To think a man has no place at a breastfeeding support group

[Was1anddone]

Went to a local breastfeeding group today ran by the local council and was surprised to see a boyfriend/husband in tow.

I had visited because I had a latching problem that needed the consultant’s hands on support, like many women do. I happily feed in front of male strangers and family members when baby is hungry, but this is not as ‘intimate’ as coming to a clinic where the lactation consultant may need women to expose their breasts, manoeuvre babies and do compressions.

I expressed my suspense to the consultant who wasn’t very happy to see him there and asked if I needed to go somewhere more private. So I spent my breastfeeding support session in between two bookshelves in a children’s centre, which wasn’t what I had in mind.

i’m going to check with the council for clarification but but AIBU to think this should be women only? Nothing about it was appropriate at all, and he was very much ‘watching’ all of us.

there are plenty of things men can do to be equal parents and be involved in the process. If he wanted consultant level advice on how to support his partner with feeding- he could have arranged a £20 zoom session. Why can’t we just have a bloody breastfeeding session?

yes the woman may be ND or have anxiety (didn’t get those vibes from her at all though- presented as NT and very chatty and personable but I understand needs can be hidden or masked) but surely a female chaperone or friend would be more appropriate? And if she didn’t have this the council should offer something more suitable? Our dignity shouldn’t be second to her requirements, if this was the case.

my breastfeeding problem needs lots of compressions and swapping sides so my support was greatly hindered by him being there having a laugh and a cuppa. I’m so pissed off :(

This is completely different.
There is no need for men in breastfeeding group and it's not NICU (where men need to be) or public space.
Women can feel very vulnerable and uncomfortable talking about their problems while half naked in small space with strange men.

Breastfeeding groups are designed for breastfeeding women.

Hell no.

Why would you think that because the midwife used both H and I to enable my baby to learn to breast feed?

The amount of vitriol on this thread is appalling. Some posters should be ashamed of themselves. Disagreement doesn't need such unkindness accompanying it.

Gosh - I went to a well known private drop in breastfeeding clinic in London when my daughter was born and a lot of men were there with their partners (mine included). It was run in a house with lots of different rooms so I guess if any were uncomfortable they could find another section to sit in but not once was it suggested husbands shouldn’t be coming.

Until reading this post, I never gave a second thought to any of the men there. I appreciate that is just my experience but I don’t agree that it should always be expected that men are not welcome or it’s obvious just because it is a breastfeeding clinic that it is only for women.

Such is the arrogance of some men that they can never ever comprehend that women don’t want them around.

Why would you think that because the midwife used both H and I to enable my baby to learn to breast feed?

Maybe because you said you both 'lived and breathed baby'- 'we are pregnant' isn't much of a stretch from that.

And a baby isn't enabled to learn to breastfeed by a man, what nonsense.

Male support as in not hassling them to stop. Doing their fair share around the house to ensure partner has the time and energy to feed. Defending them against unhelpful relatives. But not physically being there for every feed and positioning the breast and giving technical advice.

But the OP was at a breastfeeding support group, not a clinic. They are very different.

I'm sure there are private areas and curtains, anyway I doubt a man in an NICU with his desperately sick baby is going to be much in the mood for ogling women breastfeeding. Doctors and nurses are medical professionals. Not comparable at all.

The amount of vitriol on this thread is appalling. Some posters should be ashamed of themselves. Disagreement doesn't need such unkindness accompanying it.

Unfortunately breastfeeding discussions always end up like this. I really dont understand why it happens.
I mean I understand that some people feel strongly that a bf support group should be women only and they're outraged that others might not see that but why they have to get so condescending and mean I just can't really get my head around.

It is this attitude I think that makes people believe that if you don't bf you're a bad parent, and not doing the best for your baby, even when the only sensible thing (for whatever reason) is actually not to in some cases.

It all.adds into the trauma that sadly a lot of women are left with after breast feeding failure.

Male support as in not hassling them to stop. Doing their fair share around the house to ensure partner has the time and energy to feed. Defending them against unhelpful relatives. But not physically being there for every feed and positioning the breast and giving technical advice.*

Quite often, men are not present to offer any help in any of those circumstances @SnackSizeRaisin but single mums just tend to get on with it. Women successfully being able to look after their children is not dependent on a male.

They would prioritise their baby.

I think it is quite offensive though to compare men in NICU to men in breastfeeding peer support groups.

Fucking hell the bar for men is so low it’s in a tavern in Hades.

Thats not support - that’s called “Not being a massive dick”

None of that support requires a man to impose on other women in a breastfeeding support group.

Most men are perfectly capable of all of that without invading women's spaces.

Exactly. These groups are just about one woman, they’re about all women and I think women attending have an obligation to support one another and telling their men to stay at home.

Theres very little a third party can do in terms of practically support anyway - unless he’s a lactation consultant his duties should extend to making cups of tea, fetching things and being useful around the house. He doesn’t need to go to a peer support group to learn how to do that

Unfortunately breastfeeding discussions always end up like this.

This isn't just about breastfeeding but about yet more disregard of the necessity for women to have female only spaces.

Equality doesn't mean ignoring biological reality. This is happening in so many areas. There has never been much respect for women and our needs and biological reality, but it's getting even worse. Men do not have anything to do with breastfeeding, they can't carry babies or give birth. It's just reality. And to see them muscling in on all these uniquely female experiences, as though any of it is their achievement, and as if the feelings of women who want a female only space to get support to breastfeed don't matter.

Utterly absurd comparison

And that's fine @MotherOfFireBreathers but why do some people feel.the need to belittle others or imply that they are stupid? Saying they don't agree with something another poster thinks or has done is one thing but why be horrible about it? I honestly don't get it. Why jmply that a man that wants to be involved with his baby means that the poster must have said "we're pregnant' or that he must be some sort of abusive wierdo? Or even that someone who did need help from their husband is somehow a useless person? Maybe she just didn't try hard enough?

Things my husband did to support breastfeeding:

All the housework and cooking
Looked after older child
Sterilised/washed pump stuff and bottles
Brought me food and drink
Took kids off my hands if I needed sleep
Was there in the night when baby and I were both in tears or I just needed a hug
Paid (well we both did) for a lactation consultant to come to the house with both DC

Things he didn't do:

Turn up to a support group for women to drink tea and eat biscuits surrounded by postpartum mothers in need of a safe space

It's vitriolic because you haven't once said 'We we're definitely made welcome and very much appreciated it, but I understand that's not appropriate in every circumstance.'

Some women will go to a breastfeeding group as their first experience of feeding outside the house. They gain confidence to feed in public there, and then branch out to include quiet environments that might include men.

It's really unreasonable to deny them that opportunity!

Ok.i understand its not appropriate in every circumstance for man to attend a bf support group. And I do understand that.
Can we play nice now?

I'd be furious about this. Getting bf going can be hard enough without some bloke sitting in.

In fact I'll go further and say in most circumstances.

Why in hell should mothers and babies have to move to another room just because some goddam man is there? Can't women be centred in their own sex- specific experience, or is that really too much to ask? What next, bloody posters up in clinics saying 'If your breastfeeding doesn't include men it's not breastfeeding'? I am gobsmacked, genuinely, by some women's eagerness to push their own sex to the edge of their own lives.

In all circumstances, unless it's specifically a group for couples x

*It's vitriolic because you haven't once said 'We we're definitely made welcome and very much appreciated it, but I understand that's not appropriate in every circumstance.'

Some women will go to a breastfeeding group as their first experience of feeding outside the house. They gain confidence to feed in public there, and then branch out to include quiet environments that might include men.

It's really unreasonable to deny them that opportunity!*

This. And the complete disregard of some of the posters who think it's ok for their 'D'H's to impose on what should be a female only space, that their feelings as a couple are more important than the women who will be distressed at a man turning up where he isn't wanted and frankly is of no bloody use. Someone on this thread said their husband would have attended a bf group as his only concern would have been for her and their baby. No thought from either of them on the comfort of the other women then?