DH lied - Pay rise

[Stuckinthemiddle1990]

Long one...

DH has recently been headhunted (for want of a better word). £15 extra a week, but a job of better variety in his line of work, which is what he wanted. His current employer wants him to stay so offered him the same job with the extra £15 a week. Excellent. Just want him to be happy in his work and he decided to stay. Extra money each week would go towards increase in petrol. Happy days.

I am applying for a promotion at work which even at the bottom end of the scale will bring in an extra £800 a month. Its HUGE..... doing a job that I actually do every day anyways. I have to apply and have to put forward an application and (hopefully) interview.

One of DHs oldest friends works in recruitment in The City so he sent him my supporting statement to cast an eye and give some helping hints. We were sitting there and he got a message through (standing next to him reading out loud) saying "no hints needed, it excellent" followed up with (from DH) "thanks so much, oh I haven't told her about the significant raise". I asked DH about the "significant raise" and he said you know how much I'm being paid, to which I said I know how much you are being paid because you told me how much, but it's hardly significant is it, unless you are lying to me. He said he wasn't and he went quiet.

After not talking for around 20 minutes he asked why I wasn't speaking and I said he was the one that had gone quiet and he the said is this about my pay?

I said well yes, a "significant raise" isn't £15 a week. Don't fucking lie to me. Turns out he's actually getting £75 extra a week. An extra £300 a month. He said he lied because he wanted to use that money to work less overtime and pay of his credit card (£1200) and that he made a "bad call" in not telling me. Those are acceptable reasons to use the extra money, so why not fucking tell me??

Every single penny I earn goes to joint finances. A portion of his goes to joint and then he keeps some for football season ticket and football beer money.

He's so angry at the fact that I'm angry.....

AIBU being angry? AIBU to be angry that he is angry at me??!!!

Sorry for taking so long!!

@IncompleteSenten

Or alternatively want to pay off the debt secretly to avoid the ire of their partner knowing about it and then claim to have got a pay rise at a later than true date once the debt was gone.

I don't know, OP. Your follow-up post where you say "I do have access to money if and when I need it" again sounds self-sacrificing. You are allowed to own and enjoy the money you work for! Your DH obviously isn't into living that way so I think you need to talk the whole thing over.

🤷 possibly. Only he knows for sure.

Every single penny I earn goes to joint finances. A portion of his goes to joint and then he keeps some for football season ticket and football beer money.

The real question is why are you being a mug?

I would be livid, and so hurt. He lied to you, and also, asked his friend to keep quiet about the lie? Wow. That’s a huge blow to trust. Ask him how the hell you can believe what he says if he just lies when he feels like it?

I don’t know what to suggest. Couples therapy maybe? He needs to realise why what he did was wrong.

No, you are coming off as unreasonable. The OP's DH lied, a calculated lie that he's involved his friend in behind the OP's back. That is a fact. The OP's anger isn't excessive given this is a pretty fundamental thing to lie about in a marriage. There is no evidence the DH is financially abused - he gets to keep money for hobbies, the OP is prioritising household finances.

You're tying yourself in knots to come up with 'maybes' and 'what ifs' that aren't there to justify an inexcusable lie. Are you the DH's OW he's saving to run off with? Otherwise why are you simping so hard for lying men?

Ha ha he really wants that extra £800 to go in the family pot, doesn’t he? To the extent of asking his HR friend to cast an eye over your personal statement.

You need to wake up, OP. This man is all for himself.

Why on earth are you putting all of your money into the joint account while he keeps a significant amount to himself? I wouldn't be sharing my finances with him anymore, the trust would be gone and he's a selfish fucker.

after his petrol, season ticket and football spends

This bit caught my attention. Is this stuff coming out of the joint account/shared money? What are you getting or doing just for yourself?

It’s actually £325 a month.

I never get why people think the same percentage of income is fair rather than just the same amount. Why should the higher earner (usually the man doing less childcare) have more personal spends?

Thanks for your input, Dave.

I find it very odd that someone would apply for a new post that offered an extra £3 a day and that is without tax.

and you are away to earn an extra £800 a month.

Seems bizarre you’d think he’d be delighted to share his news! I’d be embarrassed at announcing a £3 pay rise tbh

I find it very odd that someone would apply for a new post that offered an extra £3 a day and that is without tax.

From what she originally said it wasn't so much the money as a new role that he wanted.

@PollyZo the OP doesn't suggest it was secret debt she wasn't already aware of. I think its a stretch to suggest so.

@LondonGirl83

Thats the impression I got from her post. Blpwrhaps she can clarify if she knew of the debt

He said he lied because he wanted to use that money to work less overtime and pay of his credit card (£1200) and that he made a "bad call" in not telling me. Those are acceptable reasons to use the extra money, so why not fucking tell me??

He is doing what many a poster has advised an OP to do. Get his “ducks in a row”!

Clearly a far from happy marriage and he wants out

He’s paid weekly? Will be a very low income likely

Well, my DH can be quite secretive at times, usually about money. He's also quite tight! I'm the opposite, practically give away my money and prioritise all of it on him and my children. It's just how we are. It's DHs only fault (well, he's also a bit moody!!) Other than this, he's wonderful, a loyal and loving husband and father and my soul mate. We all have our faults. It depends on your priorities, and why you love him and are with him, in terms of how big a deal this is for you I guess.

@PollyZo

Yes I am fully aware of the debt and I know how much it is.

@Oddieconvert

Not a low wage. It's very common in his line of work to be paid weekly. Particularly as he is paid P/H as opposed to salaried.

This issue aside

Your relationship was… ?

@Stuckinthemiddle1990

Maybe ask your DP why he didn’t say and also ask him if your temper is an issue for him?
can’t know if you don’t ask.

@PollyZo you are still suggesting the OP has an anger problem even after she's confirmed she knew about the debt.

Lying about finances is a big deal and a big reaction is totally normal. In fact its obvious to me at least he's still lying. If paying off the debt was his true intention he'd have had no reason to lie about it. OP he is still lying to you I fear....

Yes because her initial post was seething with anger even though he had explained he kept it from her to pay off the debt.

Which makes me think he’s lying because he doesn’t want to trigger an angry reaction from her. Which is troubling.