To think a man has no place at a breastfeeding support group

[Was1anddone]

Went to a local breastfeeding group today ran by the local council and was surprised to see a boyfriend/husband in tow.

I had visited because I had a latching problem that needed the consultant’s hands on support, like many women do. I happily feed in front of male strangers and family members when baby is hungry, but this is not as ‘intimate’ as coming to a clinic where the lactation consultant may need women to expose their breasts, manoeuvre babies and do compressions.

I expressed my suspense to the consultant who wasn’t very happy to see him there and asked if I needed to go somewhere more private. So I spent my breastfeeding support session in between two bookshelves in a children’s centre, which wasn’t what I had in mind.

i’m going to check with the council for clarification but but AIBU to think this should be women only? Nothing about it was appropriate at all, and he was very much ‘watching’ all of us.

there are plenty of things men can do to be equal parents and be involved in the process. If he wanted consultant level advice on how to support his partner with feeding- he could have arranged a £20 zoom session. Why can’t we just have a bloody breastfeeding session?

yes the woman may be ND or have anxiety (didn’t get those vibes from her at all though- presented as NT and very chatty and personable but I understand needs can be hidden or masked) but surely a female chaperone or friend would be more appropriate? And if she didn’t have this the council should offer something more suitable? Our dignity shouldn’t be second to her requirements, if this was the case.

my breastfeeding problem needs lots of compressions and swapping sides so my support was greatly hindered by him being there having a laugh and a cuppa. I’m so pissed off :(

I don’t believe you. There isn’t a HV alive who would advise giving up formula and attempting to re establish BF over the advice of the consultant and even more so for premie twins.

Im sorry to hear you had PND. It can affect recollections.

This sums it up perfectly. Of course they're deserving of support, just not in a breastfeeding group. Breastfeeding groups should be for women only.

Exactly. And you might might worship the ground your husband walks on @ThrowingSomeCrumbs, but we, the other women in the room wanting to talk and cry about boobs and nipples and pain, have no way of knowing if your husband is a good guy with a dropped gaze, or a creepy fucking weirdo nursing a semi-on.

No men.

ThrowingSomeCrumbs But you are working on the premise that almost every other mother found/finds it a picnic to breast feed her baby. (I can assure you that isn't the case.) That your situation is so unique that other breast feeding women's discomfort and right to a private man free space shouldn't matter. And to be honest what you are describing is not that expectational in terms of breast feeding difficulties.

I believe you, @Faciadipasta . I believe all the women who posted saying they needed their partner with them.

There should be the opportunity for such couples to get support. It shouldn't be at a breastfeeding support group though, as that prevents the support of most of the other mums, who are also struggling.

Jesus christ @PlainBobRob that is some fucking serious gaslighting right there. It happened whether you believe me or not. Its actually written in the fucking red books that they were seen to have gained weight - advice given to stop bottle feeding and resume breast.

If we don't make bfing groups women only, we deprive the most vulnerable women of an opportunity they need. Women whose husbands are abusive.

Just to clarify a few points.

Other men attended the group during the time I went. It wasn't advertised as women only. It was held in a meeting room with no other space they could use. If I'd been offered a private space, I would have used it.
I don't need my husband for everything. But I did need him this one time. He came because I begged and begged. He did something to support me.
My (male) GP wouldn't have been interested. I was sent there by my midwife as she couldn't help in the 10 minutes she was allotted to see me.
The helplines weren't interested. No one locally could see me within 2 weeks from any of the usual non NHS routes. I don't live rurally.

A friend who runs a breastfeeding service (I didn't know her then, else would have used her services) runs women only sessions and mixed sessions. She also runs a Muslim women only session. This is the ideal. But obviously this isn't NHS. I was desperate. If you've never been desperate that's brilliant. As I said, looking back I should have just bottle fed him and been done with it. But failure to breastfeed first time, and comments from women who can't see past breastfeeding is best, meant I wasn't rational about my need to breastfeed successfully. My husband gave me the support I needed and asked for.

"But there was nothing else available and I was fucking desperate. "*
*
Did you maybe think that every other woman there was in the exact same situation?

That by taking your husband along you were in effect excluding them from the service that they too were desperate to receive?

What if there was a Muslim woman there? Who also was desperate? Your husband would've made it absolutely impossible for her to remove any item of clothing. Is that ok?

I'm sat here shaking my head at the sheer arrogance of you thinking that your needs outweighed those of every single other woman and baby's at the group

So many posters are missing the point. It's not about men ogling or looking etc. It's about another erosion of women's spaces. Bf support group should be a women's only SAFE space where they can openly discuss bf and any other post birth issues with their bodies. Women are more likely to have sufferer abusive or violence by men those women should have needs prioritised and not made to feel they can't attend something as a man might be there

I’m sorry but it just doesn’t ring true! Especially the bollocks about “if you cared for your babies.” Nope.

And fwiw I had premie twins who were mix fed.

There may be a few like this but some others on this thread are disabled or have said they were in a very hard place physically/mentally post-birth. I totally support them getting what they need from a group like this but not by barging in and assuming. If anything, this thread shows there is a definite need for women-only groups and probably a need for couples' groups.

But these are the women who need to go along to the clinic alone the most.

Their partner’s will not be there all of the time and even if they are, they cannot help them with breast feeding.

It’s different if this was a changing nappies or first aid group.

But only the women can breast feed and therefore it’s important that they learn how to do it on her own.

There is no valid reason that a DH needs to go because the idea is learning how to BF, which he can’t do himself or help with.

I’m surprise nobodies posted but men can breastfeed to yet or have I missed that nugget ?

Good for you. The fact that yours were premie probably meant you were on a list for support then. Mine clearly were not. And one of them had their weight fall to the 0.9 centile, the other went down to the 3rd. I honestly had the worst post natal help and support imaginable but you didn't. So good for you.

Don't give them ideas please

You wouldn't think it would need to be said as its patently obvious, but yes, you have missed it.

I'm grateful that we (me, H and DS) had excellent regular support from our midwife so that me and DS could learn to BF. The midwife included H in this, showing him how to position baby and support me to feed. Had she not done this, DS would have been bottle fed from very early days. H and I were both needed to feed DS.

Had that support the midwife gave us as a family only been available in a BF support group, H would have been by my side attending. His concern was his son and me.

The group absolutely should be set up to allow those male partners to attend who's partners need them to be there. And also set up for majority of the women who may prefer those families to be separated from them.

No need for a private consultation, just a little bit of thought and planning to support ALL new mums in the way they need it.

Sorry, that came out garbled! Patently obvious they cannot, but yes I think someone tried it...

Not without a punch on the nose! What else can do, breastfeed the baby himself, no the whe fetching me a drink, taking the baby for a walk around the house and perhaps even making up some evil formula was much more practical.

Fucking men, why do they have to infringe on everything!! You are NOT being unreasonable at all!!

"I... me... me... me... I... I need... I want... me.. my... mine... I... me... me... I asked... me [etc.]"

It's a GROUP. A group for WOMEN, plural, who are struggling to breastfeed. Not a private session for you and your bloody husband so he can 'learn how to massage your breasts' for the love of god.

This isn't difficult, if you have the slightest concept that other people exist and have needs and that it is a GROUP of women, not a personal service for you and your husband to sit there with him rubbing your breasts with a warm cloth or whatever it was you described in such unnecessary detail before you supposedly left the thread.

That's all well and good but not everybody feels that way and shouldn't be made to feel this way when it involves their private body parts

My reposne above looks batshit as a stand alone, but was in response to this:

**asworkiskillingme · Today 16:52

ThrowingSomeCrumbs · Today 16:50

@Alexandernevermind Out of interest, if you were crying and begging your partner for help at 2am, would they have just got you a drink and a biscuit, patted you on the head and said there there???

Or would your partner offer the support you were desperately asking for?**

Well I certainly wouldn't have expected him to start massaging my breasts and attaching the baby that's for sure

There's no need to bring anyone, male or female. The support at a breastfeeding group comes from other breastfeeding mothers and from the trained breastfeeding supporters. The whole point is peer support. Your husband, sister, friend, mother etc can give you support at another time and place. Bringing extra people along makes the group less effective. It is uncomfortable to have people's mothers etc listening and watching as you receive support on this intimate issue. If you just want technical help, or are not interested in the peer support aspect and only want support from people you already know, then ask your health visitor to arrange a 1 to 1 session.

It blows my mind that if a breastfeeding support group doesn’t specifically say women only, some men think it’s ok that they turn up. And their female partners think it’s ok too. I genuinely can not get my head around that. Are these people stupid, entitled, perverted? What? 🤯