To think a man has no place at a breastfeeding support group

[Was1anddone]

Went to a local breastfeeding group today ran by the local council and was surprised to see a boyfriend/husband in tow.

I had visited because I had a latching problem that needed the consultant’s hands on support, like many women do. I happily feed in front of male strangers and family members when baby is hungry, but this is not as ‘intimate’ as coming to a clinic where the lactation consultant may need women to expose their breasts, manoeuvre babies and do compressions.

I expressed my suspense to the consultant who wasn’t very happy to see him there and asked if I needed to go somewhere more private. So I spent my breastfeeding support session in between two bookshelves in a children’s centre, which wasn’t what I had in mind.

i’m going to check with the council for clarification but but AIBU to think this should be women only? Nothing about it was appropriate at all, and he was very much ‘watching’ all of us.

there are plenty of things men can do to be equal parents and be involved in the process. If he wanted consultant level advice on how to support his partner with feeding- he could have arranged a £20 zoom session. Why can’t we just have a bloody breastfeeding session?

yes the woman may be ND or have anxiety (didn’t get those vibes from her at all though- presented as NT and very chatty and personable but I understand needs can be hidden or masked) but surely a female chaperone or friend would be more appropriate? And if she didn’t have this the council should offer something more suitable? Our dignity shouldn’t be second to her requirements, if this was the case.

my breastfeeding problem needs lots of compressions and swapping sides so my support was greatly hindered by him being there having a laugh and a cuppa. I’m so pissed off :(

Agree.

They are mostly run by volunteers who have some training but are not specialists. I would worry about the babies health if the mother is struggling so much.

The Health Visitor / Midwife should signpost to a lactation specialist or equivalent in these circumstances.

Apparently FB breastfeeding support groups are regularly invaded by lactation fetishists, don't see why Mumsnet would be much different.

I've read your posts and deeply sympathise with you, it sound beyond horrific, I just wanted to say that you should never allow strangers that much control over you or your babies, you knew breastfeeding wasn't working, you should have trusted your instincts and told them all to fuck off. You make the decision for you, no one else, I hope you find your voice so you aren't ever in a similar position again. It's unforgivable how women are treated medically and I really do understand how we feel we have to go along with what is expected off us, but we don't, you don't. Wishing you all the best for the future.

I do agree most/many women prefer this to be a female only space, and I think that should be the starting point, I would hate to have done this in front of a/several males, luckily there weren't any at my support groups, but I do think posters such as this one, and actually any women that feels she benefits from her partners support should be able to access that. Both options should be offered so everyone is catered for and can access the support that suits their needs.

I also think the ridiculing on this thread is really sad, no one is right or wrong on this, and everyone should be accommodated without making others feel uncomfortable or unsupported.

I think there is quite a difference between a clinic and a support group.

Fairly certain there are not a flood of men flocking to learn how to put on a nappy and make baby food. And not because they are all perverts. Just because it involves work for them.

@MotherOfFireBreathers Great post. These community groups are definitely not appropriate for people struggling to the extent where their babies are malnourished and they are in the grip of a mental health crisis. Many only have volunteers staffing them. Our current one only has peer supporters, who are not equipped to deal with that level of difficulty.

If you brought him to a support group full of women having problems/lacking confidence etc. then your the problem... asking people for empathy for you when you show none for others in the same boat is wholly self centered and entitled. I wouldn't bring my dp to make other women very uncomfortable and less likely to participate fully. But by all means clearly your issues are way more important then the other mothers strughling. Most breast feeding groups are free so they can help the most numbers of women as possible. Your selfishness to bring a man who is a stranger to every other woman in group could put others right off going to get help, derailing their breastfeeding journey because you needed a hand hold. If your partner needs direction then he can pay 20£ for a private online consultation instead of intruding in a space that is not for him.

This happened to me and I left. He just sat there staring at the women. I rang to complain.

They were all very very weird, a few might still be lurking I think. Pervs. I reported them several times.

There are transwomen on some online breastfeeding support pages. Not particularly off topic because yes they are males too, they'll never be pregnant, give birth, be able to let alone have difficulties breast-feeding - so it's no different to this. Yet nobody calls it out because they're frightened of being called Nazis, bigots, transphobes etc.
I don't know what a transwoman would get out of being in that group apart from indulging a fetish, if I'm honest.

Am I being accused of being a man?!!!

Awesome!!! It's normal only misogynists who suggest that a woman with opinions is actually a man in disguise.

Feel free to report to MN who will be able to look into my 14 year history here.

I wouldn't go if there were men there.

I suspect a lot of women wouldn't - women who are Muslim, have had adverse experiences, many different categories.

A man has never seen my chest outside of medical professionals. I wouldn't want to start with the partner of someone I don't know. I'd feel very exposed and to be honest, not a lot upsets me but I can imagine feeling vulnerable and going home and crying over it. Well, I'd walk out/leave so I suppose it wouldn't get to that point, but I'd also worry I'd freeze up and end up staying just not saying anything. Hopefully I'm past that but the only thing I could do is walk out really.

I am not the only person on this thread who has been told by the professionals leading these sessions male support is key to long term success.

Hahaha what utter bollocks! I guess that means that no single mother has ever managed to breastfeed a baby without support from a man then.... oh wait...

I never, ever saw a man at my BF group. Most would not want to be there, out of respect for the women, but also because they can't BF the baby or solve the actual problems. If the only way for a woman to overcome her BF problems is to physically involve her male partner, they request help to do this at a routine midwife appointment or make an appointment with their health visitor.

Bloody textbook example is this thread of why we need female only spaces.

Someone above said, Some people literally can’t do anything alone - that is so true, as is Some people don't let their partners do anything alone.

"Clearly separate classes for men to learn how to support partners in latching on etc. are needed".

Maybe you can volunteer as the mother with the latching problems to the class full of men. You don't need a baby to demo it. You could use a doll.

workiskillingme I hope things are better for you now? Meadowsalways have you seen the ratio on this thread. Are you really suggesting that all those breasting women will be able to have a private space? And why should the actual breast feeding mothers be expected move and be inconvenience. If any one should it should be the man and his partner. As to your LOL at the suggestion that men might get off on watching women breast feed. You could well be surprised at the level some men would go to ogle a breast feeding mother. Ever heard of breast feeding fetishes' just Google it. Nice eye opener there for you.

Support groups are mostly intended to support women who have been discharged by their midwives.

Yes thank you
My last child almost killed me I'm not joking and thank god for the support of people who still think womens rights are important

Yes he is. Bye.

@Hugasauras it's actually frightening that a breastfeeding group is seen as appropriate for those kind of circumstances. My youngest is 7 and I was able to see the infant feeding midwife at my hospital. It's awful if cuts have made this even harder.

Surely breastfeeding groups are more about support with more minor feeding issues, peer support, conversations with women who are dealing with the same challenges and to have support from women who have been through it, sharing tips and advice etc... not for serious medical issues? Because a woman in that much distress and a baby not feeding is a serious medical emergency.

It's not a space for men.

I have every sympathy for the PPs who have had traumatic births and difficulties with breastfeeding - reader, I am one! - but wtaf am I reading?
If you are reading this in the throes of breastfeeding and think your baby will die or suffer brain damage if you can’t access a breastfeeding clinic without your husband then please speak to your midwife or health visitor about a home visit!

Well this thread has been an eye opener! I was about to start with “yep, men should not be allowed and should bloody know better than to impose themselves in a group full of new mothers who are struggling with breastfeeding” but I am genuinely surprised at how many women are stating they needed their husband/partners support and insisted they were accompanied to these groups. Either way, very selfish behaviour and does not take into account the needs of others in the group. If you needed your husbands support, you should pay for a private consultation 🙄