means I’m often exhausted after work and I still have part time studies to do alongside it for a course I’ve been put through which is also very full on.

We’re yet to find the balance as I find having a messy home stressful so will often come in from work and find the kitchen piled up with everything that he’s used that day as he’s just gone straight back to work so I will then feel the need to start cleaning the mess. He has started to get better and clearing some stuff up before I get in, I just wish we could afford a cleaner to remove some of the stress.

He can disagree with a cleaner if he will do the cleaning himself; otherwise you should get one

We both work full-time; husband does more of the washing than me, I do more of the cooking but we have a cleaner every week for all the other jobs

We have certain things we favour. I do all the laundry, he does all the ironing. We both cook. As for the rest, we both get stuck in. There isn't anything structured, but there's never an instance when one of us is sitting on their backside while the other one is stuck into domestic chores

Sounds like he has the perfect arrangement for him there. He enjoys cooking so spends and hour or two doing his hobby each evening and then has staff to wash his pots for him...

We have fallen into a routine of :
Dh cooks, washes up after dinner a few nights of the week, he tidies the kitchen at the weekend and deal with the bins and cat litter tray., washes his own work clothes.
I wash up after dinner the other nights, wipe clean the kitchen every morning, deal with washings and clean and hoover living room, hall, our bedroom and bathroom at the weekend,

i have only been working full time for the last 2 years and so his responsibilities have gradually got more as I don’t have time to do as much as what I did when I was a SAHM.

We caved and got a cleaner. Makes a big difference.

But outside of that, I do 95% of the cooking, shopping, making lunches.

He does the washing and hanging out. I do most of the putting away.

He does garden/car stuff and the bins.

We mostly play to our strengths and that works for us.