To think a man has no place at a breastfeeding support group

[Was1anddone]

Went to a local breastfeeding group today ran by the local council and was surprised to see a boyfriend/husband in tow.

I had visited because I had a latching problem that needed the consultant’s hands on support, like many women do. I happily feed in front of male strangers and family members when baby is hungry, but this is not as ‘intimate’ as coming to a clinic where the lactation consultant may need women to expose their breasts, manoeuvre babies and do compressions.

I expressed my suspense to the consultant who wasn’t very happy to see him there and asked if I needed to go somewhere more private. So I spent my breastfeeding support session in between two bookshelves in a children’s centre, which wasn’t what I had in mind.

i’m going to check with the council for clarification but but AIBU to think this should be women only? Nothing about it was appropriate at all, and he was very much ‘watching’ all of us.

there are plenty of things men can do to be equal parents and be involved in the process. If he wanted consultant level advice on how to support his partner with feeding- he could have arranged a £20 zoom session. Why can’t we just have a bloody breastfeeding session?

yes the woman may be ND or have anxiety (didn’t get those vibes from her at all though- presented as NT and very chatty and personable but I understand needs can be hidden or masked) but surely a female chaperone or friend would be more appropriate? And if she didn’t have this the council should offer something more suitable? Our dignity shouldn’t be second to her requirements, if this was the case.

my breastfeeding problem needs lots of compressions and swapping sides so my support was greatly hindered by him being there having a laugh and a cuppa. I’m so pissed off :(

The ones that go there are the ones we would want there the least! Any decent man with any self awareness whatsoever would wait in the car.

Spot on, how is this hard to understand

and I will never be offended by you taking that view as while I know I’m a decent bloke, you do not, and I owe it to you to give you the privacy you want.

@Wildeheart or if it's that bad, have their GP refer them to the hospital for support.

Our BF group had a midwife and a volunteer in attendance, who could help us with different positions for feeding, show us different shields etc and advise us about feeding strikes and regularity of feeds. It definitely wasn't equipped to deal with dangerously malnourished babies.

YANBU

I think only the person that is breastfeeding should be there and no one else, including husbands, wives, mums, friends etc.

For me this isn’t just about a male and female issue but the fact that this is probably one of the most vulnerable times in your life.

Not only are you getting your breasts out which have changed dramatically since you became pregnant (so you may already be more uncomfortable in your body) but you’re going to these sessions because you’re struggling to feed your child.

Struggling to BF can have a massive effect on women and it is better to be surrounded by other women who are also struggling and the professionals helping you, not a bunch of strangers.

I went to one before I gave birth which had women giving us expectant mothers tips and there were men there which I was absolutely fine with but when it comes to being vulnerable and struggling to do something that’s supposed to come naturally, then no I don’t want a bunch of strangers there.

There is also the issue of women in abusive relationships.
Abuse often gets worse after a women gets pregnant and it’s in sessions like these where she can get away from her partner and hopefully reach out for help.
If partners can go too then that can’t happen.

My ex wouldn't have felt comfortable intruding on a space intended for women. I had a conversation about parenting etc with two of my make friends from work and they both said they'd happily go along to any generic parenting group kind of thing, but never to a breastfeeding group. They were aware that their presence would be awful for a lot of women and would never want to make them feel like that. But then they are decent men.

If the woman was special needs she needs to seek 1:1 help if she needs someone male there or just take a female friend, he could have helped her to the door if there was a physical issue. He obviously wants along to gawp, there's zero reason for him to be there (I'm currently breastfeeding my 3rd child, there really isnt anything a man can do except bring drinks and snacks when you are feeding!). I'd complain, again.

What DH would even want to go?! Just asked mine and he was like hell no 😂

Just because this man has a partner and a baby doesn’t mean he isn’t also a creep getting a kick out of being in a roomful of women exposing their breasts and talking about nipples. He was a pervy creep and also so controlling/abusive that his partner isn’t allowed to go anywhere without him. The lady running the group should have thrown him out.

In some countries he’d get arrested for that. Sigh…

I expressed my suspense to the consultant who wasn’t very happy to see him there and asked if I needed to go somewhere more private.

I would have loudly asked if he could be asked to leave the room so I could receive some dignity and the support I was there for and then give him a hard stare.

They (and their partners) need to be challenged directly. Cannot believe anyone is that unaware or self absorbed they do not realise how this is an issue.

@purpleboy thanks for your kind words.
I do completely understand that most women would prefer men didn't attend a breastfeeding support group. But there was nothing else available and I was fucking desperate. To be honest I really do actually wish I hadn't shared as much of my troubles as I did here because inevitably there are so many people (and they are always women) who just outright don't believe this happens.
There needs to be so much more support for women who actually do have real serious problems, like a PP said, when the NHS pushes breastfeeding as much as they do, but it just isn't there.
Like I said we'd be admitted to hospital because of the babies weight loss, I'd be berated by the pead and told to give a bottle, they'd put on weight (obviously) then I'd get home and be told by the HV to stop the bottle and go back to breast. This happened twice. And I was so lacking in confidence I just thought they HAD to to know best. Looking back now I can see that is absolutely not true.
It's a fucking national scandal how little help there is and how much bf is pushed and women are not listened to. I know my experience isn't the norm but it's also not THAT uncommon.

Oh for god sake
any normal decent man , would know to wait in the car ,or stay at home .
says clearly the type of person he is

"eyeball anyones titties"

Is this straight out of a 1970s porn film?

Anyway, so long as you're OK.

I had an awful time feeding my first. Mastitis, awful latch, everything. DH drove me to the hospital clinic. Helped me find the room.

Then went to the cafeteria until I was ready to go home because he is not a fucking entitled idiot who puts his needs above those of vulnerable women.

Beyond a joke but sadly not surprising. So sick of this bullshit

I am sorry you had such problems, but in your case , with so many issues to address it might have been better to ask for a private session , partly so that your husband could attend and support you but also so that the trainer could focus on your needs rather than the other group members perhaps feeling that you were getting more attention than they were getting to support their needs.

Actually I'm heartened to read that most men - being decent - would not invade a breastfeeding support group.

This thread is nuts.

I had premie twins. They were so poorly when they were born they were fed intravenously. One was assigned to a dietitian. He was frail enough that even after NICU, he couldn't go outside for ages and we were visited by a special paeds nursing team at home.

I had to teach them to bottle feed after their NG tubes were removed and then to BF subsequently (both went on to be strong BFers in time, though always mixed fed).

I never even considered asking DH to attend the BFing group throughout all of that, even though he was a PT SAHD so could have.

It was not that hard. I bundled them into car seats > car, drove to group, into buggy at other end, into the room and BF each in turn with support as needed from consultants.

When they had weight gain issues, that was for specialist nurses and the dietitian, not the nice lady who had a peer supporter lanyard on!

It’s a sad reality that many women are very co-dependant on their partners and can’t do anything without them

(as seen by multiple threads on here when women won’t leave their partners because they can’t cope on their own).

There are many groups that men should be encouraged to attend, as it is their baby too.
However, a BF support group should not be one of them.

I don’t think it’s the men’s fault if they’re being encouraged to go.
I think the person running the group should say no plus 1s.

I wonder how many of these women accompany their DH’s to their prostate gland check up.

Men have no place in bf group. He could agree easily sat in the lobby etc.

It’s a sad reality that many women are very co-dependant on their partners and can’t do anything without them

There may be a few like this but some others on this thread are disabled or have said they were in a very hard place physically/mentally post-birth. I totally support them getting what they need from a group like this but not by barging in and assuming. If anything, this thread shows there is a definite need for women-only groups and probably a need for couples' groups.

I would also be very uncomfortable. You are not unreasonable.

Yes, CLINIC, not support group.

It wouldn't bother me in the slightest and I'd be glad if men were involved. I find sex segregation a bit othering and feel it can add to the problem.

@Fantasiamop Surely 'othering' is treating people like they are different when they're not. Men who were born men do not give birth to babies and then lactate.
I cannot fathom how we have got to a place where women who don't want to be naked and vulnerable in front of the opposite sex are 'othering' them.

This sort of statement terrifies me as the mum of a young daughter. It sounds all kind and inclusive and liberal, but implying that women are doing something a bit mean and bigoted by 'othering' men misses a point the size of several planets.

TRAs and Stonewall have checkmated governments and institutions into being unable to protect women and gay people without being 'transphobic'. They have captured a scarily large segment of the younger generation with groupthink. And it seems that half of womankind is in the grip of Stockholm syndrome too.

P.S. And I’m really sorry that some of commenters had depression, PTSD and similar. My feelings count too. I would NOT want a random man watching me being exposed.

Women who cannot cope without their partner there don't belong in a breastfeeding support group. No one is saying they don't deserve support. Just that a breastfeeding support group is for sharing that difficulty. Once it becomes mixed sex it's no longer breastfeeding support. It's a new parents support group. Which has its place.