to not move to care for elderly parent

[JusteanBiscuits]

My Mum is aging, and the last few months have shown that, while she doesn't need actual care, her needs are increasing and she needs a lot more support in her life. She is in her late eighties, and the issues are both physical and her mind. My Dad died 20 years ago so she is alone.

I live 2 hours away. I have a sister that also lives 2 hours away in opposite direction to me, and a brother who lives locally. My brother helps out, but isn't able to be particularly supportive, and constantly complains about the support he does offer.

I am closest of them all to Mum, and Mum is very strongly hinting that she wants me to move locally so I can help her out more.

My husband works from home, but rule is he has to live within 2 hours of his office in central London as he has to provide in person fixes a couple of times a month. He wouldn't be able to get to central London within 2 hours so his only option would be to leave a job he really loves and bee in for ten years. His skills are quite specialised, so he wouldn't be able to really find a job that pays similar or offers the same work/life balance as he currently has. He is in his late 50's, he really doesn't want to move jobs and really really doesn't want to retrain.
I also work from home, but can work from anywhere. I have to be in London once every 2 months is all. I do have a small voluntary role that I love but would have to leave as it's not a remote sort of thing. I would also be leaving some lovely, close friends behind.

We have teenagers at high school. They're currently at an excellent school they love. Moving would mean attending a frankly shockingly awful school which is currently in special measures (and has been for 3 years). There is only one high school in the area. Only other option is to somehow find the money to send them to private school.

So, the only option that is worth considering is me moving alone and leaving husband and boys behind. I would have to rent somewhere to live, and while property is much cheaper than where we are now, it would still be very difficult to run two households.

It seems an easy "no, I can't do that". But I am getting increasing pressure from family to step up and do my thing. And it is my fault I moved 2 hours away.

Has anyone done something similar and have it work out?

It's a hard no from me too OP.

If she was in sheltered accommodation would there be someone to take her to appointments?

If she's late 80s would the move straight to a care home be better?

She wants to see more of you and have more help. She's not considering your point of view at all but tbh she's old, so it's for you to be clear what the limits are.

Straining your family in terms of jobs, education etc is not going to help anyone. I'd get her to look around sheltered accommodation, look into someone coming in, make her choice about that and you and siblings arrange a visiting rota you can manage.

If you upheave all your life - tbh she could die the next day. Or she could live another decade. Thinking you'd move for a single year or something would perhaps be a sacrifice worth making, but you can't read the future.

I would hate my DC to do this for me.
Please don't do this, it's not fair on you, your DH or DC.
Pay for carers/support if need be.

I know plenty of people in your situation …the elderly parent has always moved closer to them without exception. Your mother is being unreasonable I’m afraid.

What about getting dom care in a couple of times a day? Then your brother would have some of the load taken off him.

I'm in a very similar position to you and having a lot of pressure put on me to move.

However, I'm going to tell you what I keep having to remind myself about.

We can't.
Our children and their education come first.
Our own relationships comes first
Our parents are more moveable than we are.

We also have a friend (who is disabled) who has a ' lady that does' for her. Essentially someone who is paid to do all the admin parts of life you are referring to. This lady has no special qualifications - she was previously the cleaner and her role just expanded.

It may be worth looking into this - someone that you would pay at an hourly rate to take care of day to day needs. For example, would collect her and take her to doctors appointments. Help with food shopping. Basically a personal assistant. It would not be full time but charged on the hours that they help - some days a hour or two, some days nothing, some days more.

You may be able to get a student to help with this as a part time job. Ask around people you trust to see if they have anyone in mind.

Obviously a cost but cheaper than running another household - and the cost should be shared.

has many friends and more distant family around her
So she has help near her, but she wants you. Well, you have a life and family where you are. Don't even think about leaving your family to do this! If you and your DH want to move closer, then fair enough. But that's not what it sounds like.

Don't do it. You are not responsible for your mother. She will have to pay for care or contact Social Services.

I wouldn’t. You can’t expect your husband and teens to move. I’d look at options for sheltered, it’s the only realistic option if she won’t move to you. There’s a lot of half way options between nursing home and live alone. My mum is 70s but has scoped out one near us for when needed.

Totally bonkers idea. Not a snowball's chance in hell I would be telling my DH he has to give up a job he loves, or teenagers that they leave a school where they are doing well in order to care for DM.

Your DM is making choices about where and how she wants to live, you are perfectly entitled to do the same. My parents live in the middle of nowhere with no public transport and no mobile phone signal because they love the countryside. That's their choice. I have chosen not to live anywhere near them as I don't want to live in a place like that. When they can no longer copt in their bungalow, they will have to move.

I think you should persist with the sheltered housing option. It's the only thing that makes sense.

In the meantime, do as much as you can remotely. And buy in help such as cleaners etc.

Could she come to stay with you one weekend a month? Then you could take her to the hairdressers, chiropodist etc and spend quality time with her.

Don't underestimate the pressure your DB is bearing. Visits, phone calls to guilt trip into a lift to appts, not being able to go out for a drink in case she has a fall. Not being able to switch your phone off at the cinema. Being on call to change lightbulbs, change the clocks. Even if she's not at that point currently, he will be fearing this will be his future. It's not just the physical stuff and time. It's the knowledge that you need to be available at any time.

I'm not saying that to guilt you. Just to explain why he may be expecting unreasonable commitment from you - he's on call 24/7 and possibly starting to (unfairly) resent not having choices or options.

Also think longer term. Your School age children will be 6th form and uni age soon. Being near London may well help them - work experience, internships, university.
If she needs daily care I’d look into paying for a helper.

Your options are:

Sell her property and use the proceeds to build an extension that she lives in with you or one of your siblings

Leave her where she is and build in as much social services care as you can. Each sibling commits to one Friday or Saturday night stay every third week so you can have a real overview of how things are for her and how much she is struggling. You can also factor in online support.

Sell her flat and pay for a care home. The caveat to this as that the proceeds from her flat won't last long in a nice care home. It's shit but the truth.

Rent her flat out and use the rental income to make a dent in care home fees. You are your siblings top up each month as required and then repay yourselves from a future sale of the flat.

All of these options require your mum to be open to some flexibility. You cannot uproot your young family so these are, I believe, all the choices you have.

As someone who cared for a mum with dementia for five years (only child so all fell to me), I would encourage you to engage as much social services help as you can, no matter which option you end up going for.

Good luck

My mum is a similar age but sorts as much of this sort of thing as possible for herself, ( online shopping etc) Has recently accepted to get a cleaner which is great. Me and dsis alternate with two-day visits every few weeks to help 'sort' this and that eg defrosting freezer, working out why the loo wont flush properly, kind of thing. But she is definitely responsible for herself, and acts accordingly. I usually offer to coincide visits with upcoming medical appointments and she something accepts and occasionally even requests this but it isn't generally expected . Tbh I have only really engaged this frequently since the kids moved out, though I did also do some trips when they were teens.

However, while she loves her little house, she is aware she may have ro move. She is even gradually sorting through her stuff to prepare for - well , leaving, however that happens

I think your mum and family are being extremely unreasonable

Sorry - I didn't include live in care as an option as you said she is in a one bedroom flat so not sure this is a viable option.

@JusteanBiscuits I’ve not seen this mentioned but a couple of things you may want to consider.

Power of Attorney (POA) - there are two types, Health & Welfare and Property & Financial Affairs. I believe you can operate as POA for your Mum whilst she has capacity.

If you had POA you could have joint access to online accounts, for example gas, electric, water, TV, insurance, Amazon, etc. So as POA you could set up the accounts in your Mum’s name, both share the password so your Mum can access them but also you can could access the accounts from home.

Set up a separate email e.g. JeanSmithPOA@… This way you can have a separate folder for all emails relating to your Mum’s home, health, finances and care.

Consider a joint bank account so you can pay for anything you order. For example the food shopping, clothes etc. you could use this for DD to pay her household bills. Your Mum would pay a monthly amount in and you manage it. Obviously keep records of what is spent.

Voted YABU to even consider what your mother (and rest of the family are suggesting). There's a lot of help out there so go via ASC and split the support between the 3 of you along with the other great suggestions previously mentioned.

Your brother obviously does a lot and now it's time for you to step up. You need to organise everything you can to help take the pressure off him - cleaner, ordering shopping online, care at home etc - and visit regularly to do what else is needed yourself. It seems a bit as if you're making it either you move there or you don't do much and I'd have thought you need to take a middle way. Despite your mum saying she won't move into sheltered accommodation check what is available because if she suddenly can't cope at all you will need to have a plan.

I found my mum’s area local Facebook group very informative during Covid for finding services. You can search or ask. If there’s family in area ask them they might know someone who wants a little job as a companion no personal care.

Absolutely not.

There is no way I would consider uprooting the lives of my husband and children in such a completely unreasonable way for a parent.

Your mother chose to fund your sister with her care fund and that sister is unavailable to help🙄.

Your mother made HER choices and you have to make yours.

To uproot your family would be unforgivable and utterly selfish IMO.

Apologies for being harsh but I think you need to hear just how unreasonable it would be.

Don't accept any guff from your brother.

Online shopping and perhaps some daily help.

Visit when you can.

But your family cannot be collateral damage in your mothers care.

You sound like a kind woman, but do not do this to YOUR family, or allow yourselfto be used.

Assisted care or a nursing home are best here.

Do not underestimate the blessing you have of children that are happy and content in school, it is not something that every child enjoys.

THEIR happiness and future comes ahead of your mothers needs.

This

She's already said several times that her mum couldn't afford to buy in their area and has rejected sheltered housing. It's also often a bad idea to move people away from their social circle and familiar surroundings, especially if there is even early stage dementia.

Not rtft.

I'm in a bit of a similar situation, mum widowed this year, no family around, rural isolated location, etc etc. Shes 86, takes lots of meds, frail, multiple long-term health issues. I live 2 hours away.

I say this to add to the cacophony.
ABSOLUTELY NOT.

Mum thought about moving here and decided against it (lived there 50 years). She might be as mad as a box of frogs but she would never ever ask me yo move closer.

We manage by:-
weekly asda order
Pharmacy dosette box - delivered to home.
Gardener
Cleaner - in process of finding.
Church lady picks up and takes her on Sunday.
Hosp / docs appt - volunteer car from local charity.
Friends / neighbours phone regularly.

If she is allowed to dismiss sheltered accommodation, you are allowed to say no to moving.