DH lied - Pay rise

[Stuckinthemiddle1990]

Long one...

DH has recently been headhunted (for want of a better word). £15 extra a week, but a job of better variety in his line of work, which is what he wanted. His current employer wants him to stay so offered him the same job with the extra £15 a week. Excellent. Just want him to be happy in his work and he decided to stay. Extra money each week would go towards increase in petrol. Happy days.

I am applying for a promotion at work which even at the bottom end of the scale will bring in an extra £800 a month. Its HUGE..... doing a job that I actually do every day anyways. I have to apply and have to put forward an application and (hopefully) interview.

One of DHs oldest friends works in recruitment in The City so he sent him my supporting statement to cast an eye and give some helping hints. We were sitting there and he got a message through (standing next to him reading out loud) saying "no hints needed, it excellent" followed up with (from DH) "thanks so much, oh I haven't told her about the significant raise". I asked DH about the "significant raise" and he said you know how much I'm being paid, to which I said I know how much you are being paid because you told me how much, but it's hardly significant is it, unless you are lying to me. He said he wasn't and he went quiet.

After not talking for around 20 minutes he asked why I wasn't speaking and I said he was the one that had gone quiet and he the said is this about my pay?

I said well yes, a "significant raise" isn't £15 a week. Don't fucking lie to me. Turns out he's actually getting £75 extra a week. An extra £300 a month. He said he lied because he wanted to use that money to work less overtime and pay of his credit card (£1200) and that he made a "bad call" in not telling me. Those are acceptable reasons to use the extra money, so why not fucking tell me??

Every single penny I earn goes to joint finances. A portion of his goes to joint and then he keeps some for football season ticket and football beer money.

He's so angry at the fact that I'm angry.....

AIBU being angry? AIBU to be angry that he is angry at me??!!!

Sorry for taking so long!!

You’d notice if he was doing less overtime surely? So either that would ring bells or he was planning to be somewhere else.

There is a lack of balance in your relationship and now he has added mistrust as well. That is something you both either need to fix (and that means you have a social / escape fund) or there are long term problems brewing- or they were there anyway, you just never noticed them before.

Every woman should have a runaway fund. It doesn't have to be a complete secret but it's important to keep some financial independence no matter how happy you are

Should every man have one too? On MN it seems that women are supposed to keep all their own money, but men are supposed to share it all.

Yet again, it's a married couple who don't seem to know what marriage involves. OP, he can keep what he likes - it's all half yours anyway. In the same way, the new income you will hopefully be receiving soon is half his, whatever name you both want to put on it.

If people don't like this fact, they shouldn't get married.

This. Very well said.

He's so angry at the fact that I'm angry.....

I don’t think he’s angry at the fact that you’re angry. I think he’s angry because he’s had to unnecessarily admit to his friend that he’s deceitful, you’ve found him out, you’ve spoiled his plans for the money, you’ve made him feel bad for lying to you and if you tell anyone, they’ll think he’s a shit husband. In those circumstances it’s far easier for him to get angry at you than it is to address what he’s done.

In your position, I’d be questioning everything in case there were any other little white lies he may have forgotten to come clean about. It would be a long time before I took his word for anything again. I’d also start reassessing your contributions to the family pot if you get that job. Good luck!

What do you think he would have been doing with the extra hours he wasn't at work? How many hours would that have been? That would be as much of a worry to me as the lie about the money

I would be fucking livid. This isn't a partnership, he's being a cheeky fucker.

In my line of work (law) temporary contracts that pay weekly can be VERY lucrative (sometimes equivalent of over £100K p/a depending on the contract and seniority of the consultant). Actually, you can ask for more money if you're on that type of contract than if you were on a monthly salary.

For godsake, nobody with actual skills gets “head hunted” for an extra £15/wk. I think you’re naive at best if not bu, & paying off debt is a priority- I can see why he’s kept money aside to do so. It shouldn’t have been an issue, frankly I feel this question here is why did he not feel able to state that he wanted to use his extra income to pay off debts?

Mumsnet is like having one if those conversations with yourself that ends up exaggerating the problem madly, and then in the cold light of day you realise this.

However.
Yes I'd be really pissed off (1) at the lies, (2) at his inability to even lie well, and (3) for trying to make it seem I was the problem (yes, gaslighting).
He's backed himself into a corner and so is coming out to attack.

I'd also want to rethink how the financials are set up so that there's either no option for him to hide money again, or you both have the option to squirrel funds away.

HUGE red flag for me is not just the lying, but the fact he is angry with you. I'd be really rethinking things if this was me

£15 sounded a bit implausible. Not anything like in line with inflation for a start.

Sadly, sounds like there is more to his reasons for not telling you….
or maybe I am cynical.
good luck in your job interview x x

Definitely grounds for divorce!!!

id bet anything he’s getting more than £300 extra a month..

Quite a bizarre thing to lie about , not sure why he's doing it. Don't think he would be embarrassed about a credit card debt , unless it's much bigger than he's making out.
It could be anything from a gambling addiction, drug abuse to even infidelity. Be prepared for this man to leave one day , as he may. If you're childless, I would recommend staying childless with this man as things will get worse with a child involved.

P.s He's probably even still lying about the £300 raise .

He should have told you. He lied to your face. How can you be a team if he’s being a liar? To me this is a once in a lifetime mistake. If he’s done it once before, I’d be gone like a bat out of hell. He gets one second chance if, and only if, you feel like he’s remorseful and genuine about being honest in future.

Wouldn't be after tax , as everyone's tax circumstances is different. If the employer is suggesting a raise it will be gross amount

I’d wonder what else he’s lying about

Presumably you were open about the £800 pm that you would potentially be getting. If that is the case, then it was really underhand of him to underplay his rise. As you say, his wanting to pay off credit cards, etc., is reasonable but it wasn't reasonable of him to lie to you.

I'm not sure what I would do. I am not of the opinion that' because one person earns more, the other has a smaller percentage of that increased amount. So far as our own situation is concerned, at least in the final years of us working, my husband was earning considerably more than me, but it all went into a joint account and he never questioned what I spent money on (though I am not extravagant).

Given your situation, if you do get the very significant rise, I would make sure that I spent at least as much as my partner spends, if not more.

He has no right to be angry with you - he has undermined your trust in him and you have every right to be angry about it.

You are right OP to find this unacceptable in a marriage. It’s a breach of trust. Without that you don’t have a great relationship, unfortunately. He is clearly trying to defend himself rather than acknowledge that he has crossed a really important line. I would really be questioning how much of a partnership this really is and think couples counseling could be a good move.

Well firstly stop this…
Every single penny I earn goes to joint finances. A portion of his goes to joint and then he keeps some for football season ticket and football beer money

How dare he. YANBU.

This

@Stuckinthemiddle1990 - my husband used to do this sort of stuff. If he got extra money not tell me and spend it on things like paying off debt but also wanting to keep some for himself. His reasons for not telling me were that ‘he knew I would want to decide how to use the extra money’ looking back he was probably right. I would have tried to have ‘my say’. I didn’t leave him, nor did I think these were red flags! We talked it through and both realised our faults. Years later, we regularly sit down and look at what’s in our accounts, what we’re both spending and saving. I’ve recently been told I’ll be getting a £900 after tax monthly pay increase. He was the first person I told and we discussed how that will help with growing costs etc.

I understand your anger but really sit down and talk with him. Explain why you feel how you do and actually listen to why he didn’t tell you.

Honest people with nothing to hide don’t hide things from their partners/spouses. Once trust is gone, problems arise, so you need to have a serious word with him.