To think a man has no place at a breastfeeding support group

[Was1anddone]

Went to a local breastfeeding group today ran by the local council and was surprised to see a boyfriend/husband in tow.

I had visited because I had a latching problem that needed the consultant’s hands on support, like many women do. I happily feed in front of male strangers and family members when baby is hungry, but this is not as ‘intimate’ as coming to a clinic where the lactation consultant may need women to expose their breasts, manoeuvre babies and do compressions.

I expressed my suspense to the consultant who wasn’t very happy to see him there and asked if I needed to go somewhere more private. So I spent my breastfeeding support session in between two bookshelves in a children’s centre, which wasn’t what I had in mind.

i’m going to check with the council for clarification but but AIBU to think this should be women only? Nothing about it was appropriate at all, and he was very much ‘watching’ all of us.

there are plenty of things men can do to be equal parents and be involved in the process. If he wanted consultant level advice on how to support his partner with feeding- he could have arranged a £20 zoom session. Why can’t we just have a bloody breastfeeding session?

yes the woman may be ND or have anxiety (didn’t get those vibes from her at all though- presented as NT and very chatty and personable but I understand needs can be hidden or masked) but surely a female chaperone or friend would be more appropriate? And if she didn’t have this the council should offer something more suitable? Our dignity shouldn’t be second to her requirements, if this was the case.

my breastfeeding problem needs lots of compressions and swapping sides so my support was greatly hindered by him being there having a laugh and a cuppa. I’m so pissed off :(

Latching can be tricky. Breastfeeding can take weeks to establish. There are loads of factors affecting it - it's very much not a case of 'grasping simple instructions'.

Already asked and answered upthread. Men are statistically far more likely to be violent, commit sexual assault, rape, harass, intimidate, grope, leer and stare than lesbian or bisexual women.

It’s also not simply “looking at boobs”. It’s about women’s right to have a female-only space at a particularly stressful and vulnerable time, without a bloody man there.

I was going to ask why, was it just because he had a sense that he just shouldn't be there, or that he'd be embarrassed, or not be able to stop himself staring.

But actually whatever his reasons (and I think tbh for most men it would be all 3) your brother is a decent man

^This^

My husband came along to a breastfeeding support clinic with me...First one I went to and I wasn't aware it was a group thing.
Lucky he came, because it was upstairs with no lift and I definitely needed help up the stairs.
He waited outside the room though when he realised it was a group session. He'd have felt as, or more awkward than anyone in there.

Weird if the guy stayed in there. But someone should have told him it wasn't appropriate/other people were uncomfortable. Did the consultant say anything to him?

But the rest of the group were really not going to say that your Hs presence was unacceptable. You should have arranged a private session. It’s just not on that other women’s privacy was sacrificed for your benefit.

@NoNamesLeft234678

OK I'll bite.

It's a women's group. Clue's in the name. For women.

Any lesbians or bisexual women there would be focussed on feeding their babies. In a group of women.

And I have been in plenty of public single sex spaces with women and never once felt uncomfortable or creeped out. Because women tend not to do that to other women.

Yanbu at all

👏👏👏

He shouldn't have been allowed in, these groups aren't only for advice, they are also a lifeline for women who are being abused.
If his partner needed him then they should have been the ones to sit between the bookcases, it's ridiculous how some men (and their partners) think it's acceptable to gatecrash women only events because they now have a baby

If there was an erection support group for men suffering from erection problems and there would a consultant there to physically check for no issues, lumps etc. You can be 100% sure that women would not be welcome. Yet women are not allowed to have their own privacy.

@NoNamesLeft234678 when's the last time you've come across rape/sexual harrassment/unwanted advances/intimidation/ogling perpetrated by a lesbian or bisexual woman?

The answer is probably never.

Apples to oranges.

100% wrong and I hope that in future they ask husbands and male partners to wait outside or in the car. I remember how vulnerable I was when struggling to BF and had terrible mastitis (ended up on a drip for 5 days for IV antibiotics it was that bad) and if a man was there when I was discussing and showing midwife’s I wouldn’t have been comfortable. The staff need to step up and ask men to wait outside

I would have left. There would be no way that I would stay if a man was there.

There was a poster upthread saying her mom joined her father in a support group for men who experienced injuries from circumcision/vasectomies. The mind boggles...

I can see both sides to this - yanbu at all to want your bf support to happen in a female only environment and to have been uncomfortable with what ended up happening. The other side is that this woman might genuinely be struggling with attending alone or might need her partner there to help her process or remember information, or maybe she had a c section and needs to be careful with the pushchair etc. I have no idea what the solution is but the male partner and the women who don't want him there should all be accommodated somehow

Why? It’s a womens support group. If you need a man there it’s not the right group for you. It’s not hard.

That fence must be giving you awful splinters!

I’m not sure why my post has made you so indignant - I was just sharing my experience. Another poster has pointed out that a breastfeeding clinic is quite different to a peer breastfeeding support group and they are right. I should have considered that before posting. To be clear, at the drop in clinic I attended, the majority of new mothers were with their partners (the more experienced breast feeders were not but that seemed more because their partners were no longer on paternity leave).

How can men breastfeed though?

The posters banging on about why their Nigel has to be there make me feel queasy.

No. Men do not belong at a breastfeeding support group. Not ever. Their involvement stops at the door. Beyond that door is for women, breastfeeding women who need support.

Why is this so difficult to understand for some?

Yep

Also gain some independence from him - go and make friends and find out how to do things on your own. It’s not healthy to be in such a Co-dependent relationship

"I'm not saying I would be comfortable with men watching me breast feed, and I completely relate to those who want a female only space.
But I would do my research about the group I was attending before going."

This, to me, seems to place a barrier in the way of women getting breastfeeding support. A lactation consultant service is primarily to serve the person who is lactating. The non-lactating person can sit in the car or another room. If needed, there can be a separate group for spouses/partner of the breastfeeding mother, where techniques can be taught such as providing nutritious meals for the breastfeeding mother, bringing her water so she can stay hydrated, getting up in the night to change diapers and rock the baby back to sleep, and other emotional/logistic support that will allow the breastfeeding mother to have a successful experience. Those techniques do not need to be taught in a group of breastfeeding mothers, some (many?) of whom may not want their breasts to be viewed by men who have not been vetted or trained in proper behavior when around women who are being exposed for medical reasons.

The whole point of a breastfeeding support group is the idea that the other people there are all women who share your experience and therefore it's ok for you all to uncover yourselves because you are all nursing mums.

They can’t. Men don’t have breasts.

(But I know this was a rhetorical question)