To think a man has no place at a breastfeeding support group

[Was1anddone]

Went to a local breastfeeding group today ran by the local council and was surprised to see a boyfriend/husband in tow.

I had visited because I had a latching problem that needed the consultant’s hands on support, like many women do. I happily feed in front of male strangers and family members when baby is hungry, but this is not as ‘intimate’ as coming to a clinic where the lactation consultant may need women to expose their breasts, manoeuvre babies and do compressions.

I expressed my suspense to the consultant who wasn’t very happy to see him there and asked if I needed to go somewhere more private. So I spent my breastfeeding support session in between two bookshelves in a children’s centre, which wasn’t what I had in mind.

i’m going to check with the council for clarification but but AIBU to think this should be women only? Nothing about it was appropriate at all, and he was very much ‘watching’ all of us.

there are plenty of things men can do to be equal parents and be involved in the process. If he wanted consultant level advice on how to support his partner with feeding- he could have arranged a £20 zoom session. Why can’t we just have a bloody breastfeeding session?

yes the woman may be ND or have anxiety (didn’t get those vibes from her at all though- presented as NT and very chatty and personable but I understand needs can be hidden or masked) but surely a female chaperone or friend would be more appropriate? And if she didn’t have this the council should offer something more suitable? Our dignity shouldn’t be second to her requirements, if this was the case.

my breastfeeding problem needs lots of compressions and swapping sides so my support was greatly hindered by him being there having a laugh and a cuppa. I’m so pissed off :(

Personally, I am not saying that any of the dads on this thread wanted to see breasts. They probably didn't. But it still makes women uncomfortable. Just like if a woman went to see a prostate examination, she may not be interested in seeing penises. But still makes men uncomfy.

yanbu im sure Precious could have done without her blokes support for an hour if that was it.

Tbh for me, a man at a bf group = weirdo or controlling his partner and won't let her out his site

If I needed support during a smear then, yes, he'd be there. Why does that upset you so much? Does your DH not give you support? Was he not at the birth of your DCs because, surely, that's a much closer analogy than a smear seeing as a smear doesn't involve his child but both breastfeedng and giving birth do? Or do men only attend the birth to get to see a vagina in your world (newsflash, if they're at the birth of their child then they'll have seen one before)!

He shouldn't be there.

The (wholly unnecessary) presence of a man at such a group would mean I couldn't attend for cultural/religious reasons.

How do you know?

You have absolutely no idea what other women in the group thought or said afterwards. The most you can reasonable say therefore is that we don't know what the other women thought, and we do know that the OP was uncomfortable.

That's enough.

I think it's the clinics place here actually.rhey should have accommodated for a separate area or time for mum and dad/ male support. For lots of woman bf can be extremely traumatic/difficult and for some their male counterparts are key to helping them through it.
Bf like doing it in public shouldn't be a problem.but as it's a clinic I get it.but men should be able to support their partners andvthay I see it as a good thing if they are getting educated and sometimes they just don't fucking get it.

"Unless it’s advertised as such it’s silly for the OP to assume"

I agree it's ridiculous to assume that a breastfeeding group would only be for people with breasts that are breastfeeding their babies.

Ridiculous, I tell yah!

I unsure about this

if this person is going to support their dp then why can't they come to learn how to support

would it be better to have sessions purely for this support and then purely for this not wanting males in the room

Why is it silly to assume a breastfeeding group, for people with lactating breasts, is a women’s only space? It’s not a wildly illogical leap that a space with female nudity involved might be female only? It’s very much on the organisers to advertise that men may be in attendance as that’s the greater leap of logic.

We still have a huge house work and child care gap.

But I'm sure men see the first glass ceiling that needs shattering is watching women breastfeed.

I volunteer at a breastfeeding support group. Men can accompany their partners and for some of our mums they can't get there without their partner's support (driving them, carrying car seat etc post c section)

That said, if you'd been at our group and expressed the desire to be female only, we'd have asked him to leave / wait outside for his partner.

If you go back (which you should because if you need the support take it) talk to the counsellor and say you weren't happy with moving and you'd rather the man was asked to wait outside.

Because it is helpful for dads to have an understanding of what women go through with breastfeeding and to help and support them.

It's not a prostate exam though because breastfeeding isn't a medical procedure, it's a parenting decision - and he's a parent too. And, keep in mind, if a woman went with her husband to his prostate exam because he wanted her support then they'd let him in.

Banning men makes some women uncomfortable. Welcoming men makes some women uncomfortable. There needs to be compromise from both sides - but I only see one side actually willing to compromise here.

Would Muslim women be comfortable there? Or any others who are 'modest' (for want of a better word) in front of men?

I fed anywhere and everywhere, but as covered as I could be. I wouldn't want to be 'handled' in front of a strange man, which I needed when starting out.

But that's all irrelevant, if you're comfortable having your DH at intimate examinations then great, that's your decision to make. A man at a group of which a large part of it is women (who are actually quite vulnerable as new mums imo) seeking support with their latch etc so will have their breasts out is completely different. You can't make that decision fairly on behalf of other women. If you attend a private session then of course that's great if he goes. It's not even about whether he wants to get his rocks off looking at breasts or not, it's about how a man, any man's presence at this type of things makes other women feel.

Even as a mum who BF discreetly in public, I would not feel at all happy about this. It's supposed to be a supportive space for women, and such a space saved my BF relationship when I was on my knees and nearly crackers from lack of sleep during the first 12 weeks.

There's a trend of late for men to assume entitlement to everywhere specifically singled out as 'women only'. The women whose husbands appear in these places - BF groups, maternity wards - always insist they need the help, and that the man has 'just as much right' there as the baby's father. Screw the other mums, of course. The wives of such husbands will object vociferously when other women (the actual patients or service users) voice even the mildest of complaints.

My own DH wouldn't dream of insinuating himself into spaces designated for females, especially where they are in a state of vulnerability or undress. Aside from making them feel uncomfortable, he would also feel deeply uncomfortable attending a BF support group. He - as I - is also of the theory that the type of pointy-elbowed man who coopts female spaces by means of his divine, sex-decreed privilege, is precisely the type of man who has no business near them in the first place.

Stories like this make me so angry. You are FAR from being unreasonable, OP.

Yep, some couple are so joined at the hip, it's like they've merged into one person!

No men at breastfeeding sessions. What an absolute nightmare for you! Whilst we're at it, no men on the post natal ward overnight either!

Mummmbles you sound a bit frantic. Obviously it's more like thinking because a man's been at his own DC's birth, he can go and watch another woman's birth. It's not watching his own partner BF that's the concern, it's the other women not wanting men around while they BF.

And for the mum cheerily saying her DH certainly didn't want to watch other women's boobs, I wonder if they knew that? And I wonder if what's true or your H is true for all men? Some men are weird pervs, does that mean your DH is? No? So it's not reversible then.

IDK, I remember going to a breastfeeding support group and leaving DH outside in the car, but the organisers said he'd be welcome to come in to the next one. Which I needed really, he was a big help in checking latch etc and I was in a right state. I think he did come to the next one, no one batted an eyelid.

Some posters probably didn't even think about this or care really, they don't see the need to exclude men from something that they don't need to be at.

YANBU but there are always some women who can’t do anything without a man in tow, usually citing something nebulous about their mental health

It's disgusting & reading this has made me so angry.
Women's safe spaces are slowly being taken away from us. First it's changing rooms, then our toilets, now it's breastfeeding sessions.
Can't we have anything that is just for us?

If you don't want to expose yourself in front of the opposite sex I don't see how you could 'compromise'

They can get that understanding at home, just by existing in proximity to it. The difficulties aren’t subtle, especially in the early days.