DH lied - Pay rise

[Stuckinthemiddle1990]

Long one...

DH has recently been headhunted (for want of a better word). £15 extra a week, but a job of better variety in his line of work, which is what he wanted. His current employer wants him to stay so offered him the same job with the extra £15 a week. Excellent. Just want him to be happy in his work and he decided to stay. Extra money each week would go towards increase in petrol. Happy days.

I am applying for a promotion at work which even at the bottom end of the scale will bring in an extra £800 a month. Its HUGE..... doing a job that I actually do every day anyways. I have to apply and have to put forward an application and (hopefully) interview.

One of DHs oldest friends works in recruitment in The City so he sent him my supporting statement to cast an eye and give some helping hints. We were sitting there and he got a message through (standing next to him reading out loud) saying "no hints needed, it excellent" followed up with (from DH) "thanks so much, oh I haven't told her about the significant raise". I asked DH about the "significant raise" and he said you know how much I'm being paid, to which I said I know how much you are being paid because you told me how much, but it's hardly significant is it, unless you are lying to me. He said he wasn't and he went quiet.

After not talking for around 20 minutes he asked why I wasn't speaking and I said he was the one that had gone quiet and he the said is this about my pay?

I said well yes, a "significant raise" isn't £15 a week. Don't fucking lie to me. Turns out he's actually getting £75 extra a week. An extra £300 a month. He said he lied because he wanted to use that money to work less overtime and pay of his credit card (£1200) and that he made a "bad call" in not telling me. Those are acceptable reasons to use the extra money, so why not fucking tell me??

Every single penny I earn goes to joint finances. A portion of his goes to joint and then he keeps some for football season ticket and football beer money.

He's so angry at the fact that I'm angry.....

AIBU being angry? AIBU to be angry that he is angry at me??!!!

Sorry for taking so long!!

When I first worked in local government men would get their expenses separately so thry didn't have to tell tgeir wives. Wtf! Pathetic then as much as it is today.

You are being a mug putting all your money in the joint account. He doesn't so why should you? I know it's a stupid game but it's not your game, it's his, so you either call him out or you play.

I'd be fuming too but then all our money is joint and I know more about my DHs income than he does so he'd never get away with it

If he is using that extra 60 a week to avoid overtime, where has he been spending that time? and money? Did he show debt being paid off? If the partner is not financially abusive or spending all the money the only other reasons for hiding money are selfishness, cheating, gambling/bad investments, and debt. If he is lying about money and extra free time you don't know about, that doubles the red flags. I thought mine was hiding money and time because of bad investments that he thought he was hiding. Turns out it was that and cheating. The bad investments were an attempt to cover the costs of a girlfriend.

I’d be more annoyed that he gets to keep back a certain amount for personal stuff and you don’t! What century are we in again?!

have you asked why he didn’t just tell you - maybe he feels you’re a bit controlling over what he spends his money on? They are reasonable things to spend it on so why was he fearful of telling you?

That's absolutely not on. Yes paying down debt is good, but if he said 'hey OP, I'm getting £75 extra but can I use it to pay off this credit card instead of putting it into the pot' they could have had a discussion on it.

My temptation would be to say enjoy keeping your £300 raise, I'll be keeping my £800 raise then. But I'm aware thats tit for tat and not conducive to a healthy relationship.

Use this as a chance to re-evaluate your finances and make sure its fair.

Sorry Op but this was not a spontaneous spur of the moment lie. This lie was thought out and even communicated to (at least) one presumably complicit friend.
Its also the secret cutting down of overtime that is really telling. Wherever he wants to be during that time it’s sadly not with you.
You sound like an honest and sharing kind of person who is ‘OK’ing’ your husbands jollies out to the football and solo spending sprees. Please think about starting your own savings pot and having regular meet ups with friends/hobbies.
Do not allow your husband to twist any anger or blame onto you. You sound like you are achieving this so stay consistent. Good luck

If you’re ok with him having beer money each month then I’d say you’re a pretty reasonable wife, in which case him lying to you about his pay increase in completely unacceptable. I’d also be pissed off that he had discussed it with his mate too as if he was mocking you. He knows he was wrong, him being angry is him trying to deflect the blame. Nob

Lots of comments - here’s mine
money can cause arguments and it’s hard to always be on the same page as your partner…
I do think if you don’t resolve this now it will come back in the future to hurt you and your relationship.
he did lie about the money and he roped his friend into the lie too …..that’s very deceitful.
do you have children?
tricky question - does he lie about other things? think about it.
good luck.

This. No way would that be happening in our household.

Being angry about something that is really annoying (eg being lied to) does not mean someone "has anger issues" or is "an angry person". It just means they are angry - it's OK to be angry. It's how you channel / direct that anger that makes a person have "anger issues".

So yanbu. Its about trust, he blatantly lied to you.

With regards to him keeping the money for football and now for his credit card I suggest you keep the same amount for yourself out of your wages.

Ask him how he would feel if you had lied to him and said you were getting £200 extra not £800? And he found out from someone else.

Id be fuming as well.

You’re both BU, and a bit childish. Can’t even imagine having this conversation or being in that situation. I’ve no idea what DH earns, he doesn’t know what I earn either (we are both self employed so it varies). We just transfer into the main account what is needed. I don’t think is a money problem.

I’ve got a deceitful one as well … Spent 40 k on a property which was my money , when it came to him getting a lump sum it got stashed .. #furios

I think it's a real pity he lied and I understand why you are angry and upset. Do you think you should perhaps agree together that some of your money can be used for nice things if at all possible? In my view, there's nothing wrong with him spending a bit of money on enjoying football or beer but if you feel you are the one giving up having fun, making all the sacrifices because of financial pressures and he's not then this is not fair and is going to lead to resentment. It sounds as though you guys need to have some honest heart-to-heart - it may be that he was feeling unable to broach these topics so stupidly decided to lie. Perhaps he feels guilty for spending some money on himself. I think you should both spend money on yourselves (if you can). It's not healthy to pool every single penny. You both need independence. That said if money is tight and you're both working your socks off to make ends meet then this is not an acceptable way to behave.

So, everything above. AND why does he have to keep money back for eg football? Why wouldn't all money be in the pot and football gets paid out of that? I'd be asking to see not only current and potential employment contracts but bank statements too. I bet he's earning more than you think already it's more than 75... Good luck

Personally I couldn’t be married to someone who lied about their finances like that, it would completely break any trust I had in them

I couldn’t agree more with this.

Did he ever plan on being honest with you about the raise? What was the money going on once he’d paid his CC off in 4 or so months?

Also, I don’t know what he was earning before the raise but I wouldn’t call £300 a month “significant” especially in comparison to your £800? Sorry if I’ve misunderstood!

Average UK salary take home is around £2K a month. £300 is over 10%! £300 is almost half my mortgage. An extra £300 would be a significant increase to me as an 'average' earner so I can only imagine how life changing it would be to the many many people near minimum wage.

Sorry, I worded it badly and was comparing it more to the £800 and that OP said he wasn’t earning a low wage. I do fully understand that £300 extra month is a significant amount of money to most people 😣

I would be incandescent that all my money went in a household pot but he gets to siphon off his….along with the lie….he is taking the piss! I would ask for a sit down and explain it in words of one syllable so he gets it….. we either put all money in joint account…or we put in the equivalent amount pro rata….and each have our own jollies account….and in future tell the truth about everything…or we look at counselling….because this isn’t going to work!

He is angry with you because he has been found out. He is being entirely unreasonable and knows it as he says it was a bad call on his part.

I wouldn't get dragged into justifying yourself. tell him

"Look, you know it was a bad call, you said so. I am angry precisely because it was a bad call. Moving on, we need to agree together that this will never happen again. Our finances are shared and if either of us wants to change the arrangement it needs an open discussion not secrets"

Then have a proper finance discussion rather than blame and move things forward together

Every woman needs a secret savings account, nobody knows what is around the corner - look at some of our politicians - look after yourself and build up a secret nest egg

I had 2 friends who both lied to their partners about their salaries £5000-10k under what they were being paid. They both had serious money problems/hidden debt...

Not read the hole thread but yeah, tread with caution...