To think a man has no place at a breastfeeding support group

[Was1anddone]

Went to a local breastfeeding group today ran by the local council and was surprised to see a boyfriend/husband in tow.

I had visited because I had a latching problem that needed the consultant’s hands on support, like many women do. I happily feed in front of male strangers and family members when baby is hungry, but this is not as ‘intimate’ as coming to a clinic where the lactation consultant may need women to expose their breasts, manoeuvre babies and do compressions.

I expressed my suspense to the consultant who wasn’t very happy to see him there and asked if I needed to go somewhere more private. So I spent my breastfeeding support session in between two bookshelves in a children’s centre, which wasn’t what I had in mind.

i’m going to check with the council for clarification but but AIBU to think this should be women only? Nothing about it was appropriate at all, and he was very much ‘watching’ all of us.

there are plenty of things men can do to be equal parents and be involved in the process. If he wanted consultant level advice on how to support his partner with feeding- he could have arranged a £20 zoom session. Why can’t we just have a bloody breastfeeding session?

yes the woman may be ND or have anxiety (didn’t get those vibes from her at all though- presented as NT and very chatty and personable but I understand needs can be hidden or masked) but surely a female chaperone or friend would be more appropriate? And if she didn’t have this the council should offer something more suitable? Our dignity shouldn’t be second to her requirements, if this was the case.

my breastfeeding problem needs lots of compressions and swapping sides so my support was greatly hindered by him being there having a laugh and a cuppa. I’m so pissed off :(

😂

How about if the majority of the women were uncomfortable?

Can't imagine many women going to a prostate support group...

The number of women who want privacy will shrink when men stop sexually abusing them. Until then the number is not shrinking.

I think you are so open minded that your brain has fallen out

Did you not go with your children to their vaccinations?!

Also, can you not read? Read the opening line of the comment of mine that you replied to before you start getting nasty and accusing my DH of "making other women uncomfortable".

Equally, all the "female friends" everyone on this thread keeps banging on about aren't breastfeeding either. Having breasts yourself is far less relevant to being in a breastfeeding group than having a breastfeeding infant!

I think you can guess why!!!!

I agreeOP.

I have run breastfeeding support groups for years and no men allowed.
Pregnant and breastfeeding women only.

Why is it for the better to remove dignity for women?

Men can't breastfeed. They don't need to be in breastfeeding groups.

It’s been over a decade since I went to my brilliant support group. It was very clear that men had to wait outside. If men want to support there are a hundred other ways to do it.

Why didn't the consultant ask him to leave?

It sounds like you should have been supported at home, not dragged out to a group.

@Mummbles aww your poor ikkle DH my heart bleeds for him! How many Mums would have stopped breastfeeding because of his hurt feelings?

@Mummbles did he also sit in on your smears, curtain open to watch what was hsppeneing? ? Because that's a closer analogy than vaccinations.

And when dads aren't there, they're called lazy and uninterested 🤷‍♀️

Not muddled. He could've been there for the same reason as any mother - to ask questions, seek support, identify what's going well/wrong/etc. You do realise that if men want to see breasts then there are far, far, far easier ways to do so, right?

When my teenagers were tiny I was a breastfeeding peer support worker at a local breastfeeding cafe. No-one ever had any issues on the occasions where partners came along as well. (We'd always check and see.) The men never "watched" anyone but the partner they were supporting; in fact the lengths most of them would go to to not lay eyes on any of of the other mothers there could be quite entertaining.

Just take one dc to the group while dp stays at home with the other?
The support group is for the mum so you don't need both babies present.
Or even in the car if you really need to swap.

I'd be annoyed at this op - if everyone present bought their dps it wouldn't feel like a particularly safe, intimate group would it?

The majority of dps will soon be back in work - if the mum can't cope without them at an hour long support group how is she going to cope then?

If there are very rare exceptions when the mum actually needs dp present there can be workarounds that don't impact on the other women present - e.g.discussing with group leader beforehand so they leave that mum until last and help everyone else first, dp then comes in at the end so other women can leave if they want. Or that mum and dp can be the ones squished behind bookshelves!

Yanbu, but women aren't allowed any safe spaces anymore the men might get upset. If a father wishes to support the mother then there are ways beyond sitting in on a session like this.

Yes. You need to check the group details - was it advertised as women-only?

If you go to an existing group without checking if it's women-only, you can't really complain when you have made an assumption.

It's 2022 and men are more involved in parenting than ever before - which on the whole is a brilliant thing.

If you want a group that doesn't allow men, then find one or request for one to be started. But some people want a group that does allow men and that's equally legitimate for those people.

Why on earth would a bf group actively encourage men to attend?!

I'm being thick here.

Apart from making you comfortable and bringing loads of drinks, what is your partner supposed to do?

My DH left the feeding aspects of our children to me. I don't know, even when I struggled a bit, what he could have done?

I volunteer at a BF support group, and we occasionally have men attend, usually when their partner has just given birth. It's not really been an issue in my group as far as I can tell, we have different seating areas so that women can move if they want a bit more privacy when talking to the breastfeeding counsellor. The men that come have been very much focused on their partner but it would be inappropriate for them to stare so it does sound like on this occasion he was acted inappropriately.