If both you and your partner work

[knackerarmous]

How do you divide up "housework"?

I know there are people on here who say they can clean a 17 bedroom mansion in 20 minutes but how long do you really spend cleaning in a day to get round everything? How often do you deep clean stuff?

My partner has taken the route of saying that since he cooks he only has to do a bit here and there. Everything he makes uses every utensil, pan and plate in the place. For me, something simple would do most days. I do cook but over lockdown he got this obsession with it and in his own words is "possessive" about it. On that basis it's a mix of something that needs doing and a hobby as well. I don't think he can see that. I did a roast dinner with all the trimmings the other day (which he somewhat ruefully admitted was very nice) and then the next day he was panicking about what lunch was going to be! There was loads left.

I feel quite resentful about this situation. We've discussed it and agreed to draw up a list of what needs doing and divide it between us. So, what do you think is fair?

If it makes a difference we are both self employed/wtf so we make a bit more mess during the day. I earn more than him but work less hours, which I think has caused him to think the house is my job.

dh is in charge of his own breakfast and lunch (including buying or putting on the shopping list and clearing up) I do everything else food related: shopping cooking, clearing up. both of us empty the dishwasher.

dh does the laundry, but he doesn't hang it outside, so if it's a nice day I do that. Neither of us iron anything

We have a cleaner once a week who also changes the beds, so it's only little bits of tidying and cleaning on a daily basis.

dh does the bins / recycling and most of the gardening. He washes the cars. dh does 'stuff in the garage' but I've no idea what - probably things to do with his bike.

I do shared paperwork / banks etc.

I give him additional one-off tasks to do (arrange to get a window replaced, get electrician in etc).

I see I have a rather cushy life and I only do the things I like doing

We generally share stuff equally overall, including dealing with DC.

However, quite often DH will offer to clean the flat at the weekend if I take out DC. I haven’t asked but I think he prefers that split (whereas I feel like poisoning myself if I have too many Saturdays cleaning loos) so it works for us. It takes him about 2.5h to clean the whole place (bathrooms, kitchen, hoovering and dusting), doing a very good job.

Otherwise, I do more thinking and planning ahead child-related tasks (sorting old clothes, buying presents for other kids) and he does more practical stuff (renewing travel insurance and researching flights).

I think if both partners work, and you can afford it, then hire a professional cleaner. So many arguments avoided.

My DH does 90% of the cooking. He also does all the shopping and most of the dishwasher and keeps the kitchen clean / tidy. Essentially, he takes on most of the jobs around food/cooking as well.

I don't think we've got it perfect yet but we generally try to make sure we do a bit as we go and that neither of us are sitting down chilling while the other does the whole house. Could you do the laundry while he cooks or something to show it's a similar amount of time?

I do the most - hands down.
He will cook and clean up the kitchen- when he’s here! He works 5 days a week and then has a paying hobby 2 days a week. So that’s his week gone really.
He will do a wash here and there.
All the DIY and mow the lawn- but that’s seasonal.
I do everything else, clean toilet, sink, bath tub, vacuum, mop hallway and kitchen out every day. Tidy things (toys) in the evening.

Washing and ironing Sunday morning.

Deep clean so polishing, moving furniture around to clean, inside windows, depends- sometimes I’ll stay up doing it when DD goes to bed and DH is in the cellar (man cave). Wiping stairs down, lamps, lights, changing beds, once a week. Deep clean bathroom once a week. I don’t watch tv though- well not much. Don’t watch any soaps.
It’s not often I attack in one go to be honest. I did it recently and spent 13 hours cleaning, stopping to eat lunch and use the loo- had to take advantage of a totally empty house. I hosed from front to back and swept up too. It stayed looking nice for about a day 😤🤣. I can keep on top of it now though, we put up loads of Christmas decs so I will NOT polish anything during December lol.

DH is a teacher and I have a mon-Fri 9-5 WFH office job.

We split housework 70/30 (me doing the 70%) during term time. This seems fair as he works more hours than me, and his 30% includes the lawn (which I hate) and a chunk of the 'big clean' we do on a weekend. Plus my 70% includes the little things I do while WFH like dishwasher and laundry and cooking tea.

During school holidays we even it out because DH is off and I'm usually still working. Then the split changes to probably 85/15 (DH doing the 85%) and includes cooking and walking ddog.

Deep cleaning is usually done by me because I swear it doesn't even enter DHs head but I figure it's fair as DH does all the car stuff, including cleaning them inside and out and does most of our admin and holiday planning / booking.

In your shoes I'd either push to share the cooking or instigate the rule that whoever cooks also has to clean the kitchen that day. Plus cooking is less than 5% of the work taken to run a house so he definitely needs to step up and do more!

Yes that was my ex. 5 pots, food splattered all over the hob, oven, splash-back, floor etc. I eventually said to him, when you cook, I'll clear the table and pack the dishwasher but you wash the pots and pans and wipe down all the surfaces including the floor.
He really didn't like it.

We each clean up after ourselves and whoever is wfh will stick a washing in and do a quick hoover.

Weekends will be a deeper clean with one doing upstairs and one doing downstairs. Probably takes about an hour or so for each of us

We also batch cook a lot (check out the batch lady on Instagram - she has changed my life!!) so no rushing to cook in the evening with the inevitable mess that brings

We both work and I do more. We have different priorities which is the sticking point in our house!

DP thinks that she does a lot on underappreciated work as she keeps on top of wiping the table, making sure the kitchen is clean between meals, ensuring there's not toys everywhere. In contrast I think that leaving the clean up from lunch until sorting out tea is fine, as there's that inevitable bit of time while the water is boiling or the oven heating up. We have a dishwasher so it's not a big job, and a door on the kitchen so she's not constantly looking at mess! Likewise it doesn't bother me that there's cars on 4 different surfaces rather than all on the play table, because I always do a sort out at the end of the day when DS is in the bath.

I do all the cooking, which I don't mind as she hates it. I also keep on top of cleaning as I go if it's a big meal. What frustrates me is that she doesn't appreciate all the time that goes into being in charge of the cooking that extends beyond the actual time spent in the kitchen - meal planning, keeping track of what's about to go off and what random ingredients we're about to run out of, doing the shopping list even if not actually the food shop.

I find the "bigger tasks" like cleaning the bathroom, laundry etc. are easier to split equally as they are obvious, have to be done and both people know how long they take. It's the little niggling ones that really seem to lead to arguments.

I have a rota list which includes general weekly items to be cleaned and then in that list is a deep clean task or two.

For example

Monday bathrooms cleaned, lounge and bedrooms dusted
Tuesday bedroom sheets stripped and made, hoover downstairs
Wednesday kitchen cleaned, laundry
Thursday hoover upstairs, ironing
Friday all mirrors polished, deep cleaning task (tiles in bathroom or tiles in kitchen, kitchen cabinets cleared out and sorted)
Saturday grass mowed, bushes pruned, leaves raked

Splitting it up over the course of the week mens that the jobs aren't going to take up a lot of time and some can be done in less than 20 minutes. Two jobs mostly so one job each.

We share cooking as its an every day task, but we enjoy cooking so very different and not domestic cleaning task.

If we cook we wash up so that if you use every dish and plate you have that task

I'm a sahm but had to comment because my DH does the same when he cooks on the weekends. The kitchen always looks like a bombsite when he's done and I have to do the cleaning up because he's done the cooking. Guess who does the cooking AND the cleaning up during the week? 🙄

I've taken to quickly pouring the last glass of wine for myself and and offering to swap it with him for the kitchen clean up. Works like a charm.

And you fit all this in around work? Do you work ft?

Oh and I should have mentioned above that we don’t argue over housework. We know we’re both busy with work and kids and that outside of that we’re both keeping things ticking over as best as possible.
Except when he puts his dirty clothes on top of the laundry basket instead of inside.

I cook dh washes if he cooks I wash dishes, he does washing i clean bathroom he hoovers I strip beds dust ect, both do gardening I do all admin shopping ect we split school runs I also work 2 jobs you just get on with it if you don't want to wash dishes don't eT what he makes and he can clean up

During the week DH usually does the cooking and makes the lunches for the next day. While dinners cooking he’ll empty the dishwasher and the bins. Whilst he does that I do the ironing, sort out washing etc and clean the log burner. After dinner he’ll load the dishwasher while I wipe down the worktops etc. The robo vac does the floors while we are at work. I keep a pack of floor wipes in the bathroom to just wipe round the sink each evening before bed, and then the toilet. The shower gets sprayed with shower spray every use and that it for weekday housework. On a weekend one does the upstairs, the other downstairs, then we swap the week after.

@CoraggioCara This is my issue really. I think the elaborate cooking is a choice and while I would still pick up here and there sort of automatically he's using it as a get out clause for everything else. The bits and bobs he does do are because I insist on them but it's become an issue now.

@DoYouKnowTheBishopOfNorwich Yes it is chef style cooking but nothing is getting wiped down!

We share cleaning the kitchen and the downstairs kids play area. One of us puts the kids to bed while the other cleans up after tea and the kids. Then we alternate every day. DH cooks more than me and does the bins and dishwasher. I do the majority of the housework, but I work 3 days while he does 5 so it seems fair. We share the laundry though he probably washes more, and I put it away more, so it evens out. I am going to 5 days when my youngest starts school so I will expect him to do a bit more of the heavy cleaning as I will still be doing the school runs, but he is very good if I ask him to help me, he will.

So better to just chuck food away then? Some people are weird 😂.
As I said above DH cooks and cleans the kitchen. That’s because he’s an unnecessarily messy cook, and he loves cooking. So he would spend an hour in the kitchen with his earphones in listening to podcasts while doing what is essentially his hobby, leaving destruction in his wake, and id have to then spend an hour cleaning it up. No thank you. So he does both. Knowing he has to clean up after himself means he makes less mess while cooking.

Dishwasher definitely saved my relationship! I use cooking to de-stress and do use more pans etc than I should. I always empty the dishwasher while I'm cooking then DH stacks it after we eat (he is better at stacking it properly than I am)

Other than that, DH does more cleaning but I do more life admin and looking after DC. we both work full time. We argue about it occasionally but mostly it works.

@WaddleAway I never said to throw food away at all just op not to eat it and make her own and he can clean his own mess he can easy keep left over in fridge for his lunches or freeze it down ect

There is a really good book that I have read called Fair play. I have included a link below as I honestly think it's amazing. There is also an instagram account that you could have a look at called thatdarnchat.
www.forbes.com/sites/njgoldston/2019/12/19/fair-play-a-game-changing-solution-for-when-you-have-too-much-to-do/
YANBU to be frustrated but I also don't think all of his ideas are unreasonable either e.g. that if you work fewer hours its reasonable that you pick up a bit more of the mental/physical load around the house. However, the tasks seem to be divided to his favour (the things he prefers to do) which is fine as long as you get to have your preferences accounted for as well.

Wouldn't it be easier if the person who cooks also washes up?
then the cook can use as much equipment as they like because they wash it themselves?

Blimey @Suzi888 13 hours! I don't think I'm very domestically gifted really but I do try and get round everything.

I'm wondering how often do people clean things like fridges?

Whoever cook, cleans up. M

If I were you, I’d make the kitchen solely his domain. He meal plans, shops, cooks and cleans up after, including wiping it all down hygienically. If he doesn’t want to deep clean the kitchen properly, renegotiate the cleaner.

In return, do all the laundry, dusting, floors and bathrooms.