AIBU about DH, lazy in the mornings?

[Calmoutside]

DH wfh, when our DS wakes I go to him and just chill with CBeebies for a while until I shower and dress and get ready, then get DS washed and ready. We leave the house at just gone 7.

DH is generally in bed until about 645, he will sit with DS while I dry my hair if it’s a hair wash day.

He then gets nearly two hours to chill as work doesn’t start till 9.

Its clearly really unfair but not sure how to improve it without being petty and ‘well I’m up so you have to be up to’ territory.

I think as well as needing the overall picture, it’s relevant to peoples personalities/natural clocks.
DH is a lark and I’m very much an owl.
So on weekends he will be the one up doing the fry up etc.
Whereas I’m much more productive later, and will be doing housework/washing etc later on in the evening, so it balances out.
It did use to frustrate him though, because he couldn’t understand why I’d start doing things once the kids were in bed, as he viewed that as downtime, whereas it was natural for me as I’m not really with it in the mornings, and am much more productive in the evenings.
which meant I’d do jobs quicker/more efficiently than if I’d done them first thing.

I know that’s not really what the OP is about, but I just think it’s interesting, especially with posters commenting things like ‘make him get up to do some chores’ What’s the point?
By all means, get him to do chores, by why dictate the time he does them?

Why are people ganging up on this poster? I really don’t understand what she has done to deserve this.

By all means, get him to do chores, by why dictate the time he does them?

I wasn't suggesting dictating when he does them but that as he had more downtime, he should do more, exactly when he chose to do it would be his call.

I think you just need to be honest about the situation, do you feel like your DH is lazy generally?
Or is it that it particularly these mornings that have you feeling resentful, as you’re doing things while he gets to relax?

If the latter, can you not try to make it a bit more equitable, so that the days you’re not travelling to work DH gets up and does the morning routine and you get to chill for a few hours?

Or is it that because DC is in the house it’s not the same ‘relaxing’?

I think people are just trying to figure out the root cause.

Then everyone giving their view is a totally wasting their time as it is impossible to say whether yabu or not without knowing who does what during the whole day and on other days.

I suspect you don't want to say as you won't like the responses.

I wasn’t referring to you then, there were posters who had said he needs to get up a do chores to make it more equal.

No one I can see is "ganging up", virtually all the PP's are trying to help but without all the relevant info it's utterly impossible.

It's not nice to witness, is it?

OP, your husband should, at the very least, take it in turns to get up when your son does. There's no reason why your husband can't get your son ready while you get ready.

Or alternatively, he could do it on the days OP isn’t working? Or he could do the evening routine on those days?
It doesn’t have to be everything 50/50 splits as long as it is equitable overall

I think you've been given a hard time on here and please don't assume there is anything wrong with you.
Is there any way that your dh can change his hours so that he starts when you leave the house and finishes closer to your finish time? That might mean a more equal balance for you both - he will get to see his child more after work and you can have some down time too. Would also be really useful once your child starts school. Totally understand that it might not be possible though.
Otherwise I think it's about having equal time to yourselves. When I was on maternity leave I used to hand our children over to their dad as soon as he got home and just go for a walk/run/shower for an hour. It was a lifesaver some days. You are allowed to suggest something to give you time out too!

Surely you understand why people are asking you the questions they are? Why are you being so evasive?

Who does dinner, bath and bedtime?
What does your DH do on the 2 mornings DS isnt in nursery? What happens on weekends?

OP, what you could do (privately, off this thread) is to think to yourself, What answers did I hope to get when starting this thread?

The ones you got didn’t help, perhaps because you seem to be actually OK - if your later responses are to be believed - with unequal days in parenting/life. You say actually it doesn’t need a solution.

Yet you started the thread saying it was ‘clearly really unfair’ but that you were unsure how to make it fair aka asking for a solution.

You’re really quick to believe you’re an ‘awkward, difficult person’ and it must be your fault. But this isn’t clear from the thread at all, not really - we don’t know why you don’t want to answer stuff, we can only speculate.

I suspect somewhere in there is a core belief that you’re not worthy of help. So you don’t ask your DH for what’s fair because you fundamentally don’t believe you’re allowed to ask, maybe? Maybe this is a repeating pattern and so if at work you’re having issues communicating it’s because you’re asking for the wrong thing or not asking? No idea really, but if you can reflect on why you started the thread and what solutions/responses might have helped you, you might unravel something.

Anyway, like I say, I wish you all the best. Don’t take things on MN (which are by nature partial insight) to heart. Including this post, if you’d prefer to ignore it!

This is such a weird thread.

OP, you created the thread and asked for advice. Multiple people asked the same (straightforward, obvious, non-invasive) follow up questions. You didn’t want to answer, then fixated on someone (one person) calling you ‘obtuse’ and another calling you ‘defensive’ for not answering. You still didn’t answer and now appear to have gone into some sort of self pitying ‘woe is me, I’m so awful’ spiral about absolutely nothing.

Pull yourself together.

I think OP just doesn't want to be doing it all herself in the morning, but realises it's only like this because of their specific circumstances, rather than it being because he's a lazy shit.

I’m sorry OP I didn’t mean to upset you. You’re not the problem in the scenario that you’ve described and it’s really sad that you said you don’t want your child to grow up like you. I’m sure you’ve got loads of lovely qualities and you obviously do so much for your son. There isn’t something wrong with you, I think you’re frustrated with the situation and that’s coming across. Let me read through and see if I can give any constructive criticism.

DH needs to either get up with DS in mornings or start and finish work earlier so you get that bit of time from 4pm to do stuff.

You need roughly equal leisure time. Find a way to achieve that. It might be in the week, or it might be at the weekend. Your DH will also build a closer bond with DS if he spends more time with him 121.

Being stressed is not great and it can make you more defensive because everything feels like a fight. Having a bit more time to yourself to relax might make you feel a bit less under strain. I think when you do work or childcare the whole time, the world feels like a barrage of jobs you can never quite achieve. Be kind to yourself! A bit of yoga or five minute meditations might help?

OP you haven't been anything other than polite. Please don't take comments to heart. There's nothing wrong with you at all.

You need to have a conversation. Maybe draw out a timetable showing free time without child you both have.
It would make far more sense for ds to be in a nursery near home and dh do morning drop.
Or can dh alter hours to 7-4 etc.

This is why a previous posted described you as obtuse which generally means slow to understand, often purposely.

99% of posts have been asking what the breakdown of your week is like and suggested your DH either needs to get DS ready on the mornings you go into work or do more on the other mornings.

For some reason you have chosen to ignore all those comments and somehow done a dramatic flounce claiming ‘there doesn’t need to be a solution’ so you can continue your pity party.
Why post complaining about your situation if you don’t want any solutions??

@Calmoutside the above - like you say, on days when you work, why ‘make’ dh do the mornings. All is ok. But on your days off, he should reciprocate - get up, sort little on, then handover to you at say 0830 so he has time to make himself a cuppa and get his work head straight. You don’t need to take a long hard look at yourself - while you weren’t 100% clear it was no big deal. So, have some mornings for yourself just like you are kind enough to do for DH and see how that goes 😃

It’s honestly not intended to be a dramatic flounce or pity party. I’m reading and I’m taking it all in, but I just didn’t want to appear argumentative at all either.

Its really difficult as I do feel a bit like anything I say is wrong.

I'm not saying he needs to get up at the exact same time as you to do chores, I mean once you have left the house in that big gap between him having to start his job.

I think you should of posted on the “I want to rant but not have a solution” thread I saw on here the other day.
You’ve just ended up defending your husband when you were the one that started this whole conversation LOL so at the very least it probably has made you feel better about the situation you are in but don’t really want to change.

what this thread has very clearly shown is that the problem lies with me and not DH

I don’t think it has. Many people have said it’s unfair for DH to lie in bed while you get yourself and baby ready.
Why can’t DH get up with DS and get him ready while you get ready for work? Seems like a pretty straightforward solution.

Tsort - ‘Pull yourself together’
How helpful