DH lied - Pay rise

[Stuckinthemiddle1990]

Long one...

DH has recently been headhunted (for want of a better word). £15 extra a week, but a job of better variety in his line of work, which is what he wanted. His current employer wants him to stay so offered him the same job with the extra £15 a week. Excellent. Just want him to be happy in his work and he decided to stay. Extra money each week would go towards increase in petrol. Happy days.

I am applying for a promotion at work which even at the bottom end of the scale will bring in an extra £800 a month. Its HUGE..... doing a job that I actually do every day anyways. I have to apply and have to put forward an application and (hopefully) interview.

One of DHs oldest friends works in recruitment in The City so he sent him my supporting statement to cast an eye and give some helping hints. We were sitting there and he got a message through (standing next to him reading out loud) saying "no hints needed, it excellent" followed up with (from DH) "thanks so much, oh I haven't told her about the significant raise". I asked DH about the "significant raise" and he said you know how much I'm being paid, to which I said I know how much you are being paid because you told me how much, but it's hardly significant is it, unless you are lying to me. He said he wasn't and he went quiet.

After not talking for around 20 minutes he asked why I wasn't speaking and I said he was the one that had gone quiet and he the said is this about my pay?

I said well yes, a "significant raise" isn't £15 a week. Don't fucking lie to me. Turns out he's actually getting £75 extra a week. An extra £300 a month. He said he lied because he wanted to use that money to work less overtime and pay of his credit card (£1200) and that he made a "bad call" in not telling me. Those are acceptable reasons to use the extra money, so why not fucking tell me??

Every single penny I earn goes to joint finances. A portion of his goes to joint and then he keeps some for football season ticket and football beer money.

He's so angry at the fact that I'm angry.....

AIBU being angry? AIBU to be angry that he is angry at me??!!!

Sorry for taking so long!!

Okay, you have your perspective. As this thread shows, most people would be seething if lied to about finances as outlined by the OP.

His explanation for his original lie makes no sense which would anger me even more as its obvious he's still not being honest.

@PollyZo

I'm finding your take on this a bit bizarre, but I know I put it in AIBU so I'm not going to get all defensive and shout you down as contrary to your beliefs I do not have anger issues....
....but you can genuinely say that you would not be, under the same circumstances, even in the slightest bit angry?

Angry would not be first reaction, no.

I love and trust my partner. So I’d be baffled first, very keen to speak with him asap and then worried that something was seriously wrong as so out of character for him.

anger? No

But otherwise bit of a shit relationship and I didn’t trust him generally then yes - anger.

So is yours like that generally?

@Stuckinthemiddle1990

No I wouldn’t be angry AFTER I realised he wanted to keep it secret to pay off the debt which he is probably embarrassed by. Certainly not angry to the seething degree you seemed in your post.

And I truly do think it’s worth asking your partner if he perceives you as angry as often people who are can’t see it. They always think it’s justified

Op, YANBU to be angry and upset about this. He should have been honest about the raise and discussed it with you.

It now leaves him wide open to you not putting everything into the family pot. How much does he now think it is acceptable for you to keep out of your raise? If you use the same ratio of 15/300, it equates to 0.05 which works out at 40/800 for you. So you put £40 into the pot and keep the remaining £760. He can't say anything, he thinks it is ok to behave like it.........

He has made a bad call. He should be doing as much overtime as possible to clear the debt as quickly as possible.

It is very hard to trust a partner over finances once they have lied to you about it. Is he being honest about the amount of debt that he has or has he lied about that to you?

@PollyZo

But you are making the assumption that he is embarrassed by the debt. He isn't and for what its worth whilst as most married couples do we have the odd disagreement/argument every now and then I believe he would not say I am an angry person in the slightest. In fact he once said that I was possibly the happiest, most positive person he has ever met.

Now he seems to rather have a different view

and I think that if you’re honest with yourself Op… your marriage really was not in a great state before this

He has confided in his friend that he’s not happy and that wanting to leave so squirrelling away a “run away fund”

His friend is fully on board

He's so angry at the fact that I'm angry.....

If he'd apologised and said he'd had a crazy moment i could probably get over this. But the fucking nerve of him to be angry - because he's been caught out with his lies...

He's not really sorry is he. I'd find it hard to trust him again. I'd probably separate finances. As a minimum.

@PollyZo and @Oddieconvert are writing a fantasy novel I think 😂

Essentially we’re all saying the same

Either he’s a shit. In which case why would the op want to remain married to someone who lies to her.

or

he thinks the marriage is shit and wanted to squirrel away money

either Way - the long and the shot is shitty marriage. End of

Are you actually trolling cause all you responses made me laugh 😅🤣 it's hard to know the difference these days lol. Either way, thanks for the chuckle.

I agree with previous posters, keep the £800 separate. I have a horrible feeling you're going to want that one day.

What's good for the goose is good for the gander. If he can't share his then definitely don't share yours. I'm surprised you already let him spend so much on his hobby without you having equal disposable income for yourself.

Why does he get money for himself and you don’t? Doesn’t seem fair. He made a bad call not telling you but as you say these are valid reasons - esp paying of debt.

I think you need to negotiate an amount for yourself…

I would be furious by this, it would make me wonder what else the person was lying about.
I would be keeping money back for myself now going forward. He's doing it so you should get your own spends to.
I would want full transparency on everything going on financially also.

You need to build up your escape fund asap for when you need it. Because you will. If he is lying about this he is lying about other things.

Does no one ever go over bank statements? all your financial details are on it

Goodness, if I had kept that sort of secret I would be apologetic when my partner found out, not angry that they had reacted badly to me keeping the secret. Your husband's reaction is pretty weird.

Wouldn’t it depend on why you had kept it secret?

It's the fact that he explicitly lied (didn't simply not tell you about a pay rise, but made the effort to lie and say he'd been given a £15 pay rise), and that he is now reacting with anger at your hurt feelings, for me. It also rubs me the wrong way that he gets to keep money aside for football spending when you give everything to the joint account, but that's by the by as obviously something you've already agreed between yourselves.

Time to reassess the money situ.

Each put your share into the bills, keep a proportion and that means you keeping it aside if you're not going to spend it, and the rest into shared to be used as usual.

I'd be fuming too op. It isn't the money, it's the pointless lie and the refusal to accept he chose to tell you a pointless lie for selfish reasons

YANBU
I would be annoyed- especially as you were honest with him. However, £300 extra per month isn't huge and it's probably best to pay off credit card with it

You’re really clutching at straws aren’t you? Are you OPs husband? Lying about finances is unacceptable. I personally wouldn’t buy those two reasons he gave. OP why are you contributing so much to joint savings but he’s stashing away play money?