to not move to care for elderly parent

[JusteanBiscuits]

My Mum is aging, and the last few months have shown that, while she doesn't need actual care, her needs are increasing and she needs a lot more support in her life. She is in her late eighties, and the issues are both physical and her mind. My Dad died 20 years ago so she is alone.

I live 2 hours away. I have a sister that also lives 2 hours away in opposite direction to me, and a brother who lives locally. My brother helps out, but isn't able to be particularly supportive, and constantly complains about the support he does offer.

I am closest of them all to Mum, and Mum is very strongly hinting that she wants me to move locally so I can help her out more.

My husband works from home, but rule is he has to live within 2 hours of his office in central London as he has to provide in person fixes a couple of times a month. He wouldn't be able to get to central London within 2 hours so his only option would be to leave a job he really loves and bee in for ten years. His skills are quite specialised, so he wouldn't be able to really find a job that pays similar or offers the same work/life balance as he currently has. He is in his late 50's, he really doesn't want to move jobs and really really doesn't want to retrain.
I also work from home, but can work from anywhere. I have to be in London once every 2 months is all. I do have a small voluntary role that I love but would have to leave as it's not a remote sort of thing. I would also be leaving some lovely, close friends behind.

We have teenagers at high school. They're currently at an excellent school they love. Moving would mean attending a frankly shockingly awful school which is currently in special measures (and has been for 3 years). There is only one high school in the area. Only other option is to somehow find the money to send them to private school.

So, the only option that is worth considering is me moving alone and leaving husband and boys behind. I would have to rent somewhere to live, and while property is much cheaper than where we are now, it would still be very difficult to run two households.

It seems an easy "no, I can't do that". But I am getting increasing pressure from family to step up and do my thing. And it is my fault I moved 2 hours away.

Has anyone done something similar and have it work out?

Absolutely do not move! My mum was reluctant to move into sheltered accommodation, but did in the end. It's been absolutely the best thing for her. Smaller space, far safer for her and she still has the independence of her own front door. Plus alarms on the wall and on her wrist so she can summon help if needed.
She has no care at present but there is a care team on site, so when she needs it, it will be straightforward to organise and she knows the carers as she sees them around.
She's not really made any effort to meet people or make friends, but that is her choice. It's given much greater peace of mind for me and my sisters.
It wasn't an easy conversation and took ages for her to agree, but it did come down to me being very clear what I could and couldn't do and being honest about the fact we were very worried about her.
There's absolutely no way you should move to resolve this

The list of needs can easily be done by your brother, if it was a female doing this no one would bat an eyelid! My brother was local to my mum, popped in every day for a cup of tea, did a bit of shopping etc and as time went on got a cleaner, a carer etc when it became necessary. He accepted he was the closest and did the majority of care, arranging etc.
A move by you is not necessary, both you and your sister could visit once a week alternately, 2 hours isn't that far. I understand that she doesn't want to move as her friends and extended family are nearby but that could change in the future. Definitely get your brother to go to the pharmacy and set up the box for medication. A carer once a day could be useful for making sure she takes the meds and help with personal care. Has she been assessed as needing care yet? Good luck, sorry it only gets harder but it's best to do things gradually imo.

A proper family discussion is required
With your mother included
Say what you are prepared to do
Could you visit at the weekend,or perhaps 2 days during the week

Of course you can't move.

But you're also anticipating and shouldering a lot of issues for other people.

You say your mother is hinting, but then that you are facing pressure. Which is it? People can hint and whinge all they like, but until there's actually a request and a straight up conversation, that's not really something you need to deal with. If they thought they were asking something reasonable, they would ask it, not guilt trip and hint.

Call them out on it. Get them to talk properly about the situation. Don't be the person who ignores the needs of herself and her own family to accommodate the unreasonable wishes of others.

No, just no. If she really cared about you she wouldn't ask this.

Aside from anything else, moving your teenagers from a school they love is a staggeringly bad idea. There are some really good suggestions on this thread. Good luck.

I would recommend

Get power of attorney in place

Apply for attendance allowance

Speak with your brother who lives the nearest

Ask your DM to define exactly what help she wants you to help with. Then you can out source some of the tasks.

Tell your DM that you cannot relocate your whole family

I agree start with some extra visits once a month, every 2 weeks & see if that makes a difference

Get someone in from outside to do some weekly cleaning, small tasks. So that your DM get used to someone from outside the family who can help

Goodluck

Some pharmacy's deliver medication for free. You just need to go to the pharmacy to set it up or go online

Do not do this. Your mum needs to accept she needs paid for care. You would be letting down your family if you did this. How can she even ask when you have a husband and family. I know you are close to her, but have an honest discussion about her care and help her engage carers.Tell her you will not move-enough of the hinting. It’s not fair on your husband and children. I’m Getting old now and couldn’t imagine pressuring my kids to move uprooting their families in order to provide care.

It's as if you are the Cinderella in your family. Move out of your home, uproot your children from the good school, destroy your husband's career and working future, etc, or even move away from your them completely on your own! It's an outrageous suggestion. I'm glad you've had some good advice on this thread.

When my grandparents needed support it was left to my mother and her sister to provide it, even though their three brothers lived locally and they both lived a distance away. They solved the problem by renting a room near my grandparents and going a week at a time - later two weeks at a time. Those of us left at home knew we had two weeks of fixing our own meals, washing our own clothes and getting our stuff together without constant reminders. If we needed help or advice, mom was at the other end of the phone. We survived like that for five years -- and we all learned to cook.

Assisted living is the way forward for your mum. You can't uproot your entire family for one elderly lady.

Not without us building an extension that we honestly can't afford.
For one, sons would have to share, leaving a bedroom that isn't big enough for the son in it - but he has cabin bed etc. And we don't have downstairs toilet or bathroom and she can't manage stairs anymore.

Why is your other sister not helping too, particularly since your mother has been funding her?

I wouldn't be surprised if your brother is suggesting a cleaner, regular carers etc but getting pushed back by your mum.
You say working class background so she may feel a cleaner/carers are wildly extravagant if she's always had to be careful with money. If she doesn't have much in the way of funds talk to social services. Social workers can vary wildly but if you get a good one they are worth their weight in gold. ILs had a couple who were very good at persuading them to do the sensible thing, had clearly seen it all before and coped with FIL getting really, really arsey. Others though were tbh utterly useless and merely made FIL more stubborn.
If she doesn't have much cash and realises carers will he funded she might be more willing to accept them. Attendance allowance can fund a cleaner etc.

Moving would be completely insane, don’t do it. Don’t do it to yourself, your husband or your kids.
What you can say is that she should move into assisted living, or she should pay for help at home.
be clear on what you can do and set boundaries. You can do internet banking, you can do online food orders, you can o up once or twice a month for a day on the weekend.
Then let her and your other siblings work it out.

Jeez, poor mother :/ It was a suggestion for the OP not you so I'll let her decide if it's a "dreadful idea" or not. The OP has already stated they're close and is considering moving to be near her so... (unless the house is way to small or something)

That's fair enough.

Although is there the option of your mother selling her flat to finance a small self contained space for her off yours (or is there not enough space for that either?) If she really is against the idea of assisted living?

Don't move - that is crazy!

Also crazy is the idea she moves nearer you. Her friends network is where she is now, so it makes no sense to remove her from that - all it will mean is that she'll rely on you more and more. And this will affect your own wellbeing.

But do talk to your brother, find out about all of the things others have mentioned, and try to make his life a bit easier. It can't be any fun for him at the moment.

Please don't do this OP, you will regret her being so close to you for the rest of her days. And if your marriage survives it, it will be forever changed.

Your mum needs to move, not you. She could move to supported accommodation but chooses not to, this is not your problem at this stage, although I do see it's a very stressful situation. Does your brother support her much?

Usually in my experiance you move your parent to you not the other way around.

It gives a chance to find more suitible housing for an elderly lone person (like a flat or bungalow) thats easier for them to manage (I lost a grandparent after they fell down a flight of stairs, the broken bones where too much and they never recovered) in and free up money by selling the previous house.

It also makes more sense that 1 person with no responsabilities moves rather than 4+ people massively upheave everything including school and work.

What about going to stay for a few days each month? You could arrange it around whatever appointments she has and work for some of each day. You would be taking some of the burden from your brother without too much upheaval for yourself and family. Your sister also needs to step up and visit regularly.

Bloody hell, how do you know that? It surely depends on her relationship with her mother.