AIBU about DH, lazy in the mornings?

[Calmoutside]

DH wfh, when our DS wakes I go to him and just chill with CBeebies for a while until I shower and dress and get ready, then get DS washed and ready. We leave the house at just gone 7.

DH is generally in bed until about 645, he will sit with DS while I dry my hair if it’s a hair wash day.

He then gets nearly two hours to chill as work doesn’t start till 9.

Its clearly really unfair but not sure how to improve it without being petty and ‘well I’m up so you have to be up to’ territory.

@PicturesOfDogs but thats very different to being deliberately obtuse and that is my concern.

My perception on this thread is that I’ve been polite, but someone else’s perception is that I am purposefully being obtuse. If that’s the case, that’s a huge worry.

I would personally do it the other way round.

If I’m up and out it would make sense for me to be the one to do breakfast/drop off, no point in two people leaving the house if they don’t need to.
Then on days I wasn’t working, DP would do breakfast and I’d have a lazy morning.
that makes sense to me

what happens on the 2 days that you dont take DS to nursery?

‘Polite’’ and ‘obtuse’ are not incompatible.

The opposite or polite is rude. You haven’t been rude.

You come across as a bit difficult TBH. In the nicest possible way. You did ask.

Well, the dictionary definition of obtuse is ‘annoyingly insensitive.’

So maybe if someone could tell me where I’ve been annoyingly insensitive that would be good, as I am very genuinely not seeing it. Is it because people think I want DH to get up because I am? I don’t really, that’s why I’m asking if it’s unreasonable.

I think I’ve had enough answers, some people have been very critical of me which I realise might be very helpful for some posters but for me all it does is make me feel quite stressed.

@adriftabroad i did ask but what I wanted to know was how?

Well, OP has said she entertains until 6, when DH finishes work. This leads me to believe the DH has involvement once he’s finished.
Other wise OP would have said I entertain DC until half 6, when bedtime routine begins.
Its not very clear what the evening routine is though, and if it differs between the days OP is working and when she isn’t

Is the solution that your DH does some chores in the morning and reduces his "chill" time so that you do less when you get in? He does bedtime & you get time to yourself then?

Yeah I was more writing from my perspective of the way that we work it as my OH starts early every day.

Sounds like the childcare drop off works - I get that

What I don't get is why only you are getting up with your dc in the morning, surely you should take it in turns with your dh. That way you both get a lie in

What is your dh doing with his 2 hrs before work? If he's doing a bit of housework, batch cooking meals for the evening then great.

Who does the housework and cooking in the evening?!

Does your DH have to start at 9 or could he start earlier and finish earlier?

You are unquestionably doing a lot more childcare than him.

Does he make up for it in other ways? E.g. as he gets this extra time, is he doing the laundry, cleaning etc?

I don’t think there needs to be a solution, in all honesty. As some posters have said, sometimes the layout of the day does just mean that one person gets more ‘downtime’ than the other and I don’t resent that. I certainly don’t want to be demanding he gets out of bed and starts to do household chores, that’s not what I’m saying at all.

Some posters are on a real mission to be cunts to OPs for the sake of it, at the moment.

You’ve been absolutely fine. And I fully understand where your resentment is coming from. A solution is not clear but I do hope you find one. Some time for yourself is probably a good place to start.

Also posters consistently misuse the word ‘obtuse’ on here. I think they’re trying to be clever and suggest an OP is being vague and avoidant, but seeing as they seem to suggest knowing intent of such obfuscation on the part of an OP, obtuse is really not the correct word.

Put it this way: if the situation just worked out to give you more downtime, would you pick up more chores or would you just relax and enjoy more downtime?

My guess is you would do what you could to even it up. Why wouldn't you expect your DH to do the same?

My mornings are quite similar to yours OP and I sympathise! Rebalancing some of the mornings tasks between me and DH sometimes felt “just for the sake of it” because it’s not the most convenient or logical distribution - it is merely to ensure my mornings are nicer.

however, I think that is reason enough! The thing we have done is that DH gets up and is responsible for ensuring DC gets fed, dressed, bags ready. I’m getting ready for work during this time and it’s just much nicer and less rushed as I’m doing half as much and only responsible for myself. DH still gets to go at a chilled pace and of course he gets the house to himself for at least an hour after we leave and before he starts work.

of course DH’s morning is still a bit nicer and less stressful than mine but that’s the product of me having a job where I have to work out the house and leave at 8am, and him having a WFH job that starts later. That’s just how it is and would be even if no DC.

What time do you have to be at work?

I personally would get H to get up and sort your child out in the mornings and then all you have to do is pick up your baby at 7am ish and walk out of the door with him? H can then go back to bed/chill etc for a couple of hours.

Or get H to take the child to nursery. You are currently leaving the house with a little one at 7ish (which is pretty early for a child to be out of the house especially as you have to wash and dress them). Who cares if he is stuck in traffic on the way back!?

I think that the person who wrote 'unGodly hour' was just saying it tongue in cheek so i wouldn't get offended by that. I also wouldn't be offended by the 'welcome' comment - someone just thought you were being treated like a doormat.

I leave the house at 7.55am with both my Children (but, they are older and completely sort themselves out) and i THINK my H gets out of bed at 9ish but, i have no idea. But, if i had a baby then i would expect to be a team and both sort the little one out.

I love this because the response itself is obtuse. This might just be genius. The dictionary definition of obtuse is actually "annoyingly insensitive or slow to understand" and in reality most people use "deliberately obtuse" to mean willfully slow to understand or deliberately misunderstanding/ignoring some facts. The reason you are being accused of being deliberately obtuse is not about politeness, it's about the fact that most posters are trying to understand the overall picture of whether your DH pulls his weight e.g. does he do all bedtimes? Is he doing household chores or is he lazing around? Because that will make a difference regarding whether getting up at 7 is reasonable.

The issue with most aspects of ‘fair’ vs ‘unfair’ in domestic life in a relationship parenting children is that it’s never a clear l-cut answer in the question you think you want answered. It’s nearly always a question borne out of a situation that has its roots elsewhere in the general relationship balance. On MN people try to tease out that information to problem-solve.

You don’t like that as a concept - you just want people to answer the question you asked. Fair enough. It does come across as ‘obtuse’ though, in the sense of wilfully misunderstanding why people need to know/ask background information and getting irritated by it.

I haven’t read the whole thread, just your replies OP. But I find this all very strange. You came on here asking a question and immediately got defensive when people replied. Now you’re saying there doesn’t need to be a solution. Surely if you could improve your life in some small way you would. And if you don’t want to why bother asking? Anyway,, you sound like hard work

And she still hasn't answered the question.🙄

One thing to think about OP is that in a few years, your child will be going to school, which may be a lot closer to your house. So your WFH DH would most likely be doing the school run in the mornings. Plenty of time if he starts at 9. You’ll be heading out the door and he’ll be entirely responsible for getting your child up and ready for school. And the school years go on for a lot longer than the nursery years!

So it may all even out in the end.

I genuinely don’t see where I have been defensive @Constellationstation . I’m really sorry as clearly I have. I am having a few problems at work at the moment and I’m very worried that this is why.

Obviously I need to take a good hard look at myself because without wanting to, meaning to or realising I am, I am a really difficult, awkward person. I don’t want to be, but if everyone else is seeing it I must be.

@ElmoNeedsThePotty I won’t answer if you don’t mind because what this thread has very clearly shown is that the problem lies with me and not DH.

I am desperate for DS not to grow up like me so I am going to take what you’ve all said on board and really consider my attitude and how I come across. I’m so sorry for being a pain in the arse and I can only apologise and reiterate it was not my intention.

I’d be ok with that if
1 on your days off DH got up with DS and got him ready for the day and played with him until 20 mins before he was due to start work. You get to chill
2 on the days you work DH prepped dinner (or most of it so you had to do minimal stuff) plus did 3/4 of the housework.

3 evenings you take turns at doing bedtime routine.

what this thread has very clearly shown is that the problem lies with me and not DH

Fwiw, OP, I do not think it has shown this at all.

I wish you all the best.