To think a man has no place at a breastfeeding support group

[Was1anddone]

Went to a local breastfeeding group today ran by the local council and was surprised to see a boyfriend/husband in tow.

I had visited because I had a latching problem that needed the consultant’s hands on support, like many women do. I happily feed in front of male strangers and family members when baby is hungry, but this is not as ‘intimate’ as coming to a clinic where the lactation consultant may need women to expose their breasts, manoeuvre babies and do compressions.

I expressed my suspense to the consultant who wasn’t very happy to see him there and asked if I needed to go somewhere more private. So I spent my breastfeeding support session in between two bookshelves in a children’s centre, which wasn’t what I had in mind.

i’m going to check with the council for clarification but but AIBU to think this should be women only? Nothing about it was appropriate at all, and he was very much ‘watching’ all of us.

there are plenty of things men can do to be equal parents and be involved in the process. If he wanted consultant level advice on how to support his partner with feeding- he could have arranged a £20 zoom session. Why can’t we just have a bloody breastfeeding session?

yes the woman may be ND or have anxiety (didn’t get those vibes from her at all though- presented as NT and very chatty and personable but I understand needs can be hidden or masked) but surely a female chaperone or friend would be more appropriate? And if she didn’t have this the council should offer something more suitable? Our dignity shouldn’t be second to her requirements, if this was the case.

my breastfeeding problem needs lots of compressions and swapping sides so my support was greatly hindered by him being there having a laugh and a cuppa. I’m so pissed off :(

I can't add much to what has been said already as I have only just joined the thread, but @Was1anddone I absolutely ONE MILLION PER CENT agree with you. Like fuck would I want MEN - or anyone identifying as such - anywhere near me doing something as challenging and personal and intimate as breastfeeding. Fuck me! I can't believe this has to be a discussion. No WAY should men be there.

Shall we women demand to be at the next erectile dysfunction meeting that men have, coz ya know, equal rights and all that!!!

Also, @Faciadipasta (at 16.53 today,) WTAF?

An overwhelming majority of PPs saying it should be women only, being told they are unreasonable and should go elsewhere by a tiny minority who feel their wants overrule everyone else's.

Again why couldn't you get this support and advice from your midwife who would have seen you either at home or at a private booked post natal clinic? Why take away the choice for every other mum?

Also: a man once filmed me breastfeeding an angry, couldn’t-latch DD in the park. The man in the cubicle next to me in the postnatal ward kept me awake all night shouting at his wife about how lazy she was leaving him with the kids, and shoving his chair back through the curtain into my space. My FIL stared openly at me trying to feed at home and I couldn’t get up and go elsewhere because I was more or less immobile.

You (the generic you) might know your DH or DP is a good egg who’d do none of these things, but to me he’s a male stranger who I’ll file under “men are gross and I don’t want them near me while I’m trying to rugby ball latch a wriggling newborn in a traumatic group setting”.

No joke if I asked DP to come to a breast feeding support group he'd look at me like I have 10 heads. My partner would be so obviously embaressed/red faced and uncomfortable. It's one thing being in the presence of an experienced/confident breast feeding mum with no issues say at like a cafe or out and about, but he wouldn't know where to look if I brought him to a group specifically for women who are often there because they're having issues with breastfeeding and need help & shouldn't have to worried about exposing a nipple. Dp wouldn't know were to look in fear of offending or coming across as creepy/Pervy. You are most definitely not being unreasonable.

No, no one wanted you to go into such detail - or indeed to post any of this.

No one here is getting 'kicks' from your descriptions of your 'husband massaging your breasts with a warm cloth' bleurgh

Just like no one wanted your fucking husband in the breastfeeding support group.

Have you read anyone's posts here at all?

@NormaTheWife At about 3 1/2 / 4 weeks he started latching using a nipple shield. But was 3 (or 4?) months before he would latch without nipple shield.

As I've explained, this was partly due to issues from my first birth, and probably a level of PND, or PTSD from first birth. Was it rational to risk my own health to breast feed? Nope. It wasn't. But at the time it was I needed to do.

I've just got out of hospital where I've noticed with relief who female dominated the environment was, to see a thread about how women can't expect female only breastfeeding groups.

Those of you saying my post is bullshit, it isn't but women like you are part of the problem on society.
Obviously I should have formula fed. I know that now but I was vulnerable and I had severe pnd. When my babies were admitted I was told by the pead to bottle feed, then we'd get home a HV would come round and we were told to give up the bottle. Twice. And repeatedly told we had to breastfeed if we cared about the babies. They were my first. I didn't bloody know and I was desperate.
And like I said I'd have been more than happy to have a private appointment but that wasn't a bloody option.

I've had a shit time with breastfeeding at the start with both DC. First wouldn't latch for six weeks and I had to triple feed, so I pumped 10 times a day, tried her on breast every day and topped up with formula. Second damaged my nipples so much I got mastitis that turned into a breast abscess the size of three apples that required hospital treatment. My DH was incredibly supportive and I needed his help.

But I still wouldn't think it appropriate for him to come to a breastfeeding support group for women. We paid for someone to come to the house so my DH could sit in and help. I went to breastfeeding groups solo and got help from the other women there.

It can be difficult of course but there’s no need for you to have a breakdown or your baby to get brain damage. In that scenario you could have just bottle fed.

And how would your partner being at a breastfeeding support group have changed any of that?

WTAF have I just read?

OK, so my husband is a pervy freak for supporting his wife in the way his wife wanted. He's a pervy freak for providing the help I begged for.

I'll divorce him and go find one of your lovely sexy cave men.

Over. And. Out.

It's getting weirder by the minute...

To be honest, I don't think breastfeeding support groups are the place for women who are struggling that badly with breastfeeding that there are concerns about the baby's health etc. If things are that dire then surely a 1-1 situation is more appropriate? My second baby had an awful tongue tie and I saw the infant feeding midwife for a couple of outpatient appointments at my hospital. I know it wasn't the point of the thread but it's made me think again about how awful support services are, which is terrible given how much breastfeeding is pushed.

Men shouldn't be going to breastfeeding support groups. It should be for women only- men have no real role to play in breastfeeding. My ex drove me to appointments, helped pay for DC to have tongue tie snipped, and would bring me stuff when I was feeding. I'd hate it if he suggested he had much of a role to play in it- it wasn't his body who kept our children alive throughout pregnancy and the first six months of their lives until weaning- and I carried on feeding a lot longer than that, until around 18 months for both. It's obvious that men will make some women uncomfortable. I'm sorry but I totally disagree with those on the thread saying they wouldn't have been able to attend a group without their husbands. It's pretty obvious how difficult and uncomfortable it will be for a lot of women having men present. If someone is that distressed they can't manage a breastfeeding support group alone then I'd suggest that 1-1 is what's required rather than a group anyway.

No. We’re saying women have no way of knowing which men are pervy freaks, and most of us have a blanket rule of “don’t trust men except our own inner circle”, and that’s why female-only spaces are necessary, particularly for scenarios that involve us exposing our breasts at a hugely physically and emotionally difficult time. You bring your DH knowing he’s all right: I have no way of knowing he’s all right.

I feel a bit stupid arguing with posters who were clearly men. And weird men at that.

Vulnerable and suffering from PND is terrible and you needed mental health support. But should people with acute mental health difficulties really be deciding what’s best for everyone at a communal meeting filled with other potentially vulnerable women in a vulnerable position?

And idiots will still question why women need safe spaces. This thread clearly demonstrates it all

I'd just tell him outright to leave as his presence makes you uncomfortable.

It wouldn't bother me in the slightest and I'd be glad if men were involved. I find sex segregation a bit othering and feel it can add to the problem. But that's in an ideal world! As so many men do not behave adequately and so many women have been harassed or abused by men, we need these spaces to be women-only so that women can feel safe.
Clearly separate classes for men to learn how to support partners in latching on etc. are needed.
My partner went to fathering classes run by the local council. They at least covered the basics of babycare, nappies, winding, soothing, then later parenting. Empathising with the mother's physical and emotional needs and supporting her with feeding, sleep, doing at least half the domestic work, etc., could be added to these classes. If they still exist what with all the cuts.

Bloody hell! I thought it was bad enough when I saw the women letting their husbands follow them into Victoria's Secret, while the men are clearly watching the other women shopping there.