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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dropping and collecting 18 year old to part time work..a mile away.

203 replies

aldischristmas · 08/11/2022 12:45

My 18 year old is still at school.We are in the ROI.She works most weekends for a few hours on Saturday and Sunday.Those hours can be morning or evening but she expects a lift to and from work and is quite nasty when i complain at having to stay up to collect her at unsociable hours.I felt completely justified in saying no when I am not free as I have other kids and am a single parent.She earns plenty so could easily afford a taxi and she also has her Dad closeby, who is pretty useless but she won't even ask him. I was talking to one of my closest friends who then told me that she was changing her entire wekend plans because her own 18 year old daughter needed to be dropped and collected to/from work. AIBU to think this is absolutley ridiculous that our lives are now revolving around our 18 year olds needing lifts to and from work.I am beginning to think that we are our own worst enemies.

OP posts:
Liorae · 08/11/2022 15:48

There is a remarkable level of fear of the dark on Mumsnet.

antelopevalley · 08/11/2022 15:53

steppemum · 08/11/2022 15:25

well, OP has vanished.

So we will never know the actual context and if it is safe or not for her dd to get herself home.

Obviously there are contexts where it would be safe and contexts where it wouldn't.

But yet again I am amazed on mn at the number of people who won't let their kids do normal stuff like get a bike and cycle to get to their job, just in case.

It makes me sad because we still haven't grasped the reality that you are more likely to be hurt by someone you know that by a stranger. And that there are no more stranger danger incidents now than there were 50/60 years ago.
We should be more concerned about who our dds boyfriend is than about her walking home from work.

Totally agree!!
Humans seem shit at assessing risk.

StressedToTheMaxxx · 08/11/2022 15:55

If she was grateful and it didn't imposition you too much then I'd say crack on. However this doesn't seem to be the case. I'd give her plenty of notice ie sorry daughter but from now on, you'll need to make your own way to/from work.

Parmesam · 08/11/2022 15:56

My 16yo DD walks further to school each day!

If she hates walking so much why not get her a bike or invest in motorcycle lessons?

CapMarvel · 08/11/2022 15:58

She's 18. It's a mile. She can walk or cycle it.

Hellybelly84 · 08/11/2022 16:02

18 year olds should absolutely be walking a mile (and not just because no one is available to drop off). We are in an obesity crisis and they need to learn its normal and best to walk where possible and not be ferried everywhere. My year 6 son walks home alone from school (we’re closer than a mile but some of his friends walk much further from school across our town). If its dark and shes walking alone, then taxi or lift ofcourse.

JanetSally · 08/11/2022 16:05

MeridianB · 08/11/2022 15:13

is quite nasty when i complain at having to stay up to collect her at unsociable hours

Zero tolerance for this. She is 18, so she needs to understand responsibility. And manners!

I totally agree. That is unacceptable behaviour. She needs a metaphorical kick up the arse.

Spanielsarepainless · 08/11/2022 16:06

That's a twenty minute walk. Tell her about global warming, and to walk or cycle.

Bellaboo01 · 08/11/2022 16:10

She should:

  • Walk
  • Drive herself as she is 18
  • Cycle
  • Taxi
  • Carpool with someone else

My kids walk more than a mile to school and back each day.

My 16 year old walks roughly a mile and back to her part-time job that she has.

Obviously sometimes i will pick her up but, i can probably count on one hand how many times that has been!

Topsyturvy78 · 08/11/2022 16:11

Definitely I had to make an emergency trip out last night for ds medication we had run out of. I'm lucky I can easily get a taxi. But my son can't be left. We walked back from Asda 1 1/2 miles away at 10 at night. We are pretty lucky we live in a safe well lit area though. Most are not well off, but crime is low and we look out for and help each other.

AryaStarkWolf · 08/11/2022 16:13

user1471554720 · 08/11/2022 15:21

Why did your daughter accept the job when she had no transport. Just ask her to give up the job if you have a problem!

We lived out the country when I was young, also in ROI. Jobs were 6 and 7 miles away with unsociable hours, very little taxis and lonesome areas My mother worked full time office hours and made itVERY clear I would have no transport outside of office hours. I just didn't get a job until I was prepared to move to the city and rent a room near the job.

Meanwhile there was no money from parents for non essential spending.

tbf transport shouldn't be an issue for a job that's 1 mile away! Unless the daughter has mobility issues (which I'm sure the OP would have stated already) then there's no reason why an 18 year can't easily manage a walk that distance!

Topsyturvy78 · 08/11/2022 16:14

My friends son got himself a moped. They refused to keep ferrying his dad around. She and her husband though both have health conditions and work full time. They are only just getting back to normal after covid,

MrsRinaDecker · 08/11/2022 16:19

Ds worked from 16 and I don’t think I ever gave him a lift! I did buy him a bike when he started college, and helped pay for driving lessons, so I wasn’t completely hands off, but it was important to him to be as independent as possible.

Leahinlondon · 08/11/2022 16:20

I had a similar commute - maybe 2 miles - to my first job. As it was quite an isolated walk back in the evenings and not the best area, I would just get off the bus and call my mum on the way home. Maybe you could do something similar?

StillWeRise · 08/11/2022 16:21

maybe the OP doesn't need to come back because she has all the evidence she needs right here

LuckySantangelo35 · 08/11/2022 16:37

HoppingPavlova · 08/11/2022 12:57

I disagree. It’s a young woman, safety is an issue, even in broad daylight, and it’s a mile not the other side of the earth. DH and I spent several years spanning our kids getting lifts to/from work which we fitted in around our own extremely busy schedules. Late night pick ups were the best as least likely to interfere with our schedules. Eventually they drive and you can bribe the older ones to pick up the non driving younger ones some of the time😁.

@HoppingPavlova

nah she can walk

don’t be ridiculous

it’s a mile!

thelobsterquadrille · 08/11/2022 16:37

I used to have a similar commute as a young adult and my parents always gave me a lift if it was dark or rainy.

LoveMyCats1 · 08/11/2022 16:41

My mum would have laughed in my face at 18 wanting lifts. Bus, taxi, walk.

frazzledasarock · 08/11/2022 16:43

My DD same age got a job 1.6 miles away from our house. She walked mostly, occasionally she would use a taxi if she overslept or was tired.

DH would go and pick her up and drop her off when he wasn’t otherwise busy but there was no expectation for him to do so, it was a massive favour and she was grateful.

I would have told DH not to bother if she’d been rude and demanding.

Daisychainsx · 08/11/2022 16:46

Charge her for fuel and she mind find she likes cycling!

Daisychainsx · 08/11/2022 16:48

In saying that, my parents ran me to and from work when I was that age as I worked quite far away. They never moaned about it once. I will never forget all of the things they did to help me, wouldn't be where I am now if it hadn't been for their selflessness. I was never rude or stroppy to them tho if I had to get public transport!

Lcb123 · 08/11/2022 16:51

She should definitely walk or cycle when it's daylight, can someone else at her work give her a lift home? That's what I used to do when i worked in a hotel age 14...

notdaddycool · 08/11/2022 16:53

Late night I'd probably do it, especially if it's not the safest place, the rest of the time she can walk.

Sallyh87 · 08/11/2022 17:01

Do you live in rural Ireland where it would be dangerous to walk? I can empathise a bit with your daughter if so.

While I know now that this is unreasonable to feel this way. When I was 18 and stuck living with my parents in the middle of nowhere, where they moved because they like the quiet etc but had no transport links etc I expected them to give me lifts. I couldn’t drive due to health reasons.

While I now recognise that they should live wherever suits them etc I felt quite entitled to lifts as it was there fault I was stuck in the middle of nowhere.

To be fair this is almost certainly me projecting onto a totally different situation 😅

LookItsMeAgain · 08/11/2022 17:09

At 18 yrs old, my son was working and by 19 he learned how to drive. When he was working, he used to cycle to work until he passed his driving test.

Get her the first few driving lessons as a Christmas present and then say that she is to use some of her wages towards more lessons. Before you know it she'll be able to drive and she may even get a different job that requires driving as one of the key skills.
I wouldn't be driving a mile to drop/collect my DD from her work. Unless you're in some really remote rural area where buses/trains/Dart/Luas/taxis are not available, then I'd consider getting her an electric scooter for Christmas if the driving lessons weren't suitable.