To think a man has no place at a breastfeeding support group

[Was1anddone]

Went to a local breastfeeding group today ran by the local council and was surprised to see a boyfriend/husband in tow.

I had visited because I had a latching problem that needed the consultant’s hands on support, like many women do. I happily feed in front of male strangers and family members when baby is hungry, but this is not as ‘intimate’ as coming to a clinic where the lactation consultant may need women to expose their breasts, manoeuvre babies and do compressions.

I expressed my suspense to the consultant who wasn’t very happy to see him there and asked if I needed to go somewhere more private. So I spent my breastfeeding support session in between two bookshelves in a children’s centre, which wasn’t what I had in mind.

i’m going to check with the council for clarification but but AIBU to think this should be women only? Nothing about it was appropriate at all, and he was very much ‘watching’ all of us.

there are plenty of things men can do to be equal parents and be involved in the process. If he wanted consultant level advice on how to support his partner with feeding- he could have arranged a £20 zoom session. Why can’t we just have a bloody breastfeeding session?

yes the woman may be ND or have anxiety (didn’t get those vibes from her at all though- presented as NT and very chatty and personable but I understand needs can be hidden or masked) but surely a female chaperone or friend would be more appropriate? And if she didn’t have this the council should offer something more suitable? Our dignity shouldn’t be second to her requirements, if this was the case.

my breastfeeding problem needs lots of compressions and swapping sides so my support was greatly hindered by him being there having a laugh and a cuppa. I’m so pissed off :(

Faciadipasta You seem to have this opinion that you are the only women that has suffered breast feeding difficulties, had bad breast feeding advice and very poor post natal care, quite a few other mothers have too, they just don't make such a song and dance about it perhaps?

A 1:1 with a health visitor? You're having a laugh aren't you??? The ONLY time I saw a health visitor with my second was when I was discharged by midwife and they did a home visit. Never saw one again, or heard from one. Nursery assistants did weighing clinic. An HCA did a phone call at one year to ask if I had any concerns. That's it. This was all pre covid btw.

There was one road open to me, and I took it. It turned out to be a really lovely group which I attended for 7 months and am still friends with many of the women I met. It was very much a social thing with breastfeeding support available. And tea and biscuits. My husband came once. For one session of help. Yet has been labelled a pervert and all kinds of other things. There was no barging in - we stood at door and spoke to group leader before being invited in. We were greeted kindly (which encouraged me to return. Alone). My husband didn't massage me in public which is a weird thing to suggest. If I had three arms, maybe I wouldn't have needed his help.

And I have said, yes, in ideal world there would be different groups. But on the NHS there wasn't. This was my only route. I was, to use a very over used word here, distraught. My husband did what I begged him to do because I was desperate. I would expect the same from any partner seeing their partner / wife struggling like that.

Well pp said that women are and should be allowed in vasectomy groups. Also blows my mind. Literally who would want to go?

YANBU.

Unless it is specifically stated otherwise, women should be absolutely safe to assume that support groups for women only issues (breastfeeding, menopause, cervical cancer as examples) are women only by default.

There's no need for couples breastfeeding feeding groups. How weird to have a group where your husband watches other women getting their breasts out. If people want a couple session they can organise something privately.

@ThrowingSomeCrumbs

You sound crazy

It's a women's group end of
A debate about whether men should be present and the majority think they shouldn't be there and what sort of weird man actually thinks that's ok???

It was very much a social thing with breastfeeding support available. And tea and biscuits.

But that's it isn't it- they should be more of a social thing for tea and biscuits, support with minor issues, peer conversation and a space to have a conversation with women who have been there and know what they're talking about, and others who are currently going through it. A space for women. God knows there aren't enough spaces like that.

A man in that situation completely destroys the atmosphere in a situation that should be reserved for women only. The freedom and ability to relax and feel comfortable just disappears. And at worst, causes real discomfort and distress. Those women then lose the space that they needed.

I definitely don't think.i was the only one who had a hard time. I actually said that in my post. The only thing I was answering was the PPs saying that the only help.men could be with BF was making cups of tea. I pointed out this was bollocks. I do believe there needs to be more help from the NHS if they are going to push bf to the level that they do.

If women needed men there in order to breastfeed, then the human species would have died out a long time ago.

How nice though that you're still friends with so many women who had to expose themselves to your husband for your benefit.

Amazed that 11% think YABU.

OP was found a private corner, why weren’t the woman and her DH put in the corner?

Women can tell the difference between a kind DH whose DW has begged him to come and help her, and a CF who doesn’t care if he makes a whole roomful of stressed and knackered women feel uncomfortable.

I would say there is a high probability of controlling and coercive behaviour from a man who turned up at a breastfeeding group.

👏👏👏

I'm grateful that we (me, H and DS) had excellent regular support from our midwife so that me and DS could learn to BF. The midwife included H in this, showing him how to position baby and support me to feed. Had she not done this, DS would have been bottle fed from very early days. H and I were both needed to feed DS.

How ridiculous!

@Bathtubbathing

So if it took both you and your DH to breast feed your son, did your DH had to give up his job?

How long were you not able to be apart from each other just incase DS needed to be fed?

ThrowingSomeCrumbs But what if other women are "desperate" not to have men in their breast feeding group? Or it made it so difficult for various reasons religion abuse simple off putting etc that they felt there was no other option but not to come. What do you say about that especially as a NHS breast feeding group will most likely be for the most overall marginalized of women.

Why are you being so unpleasant? What difference does it make to you if a PP needed support from her husband to bf? She didn't even take him to a group, but got 1:1 support! Why do you feel the need to be so smugly superior?

That was to carefreeme

@ThrowingSomeCrumbs
And again, for a thousand times, it’s not only about YOU. It’s about OTHERS who deserve support equally as you. They DO NOT want to be exposed to your DH during the session. They are massively vulnerable and they want to feel safe and in a position to relax. Your “me me me” doesn’t help. Everyone deserves dignity.

Such a kind and understanding response. Is there really any need to be so judgemental?

H WFH. 😉

Those first couple of months we both lived and breathed baby, yes.

@TonTonMacoute
I absolutely agree. My DH helped me out to feed my newborn in a clinical setting where we had some privacy. Further on, he helped me to feel comfortable and helped around the house, he pulled his weight always but he would never even imagine the possibility of invading the group of women like this. It’s just so massively inappropriate, it’s a joke

This
Totally 100%

Those first couple of months we both lived and breathed baby, yes.

I bet you were the type to say 'we are pregnant' too, weren't you?

At this point I am standing up for my husband who you have called some hideous things.

The other five women there weren't knew. They were sat chatting. They said hello to my husband and asked if he wanted a drink. Whether they breastfed in that time I have no idea, but I would certainly remember if they had sat there with their boobs out with no baby at them! We were there around 20 minutes before leaving and going home.

In this situation it was 100% the right thing to have done, and I 100% stand by that. Even if I am a man. Or married to a pervert. Or in an abusive relationship where I couldn't be parted from my husband because I once needed his support.

Classic mumsnet is the phrase in my head!

We know you think it was right. It's still wrong.

@FernlovingNodosaur What would those women do in a NICU where there truly is no privacy for breastfeeding? Other parents there, doctors and nurses walking in and out?

I'm struggling to see how if the problems were that severe that he was required to be there, how one 20 minute session was all that much use in honesty.

A right of a person who is uncomfortable tramps the indifference or the person who is "OK with it" because the ones who are OK with it are not affected.

Many women would feel uncomfortable attending breastfeeding group if the men where there. In the end of the day this is group for breastfeed women and their needs and comfort should be prioritised.

It's like taking a man to female changing room and then insisting you have right to do that because you need his support regardless how uncomfortable other women feel. Just no. Utterly selfish.