Can I be fat and attractive at the same time?

[Freespirit12]

Inspired by another thread on here which got me thinking.

Since meeting dh, over the years i have put on four(ish) stones.

This is not ideal from a health point of view I know but on a day to day basis I'm ok with it

When I come across posts where partners are demanding that their OH lose weight in order to find them attractive again it makes me doubt my dh who says he still finds me attractive.

I think to myself " does he REALLY fancy me or is he making do?"

I would love to hear from others who are in a similar position where weight gain is not an issue.

Thanks.

I've gained a similar amount over a 25 year marriage. I don't doubt that my husband finds me attractive (he says he does and all the evidence supports that) but I know for sure that he'd find me more attractive at my prior weight and I'd feel happier and more confident as well.

But yes, listen more to your partner than to some random on the internet.

DP and I have both put on weight in the 9 years we've been together. We definitely still find each other attractive.

I fancy my overweight husband. Actual love affection and attraction is more complicated to most than a simple current 'trend'. But, I also know that just being average will get you abuse for being fat , particularly on MN. Where people will judge you to their imagined self rather than their slightly 'imperfect' reality. To me imperfections are actually better as I don't want to live in some identikit dystopia!

Well, think of yourself as curvy and not fat. Some things only you can rock. And work toward health not because of looks but because you want to live a longer life with dear husband. The sexiest woman I have ever met was also a big woman. Everything about her is sexy. Her hair, her face, her make up, the perfect choice of clothes and colour coordination, I a am not even going into the accessories. And the way she position herself, and her voice. Damn ! Just saying. Sophistication is weightless. And kindness and feminism. Go for it. I am sure you are one of the sweetest among us and your husband sees it.

My partner didn't say anything when I gained weight. But he did say how great I looked once I'd started losing it.He also knew how much happier I was being able to physically do things.
Ultimately if I'd have stayed fat, unhealthy and unhappy he wouldn't have said anything but I'm sure he'd be a bit upset inside.

If you do decide to lose weight though, do try and choose a diet/lifestyle choice you actually enjoy though or it will be impossible to maintain.

I can recommend taking it in hand getting fit and losing the weight. Life is so much better. Also if you do nothing you will just keep gradually gaining weight as you age. I lost 2 stone in 2019 and have kept it off and got fit.

Depends on a number things, do you still have a pretty face, good skin & hair, have you gained weight proportionally etc

Also : My hubby has put on weigh and he was pin and needles when we married. I just want him healthy and happy within himself. I will not comment on my pregnant self.

When I think ‘attractive’ I automatically think of a person’s face. I think Melissa McCarthy is gorgeous. Also Queen Latifa, Opera Winfrey, Adele, and Rebel Wilson. Though I know the latter two have lost weight. I guess a lot of that is good genes and makeup though?

Yes. People put on weight. They still fancy each other & have great sex.

Shallow people are obsessed with being skinny & body size. I mean, that's really their issue 🤷🏻‍♀️

Good grief there are some superficial people on here!

My OH is overweight, I'm not. He was slimmer when we met and I still find him as attractive as I did back then.

He has had 2 relationships before ours (1 marriage and 1 rebound) both of these were with women who were much larger than me. I have wondered in the past if he'd prefer me to be curvier but it doesn't seem to bother him either way. As middle aged adults I'd like to think we both find other qualities to purely physical attraction important

Everyone has personal preferences of what they find attractive.
Sometimes that can change as well. Sometimes the weight doesn't matter, or hair or beard or dress style, sometimes it does.
It's really a personal thing.

Of course person can still fancy another even if something changed. Sometimes they don't and that's still quite understandable too (while it stings)

People pretending only superficial people find physical aspects attractive and attractiveness important are kidding themselves. EVERYONE is superficial.
Luckily for everyone, everyone finds something different attractive so we are all sorted😂

I think you can be attractive at any weight if you dress well, do your hair, wear some make up etc and have a decent handbag

I’ve put weight on too since I met my husband but he’s always telling me I’m beautiful and I know he loves how I look - real love isn’t about your dress size

Of course. An awful lot of outward attractiveness is 'styling'. Finding the right clothes for your shape. Beyonce is overweight but looks amazing. So does Lizzo.

Of course there is a point in the super morbidly obese category where a person is no longer as attractive but that's more because of the obvious damage to their health and mobility. I'm tlaking about people who struggle to move freely due to their weight. However, injuries, disbilities and mental health issues can also contribute to supermorbid obesity. It's important not to judge.

I would also say, you DH's attraction to you is based on a lot more than just superficial attractive. IME is you love a partner and have share history with them you also find them attractive. In a way that is very different from comparing women's body sizes on Instagram.

Thankyou for the replies. It has boosted my confidence somewhat.

When I'm having a wobble I go to plus size YouTubers channels which help remind me that you can be attractive at any size. Just seeing their confidence and positivity is encouraging.

I guess attraction is more than just looks. It's shared history, sense of humour, and much more.

Being bullied for being fat for most of my life hasn't helped. Even as an adult I was trolled for everything I put into my mouth by men who I worked with.

The worst things is I was four stone lighter then! They made me feel humongous. Looking back I was absolutely fine, just not stick thin.

So having someone actually say nice things about my body isn't always fully digested by me but I'm working on it.

Ive lost about 1.5 stone this year and don't really care about what I look like but I feel so so so much better. More energy, better sleep, can move faster. But I have never really cared about looks.
However I can recognise other do. My friend is the same size I was and she is far more attractive than me. She has a beautiful face, is very good at make up and styling herself and rocks her curves.

I've lost 12kg now this year.

My motivation really wasn't about being more attractive, in fact to answer your question I don't think I do look more attractive, so no.

However, being overweight has health consequences, particularly as one gets older. What I do think is more attractive is the fact I'm not limping due to knee and back pain; that I have better energy levels for family life and I am just more comfortable in every day life. I also don't want to start with weight reared health issues. So those things are definitely more 'attractive' for myself, hubby and my kids

I don't think it's as simple a people who dont fancy fat people are superficial. Sometimes being fat can have negative connotations such as laziness, poor health etc - although I know this isn't always true.

I also think people fancy different things. It may also be that because your DH loves you, he fancies you, whereas if he walked past you in the street he wouldn't.

Personally, I'm not attracted to fat people but I mean 'fat' rather than slightly overweight. If my DH became 'fat' I would have a conversation with him about it. I would also never let myself get that way (obviously pregnancy not included) for a variety of reasons, attractiveness, general respect from people, health, fitness, life span and above all because once you get a certain size and age, even if you lose weight you'll never 'snap back', iyswim.

Yes. Attractiveness is subjective - society rotates through different ideals of beauty, and right now the beauty standard is on the thinner side, but that hasn't always been the case. But that's at a population level - at an individual level, there has always been and will always be people who find bigger bodies not only attractive, but far more attractive than any other type. DH actively dislikes skinnier/slim frames and doesn't find them attractive, for example - he's never dated a woman smaller than probably a size 14.

So you can believe your partner when he says he's attracted to you.

But also attraction is so much more than just that: you can fancy someone because of who they are or the way they laugh or a million little things that aren't 'how is the weight distributed on their body'. Society teaches us to equate thinness with beauty and it gets stuck in our heads and we assume we're unloveable if we're bigger but it just isn't true - a large part of that is on you to unlearn, hard as it is.

with a 4 stone eight gain she is likely to be fat
using the word curvy is why we have an obesity problem and I say that as someone who is overweight (not obese which is BMI of 30).

Over the last 34 years that I’ve known DP my weight has varied between 9 and 18 stone (more than once sadly) currently 15 stone and aiming to get back to 10
According to DP he still finds me attractive at any weight - at top end he worries about my health at bottom end he thought I’d gone too low
He prefers curvy women but leaves it up to me it’s my body
When I met him he was far too skinny to be attractive to me - in his 50s he put on a bit too much and I worried about health - now he’s about average

I’ve gained 3 stone in the 32 years I’ve been married to DH. DH gained weight then lost it. He has never said anything to indicate he finds me less attractive now and still wants to have sex with me.

Yes I agree with this. I know this is unpopular but the vast majority of people are more attractive when they are a healthy weight rather than underweight or overweight, but it doesn't mean that a partner doesn't still find you attractive.