AIBU to tell parents they can’t visit until after lunch?

[Doicompromise]

I have primary school aged children (and for context one sibling who has no children). My parents try and turn up every year first thing on Christmas morning to be there when the kids open their presents “to be part of the magic”. When they were really little they would turn up for half an hour to give presents and then we would all have dinner together.
The last few years they just want to turn up with presents to be part of the magic and go and have dinner elsewhere and enjoy the rest of their day which is up to them.
I voice each year that I would rather they did not visit in the morning so that we can enjoy our own time together as a family on Christmas morning and it’s not chaotic. I am usually told “no we have dinner to get to and we want to see the kids”.
Part of it is that they now don’t spend Christmas dinner with us so I feel a bit miffed they don’t want to spend that time with us. But primarily I just want to enjoy those precious moments while my children are little, I don’t want visitors there for “the most magical moments”. I just want to enjoy my children with my husband and then I’m happy to have visitors after lunch or visit other people.
I don’t feel I’m being super precious about this but if I am then I’ll have to compromise. I don’t want to upset my parents, but equally I do want to enjoy Christmas with my little family without feeling like each year someone rocks up to see the special bit and then leaves with no thought for how we wish to spend our day. Any suggestions?

@PurpleWisteria1

as above

Providing free child care is the only way grandparents get a look in these days

remember …. You reap what you sow

Yup!

Why would it sting? That’s as it should be?
There is probably far more to every post on MN but you can only take each post at face value and reply as such?

I've been very lucky to have my kids, and lately including the granddaughter, for every Christmas bar the Covid one. It's been lovely. But this year my younger dd has asked if I'd mind if she, her DH and the now two granddaughters have their own Christmas Day. And that's absolutely fine with me. I recognize my good fortune in having had more than three decades of full family Christmas mornings.

I'll see them for Christmas Eve instead, and maybe some of Boxing Day too.
Grandparents need to respect their own children's nuclear family sometimes. I know I appreciated it when my parents and in-laws did.

@PurpleWisteria1

i think it would sting cos u read so much on mumsnet of women completely sacrificing themselves for their kids - no hobbies, letting friendships slide, neglecting their rship with their partner etc all for the sake of “putting the kids first”

so yeah these women will find it hard if their offspring adopt the same approach as op…cos they won’t have much else in their life to offset it

The behaviour OP is modeling for her kids is that of inviting her parents for Christmas lunch or, failing that, for time after lunch. But not being a complete door mat and ignoring her own (and quite possibly all the rest of the immediate family’s) own desires about Christmas day in favour of her parents’. Parents who don’t want to spend the day with OP because they have a better, child free, offer.

That seems like pretty good behaviour to model. Family oriented, balanced and generous. Not sure why she should be at all concerned about the possibility of her children copying her. I imagine she’s rather hoping they will.

What about the kids in all of this?

Do they really want 6 or more adults (parents, 2 sets of GPs, plus GGPs, Aunties & Uncles) watching them on Christmas morning? You can't have one set of GPs and not the other and the whole thing becomes a stressful experience.

My house growing up was just our family, Grandparents came later and were shown our gifts.

I can't even work out how people do it, sorry kids you can't open anything until Granny gets here?

I'm also thinking about the visitors comments.
My mum would have no issues bunging the kettle on, MIL would never think to say I'll put the kettle on.
Likewise I'd never put their kettle on but I'd happily do that in my own parents house.

It's clear on this thread that some people think of their parents as family and some see them as visitors, which means you can't sit in front of them with PJs on for some reason. I find this weird because I see both parents AND my parents in law as family. I happily sit in my PJs in front of them, my DH does the same, as do both sets of parents! If I started treating my parents / in laws as visitors, that would make my life so much more difficult. I'd rather just be comfortable in front of them and live my life.

But @purplemama1990 it's a 2 way street. My mum would be disgusted if we hadn't even made the effort to get dressed and tidy up before she came round. I once failed to take the washing off the line when she had "popped round" at only half an hour's notice, and she was horrified at my slovenliness. No matter that I had spent every minute of that half hour tidying and vacuuming when I should have been ill in bed.

Families differ. You play with the hand you're dealt. It's not morally superior to either just happen to come from a less judgemental family, or to choose to ignore your parents' sensibilities.

I'd agree it's a two way street. I'd sit in front of my own mum in my pjs but I wouldn't be that comfortable sitting with MIL.
DH wouldn't be that comfortable with either of them.

We have a no shoes in the living room policy the only people who ignore it are the ILs. If they ain't comfy removing their outdoor shoes why should I feel comfy in my pjs?

Well no, probably not if you don’t impose yourself at a time that suits you but but not them. Also if you listen to what they want and try to be accommodating.

This 100%! My in-laws are PITA house guests, I don't think this because I'm their DIL, in fact I have far more patience with them than DH, they behave as if they are guests at a luxury hotel no matter what the circumstances.

Before we had dc we took it in turns to spend Xmas with them/my family and when we had dd we said we wanted to stay home so they were immediately 'no problem we'll come to you!' Fine we thought, then we had ds and he was 6 weeks old at Xmas, dd was 2, ds had screamed all night and dd had joined in around 5, we had literally no sleep at all that night, but cracked on with presents etc as you do. ILs arrived and were outraged that dd and I weren't yet dressed, took up their positions on the sofa and stayed there tutting for the rest of the day, not even an offer of help holding ds/pouring a drink nothing! I think we served lunch 30-45 minutes later than planned and they sat constantly looking at their watches and tutting, and roughly every hour for the rest of the day muttered 'never eaten Xmas lunch that late!' to each other, I could go on and on, but ultimately that was the year we decided make some changes

@iknowimcoming - they behave as if they are guests at a luxury hotel no matter what the circumstances!

That has completely and utterly summed up my ILs.

If it was a case of not wanting them for Christmas at all, I would say you should try for your kids. But they chose convenient solution to pop in for presents opening and then they'd rather be somewhere else for dinner, I'd feel like second choice too. They sound selfish.

I'd just be more direct and say so. I have Eid not such an issue for Xmas but my parents wanted me to record the kids opening the presents or videocall but them I missed the enjoyment of getting involved with the kids. The next year I refused and told them why. They understood, my mum was a bit miffed. My mil always wants us to spend the whole day with her but my kids are young and I want to instil some traditions of our own so I invite her over for lunch or dinner or if she invites us to hers let her know it will be early evening if that suits.

Could you invite them around for a film on xmas eve where the children could open their presents from their grandparents?

Well I never considered my parents 'visitors', but I can see it's annoying. I'm not sure about this 'magic' thing - it's over in about ten minutes!
Why not tell them to drop by after their meal? I'd avoid saying 'just the family', as surely that's who they are too!

@Flyingbye Yes, that's true, I guess those kind of parents bring it on themselves to be treated as visitors. My parents / in laws (and all my siblings / siblings in law) don't care really about the house being super tidy or washing being out or being in PJs etc. They never expect food to be put out for them or anything, everyone just makes themselves at home when at each others' houses. BUT they do have other really annoying habits to be fair, particularly the parents, so I guess I can understand not wanting them to visit at certain times etc!

Whi cares if anyone here thinks you are being precious? You only get 18 Christmases while your children are children then they will be adults and may well move to the other side of the world, get married and go off with in laws, join the army or anything.

I am precious with my time with my kids and I dont care who criticises it. I am not going to look back when I'm in my 80s and wish I kept everyone else happy am I? I'm going to wish I had savoured every second with my babies and so that's what I do.

Just tell them exactly what you wrote. I think they need to understand it all from your perspective. They can't pick and choose how you spend your Christmas with your family. If they want to see the kids then they should stay the day for dinner too, not pick and choose as I have said. It's like you have no choice and just have to listen, but it's time to speak up and stand for what you want to happen and what you want to . Take control back with the situation x

How much are they involve with ‘the magic’ of having children the rest of the year? That would help me decide!

*involved

I actually think it's really nice that your parents can be bothered getting up so early to see their grandkids. I'm assuming the kids open presents about 5/6am. I wouldn't.

So your parents brought you up, loved you (I assume), did Christmas for you (I guess), but now you have your new family they can FO until you say so. Great to see how disposable they are.
My gran is in her last days. If I could have one last Christmas with her, for the whole day, and Xmas eve, Boxing Day and whatever else too, I would accept in a heartbeat.You will be there too one day.

@Mariposista sorry about your Gran but being part of Christmas doesn't mean having to be there on Christmas morning.

Christmas should be about so much more than Santa and opening presents.
Grandparents and Great Grandparents have had their special chilled out Christmas mornings with their kids.