to not move to care for elderly parent

[JusteanBiscuits]

My Mum is aging, and the last few months have shown that, while she doesn't need actual care, her needs are increasing and she needs a lot more support in her life. She is in her late eighties, and the issues are both physical and her mind. My Dad died 20 years ago so she is alone.

I live 2 hours away. I have a sister that also lives 2 hours away in opposite direction to me, and a brother who lives locally. My brother helps out, but isn't able to be particularly supportive, and constantly complains about the support he does offer.

I am closest of them all to Mum, and Mum is very strongly hinting that she wants me to move locally so I can help her out more.

My husband works from home, but rule is he has to live within 2 hours of his office in central London as he has to provide in person fixes a couple of times a month. He wouldn't be able to get to central London within 2 hours so his only option would be to leave a job he really loves and bee in for ten years. His skills are quite specialised, so he wouldn't be able to really find a job that pays similar or offers the same work/life balance as he currently has. He is in his late 50's, he really doesn't want to move jobs and really really doesn't want to retrain.
I also work from home, but can work from anywhere. I have to be in London once every 2 months is all. I do have a small voluntary role that I love but would have to leave as it's not a remote sort of thing. I would also be leaving some lovely, close friends behind.

We have teenagers at high school. They're currently at an excellent school they love. Moving would mean attending a frankly shockingly awful school which is currently in special measures (and has been for 3 years). There is only one high school in the area. Only other option is to somehow find the money to send them to private school.

So, the only option that is worth considering is me moving alone and leaving husband and boys behind. I would have to rent somewhere to live, and while property is much cheaper than where we are now, it would still be very difficult to run two households.

It seems an easy "no, I can't do that". But I am getting increasing pressure from family to step up and do my thing. And it is my fault I moved 2 hours away.

Has anyone done something similar and have it work out?

Has her GP referred her to various Social Services who would be able to help her? Pharmacies can deliver medication. Have you consulted organisations like Help the Aged fpr advice?

don't do it.

your marriage and bond with your children will suffer.

i was your son in that situation - from the age of 11, my mum basically gave up work and we moved to be closer to ailing parents. my childhood was never the same.

grandparents eeked a few more years at home but ended up in a home anyway - it just delayed things by 2-3 years.

schools moved, jobs changed, my whole world shifted and the relationship/family dynamic has never got back on track, even now my grandparents are long dead (and frankly never appreciated how much of an impact this had on my siblings and I at all).

i'm still resentful decades later - what should have been a lovely bond between generations ended up being children going wwaaaaay down the priority list, and evenings/weekends spent going over to grans to help with househwork, attending GP visits, collecting prescriptions, doing laudry, taking it back.

my mum might describe fond memories of me doing homework at gran's kitchen table - i would describe a childhood of not being able to go to an after school event or over to a friends house because we had to check in on grandparents.

it was too much. i'm so resentful now.

No,

Your mum has options - one of them being to ask you to move, you're not obliged to say yes just as she's not obliged to say yes to sheltered housing....

None of you are obliged to offer more help than is feasible and your mum needs to make plans around what help her children are able to offer without expecting that help to be you shifting your entire life.

We'll be in a similar position - in-laws have just moved 2+ hours away and we have 2 young children and our jobs here so when they need support, it's just not going to be feasible for us to offer even weekly support

A lot of home care agencies offer shopping and cleaning. Not sure about appointments. Most carers work mornings (getting people up) and evenings (getting them to bed) so there's a lot of slots in between those times where they have people available for the things your mum needs now.
You probably won't get this funded. Its worth applying for any benefits she might be entitled to though.
Once she does need carers in, she will already know them so it makes it easier, when the time comes.

How is her sister supported? Is she in a care home or does she have support from her children. This might be what is influencing your mothers requests for you to support her.

I agree with this.
I am a private carer.
Dont move.
Your Mum needs to move if she won't , carers going into her oR a care home is your only option, your siblings are selfish to put this pressure on you

I agree that sheltered accommodation would be the ideal. But she has completely dismissed
this.

Unfortunately you cannot make an adult make sensible choices.

You also really can't uproot the lives of 4 people for the sake of one, who, with the best will in the world sadly may not benefit from your decision for very long.

I know how hard it is...I gave up my job for 2 years to care for dad on end of life care and support my mum afterwards. I live around the corner so no other upheaval. It is the hardest thing I have done in my 47 years and nearly 3 years after I made the decision I am only just taking baby steps to piece my life back together.

Your siblings are being VU.

Definitely agree it's not reasonable for your whole family to move. Could you spend a week with her each month (esp as you WFH), either staying with her (if it's comfortable enough to sleep on the sofa), or in a local B&B?

If other sister does this also, it would take the burden off brother half the month.

NO no no.

You do not owe your DM the best years of your life. You do not need to feel bad for not subsuming your entire life to her. I have fallen foul of this and I am a personal illustration of the 'sandwich' generation.

What you can do for her is help remotely, find information on sheltered housing schemes, engage with social services when she starts to need care, and educate yourself on what she will/won't be entitled to as she becomes more needy. There are sheltered housing schemes that might work for her.

I'd lay it on the line honestly. Does she realise what she's asking for? That she is more important than your life, your DHs life and your DCs life put together? That you should give up your work and life for her? She may not have the persepctive to see this, but really our siblings should.

Anybody who has been through this will tell you that this is a commitment beyond any reasonable expectation.

Possibly Look at almshouses closer to you, even with equity your mother might be able to rent at a very reasonable cost. .
You alone are not responsible. Family love to offload responsibly to just one member of the family and it is anyone but them.
Even in dire need , shared care is just over 2 days per week each, worse case scenario the care needs sharing.
You can truthfully say you cannot move while you are both working and teenagers are at school

Absolutely not, OP. I'm a big people-pleasing softie and there's no way I would do this. It's not for you to find a definitive solution - you have 2 siblings and a mother who still has capacity. A family conversation is needed - but you aren't responsible for your mother's care, other than as part of a wider unit.
Please don't move your kids OR leave them behind.

No, no, no and no again!!
I say that as ‘the child who lives close by’ in a very similar scenario.
Do not uproot your life - your mum should not get to dictate your choices. I have let this happen for many years and I am an emotional wreck because of it, living partial lives of which none are fulfilling my needs. It’s miserable.
Your mum has options that don’t involve fucking up your life. Explain that to her (in a nice way, of course), but do not budge.

You need to do what's right for you and your family, and the best you can for your Mum.

I'm feeling a similar sort of "guilt", with Mum having Alzheimer's and myself unable to drive to hers more regularly due to physical disability. I'd love to be back in the same village as her, but my sanity requires some outside space and I could not afford that back 'home'. For the moment, my brothers and I work it out, with each doing different things/days, but I feel bad that if I lived nearby I could ensure she had a good diet, a daily walk, etc.

As her Alzheimer's progresses, things will undoubtedly change, but for now the most beneficial thing I've found was a gadget called a TabMate, which has day/time slots for the tablets, and turns to expose the appropriate ones at a set time. Prior to getting that we found that she was forgetting and even sometimes doubling up on her tablets, so it really helps. She still sometimes manages to leave a tablet in the slot, or even miss a bunch altogether, if she's lost track of time and/or isn't near ro hear the alarm go off, but at least then once it moves around to the next lot she can't overdose. For anyone with concerns about medication, I highly recommend it. We tried the dosette boxes first, and it was an improvement on just having various packets and bottles around, but now we get those and transfer them to the TabMate it works much better. That and a calendar in the hall where we write appointments and cat flea treatments etc. down, are very helpful.

Perhaps you can put something in place that ensures contact with you or a sibling on a daily basis, or maybe call the nearby sibling to see if there's something you could do to make life easier when you are able to visit your Mother. They might just appreciate hearing from you and receiving the offer as a reminder that they are not alone, and you 'll help in whatever way you can.

Your mum could sell and rent and if/when the money is gone be eligible for welfare support. she could fund an extension.

Any of that you would want legal advice on. Let mum hint. Answer the phone less quickly to her or anyone pressuring you. There are plenty on options that dont require you to uproot a family.

What someone wants, and what is practical /achievable are often two different things. The reality is that your mum needs sheltered accommodation and care, and between you and your siblings she needs to be brought round to the idea.

You should not uproot your family and leave your DH's job to move to care for her. That would be complete madness. You have lives too, and should not be expected to give them up.

Myself and my friends are all at this stage with our parents. Lots of pressure being put on children to move to where their parents are to look after them, that is just not doable. Parents won't budge. So its carers once a day, up it to twice or three times a day, then personal care, then a home. That seems to be the inevitable chain. Even in sheltered housing carers might be needed. Power of attorney is also v important. You need to get all your siblings on the same page. You must not feel guilty about it.

I don’t believe you ever had any intention of moving but you wanted confirmation that it would be a ludicrous move to make. And it would!

Your post describing hypothetical changes to you and your family don’t tally with your black and white statement of her not moving to your house.

A granny flat/lodge type structure in your garden could be considered.

So sorry you are in this situation. You and your family have your own life, and cannot be expected to move nearer.

My 85 year old aunt on the IOW is in her own one bedroom flat, and I phone her regularly, luckily her neighbour is very good friends with her and I have that reassurance that she will always help if needed. I am encouraging my aunt to get her flat valued, and go and look at the assisted living places available to her on the island. At the moment she doesn't need care, but she has promised to have carers to come in when she feels the need. Not sure she'll realise when she needs them though - she is having a lot of difficulty processing information now - she couldn't understand a very simple mobile phone I sent her. I'd specially typed out the instructions with pictures to make it really easy. Her lovely neighbour went in five times to explain it :(

I am childfree, and a fair few people have commented to me "But who will look after you when you get old?" It's a horrible mindset, to expect your child to relocate and put their life on hold for you, but surprisingly common it seems.

if you have time and money and only if it works with your home life then can you agree to travel down once a fortnight/month and stay over for a night to take a bit of load off your brother? I took over various bits of care for my DM and was only working part-time so made it clear to doctors and eventually social workers etc that I could be available on particular days from and to certain times to fit round our lives at home. My DS lived further away so did less regularly but occasional bigger chunks when she could.
But also sit down with brother/mother/partner/DCs either together or in parts. Your DCs have a future and uprooting them at secondary could be really hard. Your DH is happy at work. You all have far longer to live with consequences of an upheaval - harsh but true. Do what you can, be realistic not guilt tripped and remember No is a complete sentence

You absolutely cannot move closer as a family, and it would also be bonkers to move on your own.

OP: having had experience of long distance parental care I would:

Be absolutely clear with your Mum and siblings that it simply is not possible for you to move.
Say that it is clear that more support is needed so let's make a plan. Impress on your Mum that it is hard because you can't solve all her problems as well as she would like and she might have to get used to some changes, but it is worth trying them out.

Look at what she might be entitled to. If she has frailties, she might well be entitled to Attendance Allowance, your brother's help might count as having been assisting her for 6 months etc. Attendance allowance is not means tested and can be used for a cleaner, taxis, or an actual pop in carer.

Does she have money / savings? A cleaner for an hour or two twice a week might really help her. Especially if you can find more of a housekeeper person .

Could you and siblings chip in to a fund to help her with a cleaner?

Is there a volunteer network in her area that takes people to appointments? In my parents' rural area there is a local charity that provides a driver for elderly people who need to go to hospital for appointments or to visit a close family member.

Commit to regular visits that are achievable. e.g every third weekend, or whatever. Can you stay with your brother if you went up for a 3 day visit every 3 weeks?

Good luck OP. It isn't easy but the answer is not to tear your own life to shreds.

Does she know what sheltered accommodation is like? My grandad went into sheltered accommodation (reluctantly) - was really little difference to that a small flat. There was just a cord you could pull for warden assistance etc. He was very happy there.

An idea would be to take her to see some places - she may well change her mind. I think people have the idea they are like old people's homes.

The alternative would be that the responsibility is shared 3 ways on a weekly/fortnightly basis (and you stay over a night/couple of nights when it is your turn and deal remotely with other issues arising).

A hard one but it is by no means reasonable for you and your entire family to uproot and move (changing jobs and schools etc.).

Just move your mum into supported housing near to you?!

The OP is not going to bring her mum closer to her.

Does she have managed care near her?

One were you have your own flat, but there's communal activities/restaurant etc? And where there is care on hand if you need it