To think a man has no place at a breastfeeding support group

[Was1anddone]

Went to a local breastfeeding group today ran by the local council and was surprised to see a boyfriend/husband in tow.

I had visited because I had a latching problem that needed the consultant’s hands on support, like many women do. I happily feed in front of male strangers and family members when baby is hungry, but this is not as ‘intimate’ as coming to a clinic where the lactation consultant may need women to expose their breasts, manoeuvre babies and do compressions.

I expressed my suspense to the consultant who wasn’t very happy to see him there and asked if I needed to go somewhere more private. So I spent my breastfeeding support session in between two bookshelves in a children’s centre, which wasn’t what I had in mind.

i’m going to check with the council for clarification but but AIBU to think this should be women only? Nothing about it was appropriate at all, and he was very much ‘watching’ all of us.

there are plenty of things men can do to be equal parents and be involved in the process. If he wanted consultant level advice on how to support his partner with feeding- he could have arranged a £20 zoom session. Why can’t we just have a bloody breastfeeding session?

yes the woman may be ND or have anxiety (didn’t get those vibes from her at all though- presented as NT and very chatty and personable but I understand needs can be hidden or masked) but surely a female chaperone or friend would be more appropriate? And if she didn’t have this the council should offer something more suitable? Our dignity shouldn’t be second to her requirements, if this was the case.

my breastfeeding problem needs lots of compressions and swapping sides so my support was greatly hindered by him being there having a laugh and a cuppa. I’m so pissed off :(

Quite right.

My 'Nigel' was a lot more use to me making meals and bringing cups of tea when I was sitting on my arse for hour after hour after hour feeding my very clingy little comfort-suckler. Or taking expressed milk in a bottle and giving me a whole night's desperately needed sleep on the few occasions I thought that if I didn't get some shuteye, I'd go completely mad. Or doing baths and getting up early with the baby to give me chance of a bit of a sleep in, having been up with the kid most of the night before.

I didn't need his assistance at my HV appointments, or with the lactation consultant and BF group. There are more ways of supporting a breastfeeding mum than sitting through every part of the process, muscling in on other mums' space, or causing them to feel uncomfortable.

The comments about lesbians or bisexual women ogling other women are really, REALLY offensive, BTW. If you're struggling to wonder why, check out the statistics of which sex is overwhelmingly responsible for sexual crime and assault.

Big, massive fuck-off clue: it's not women.

They can’t. But the organisers are far too busy being woke to care about this.

I think the point is in order to be a proper peer support group there is no place for men in a breastfeeding group. If men attend then it is no longer a peer group support. In addition if men attend this will naturally exclude women who can't or won't share spaces with men.

If a woman needs additional support that includes a person who is not in need of peer support (that is someone who is not the breastfeeder) then she should seek it elsewhere.

The alternative is the displacement of a woman from her own peer group;

There are no reasonable grounds upon which this can happen. Women should have the right to support from a peer group with the same needs as her without people who don't share those needs, even if those people feel that they take on a caring role or are otherwise important to individuals within that group.

He’s a bit of a knob when he’s been drinking, but mostly he’s a decent guy, thanks 😀

His response: “I’d be very embarrassed, and kind of overwhelmed by a room full of women and newborns discussing their nipples and latching, etc. I definitely wouldn’t be staring, I wouldn’t know where to put my eyes tbh, I’d probably stare at the floor! I’d happily help my own partner with this stuff, if I could, I’m very familiar with her boobs (they’re fantastic). It would just feel wrong to make other women uncomfortable by my being there - yes to a sense that I shouldn’t be there, violating some unspoken boundaries, I can’t think how else to put it 🤷‍♀️“

I doubt there are countless women in the UK utterly puzzled during the night because they didn’t take A Man along to a breastfeeding group to do Man Things like remembering what the lady said.

Even if that did happen it’s not NEARLY a good enough reason to shit all over women’s safe spaces

it never happened! Can you imagine? Needing A Man to tell you how to breastfeed, because he thinks he knows how from watching random women doing it a support group he never should have been at?!

But lesbians breastfeeding have a right to be there. Aside from the fact that 99% of sexual offenders are men, it’s not about being stared at - it’s about being comfortable. There’s a reason so many spaces (where you won’t be naked) are sex segregated - because it’s about comfort. Women shouldn’t have to fear sexual assault before they’re listened to

Unsupportive men result in lower levels of breastfeedingDo you have a source for this?

Men can be supportive without encroaching on women’s spaces

Dear god I know these groups are often run by volunteers but the total inconsideration of things are infuriating - having an inaccessible clinic? I hope no disabled mothers wanted to attend!

Also it excludes trans men who are breastfeeding

Returning to this thread and then muting it and moving on with my life, but I will speak to the children’s centre and ask why staff buzzed him through when it is a women’s only group. Even if there is some severe issue which means his DP wants him there- they should both be supported as a couple through HVs, private sessions and other alternative provision.

A few things

1. Another woman was there and was feeding openly before he arrived, then wound herself up in a huge itchy woollen scarf. She also had to have a latch check with him sat next to her. She was very much angling her body away from him so she couldn’t be seen.

2. tbh…. all of the open feeding stopped when he arrived and turned into more of a playgroup with the babies on the floor.

3. I have got even more pissed off thinking of the above that the consultant didn’t intervene at all and I was made to hide rather than him being told to piss off.

4. my eyes have been rolling back in my head reading about the other nigels who just had to be there and were SO SUPPORTIVE and how men who wouldn’t want to be there are ‘cave men’ and unequal parents.

my DH is an incredibly equal parent from a culture where men just do more and he would never ever dream of steeping foot in a breastfeeding group to respect the women present’s privacy and dignity. It’s been really good and heartening to hear about how the vast majority of other men feel the same.

5. any man who goes to a breastfeeding support group for women is at best, selfish and at worst, fucking dangerous. I’m pleased I’m not married to one of these tossers and even more delighted I haven’t bred with one.

off to do my breast compressions and power pumping without someone’s hairy husband eyeballing me. Thanks for the support. X

I know, when we all know that most men probably just snore through the night feeds 😂

It doesn't, as transmen are women.

Well said @Was1anddone

Nigel's 😂

I know (I was maybe being slightly facetious 🫢) my point is these woke organisers aren’t even being woke properly because they should have said:
Women
those who identify as women
Trans men
Anyone with lactating breasts
Anyone with lactating chests

Because the important thing here is they include every speshul group

I can see both sides here. My DH is deaf and I've needed to go to several appointments etc that have got some odd looks to translate for him. There could be some very real and not clear issues why she needed him there.

Really they need more provision e.g. a room that is women only and another family room for people who bring someone with them. You are absolutely within your rights to not want a man in the room, but she also has rights to support.

Spat my tea out ☕️
Ffs, biologically NO

Biologically trans men aren’t women?

Apologies are they transitioning in or out or doing the Okey Cokey ?

@OhIdoLike2bBesideTheSeaside if I thought for a hot second that an attitude like yours would be present at a bf support group I wouldn't be there because who needs that toxicity and judgement. I'd rather sit in a room with someone's husband than another woman who would shame someone who's struggling any day of the week. This thread has clearly shown there's a need for a variety of spaces as different women have clearly got different needs and what works for one won't always work for another. The important thing here is that women get more choices and flexibility so they can empower themselves through feeding as they feel fit.

🤣🤣 trans men are biologically women who identify as men….but often still give birth and breastfeed, two of the most biologically female things you can do. Really those kinds of mental gymnastics could be an Olympic sport

I agree - I mean I’d rather poke myself in the eyes with another woman’s nipples than sit in a group with a woman who bangs on about being empowered through breastfeeding.
I’m all for labelling the groups too:
The no Nigel’s group
The hippy empowerment group
The no nonsense group - we are all here for one thing and it’s not fucking empowering
The I’m fucking knackered group

And this is where mangled language gets us. Trans men are women who identify as men. They are biologically women.

PMSL! I would sign up for the no Nigels no empowerment fucking knackered group.