To think a man has no place at a breastfeeding support group

[Was1anddone]

Went to a local breastfeeding group today ran by the local council and was surprised to see a boyfriend/husband in tow.

I had visited because I had a latching problem that needed the consultant’s hands on support, like many women do. I happily feed in front of male strangers and family members when baby is hungry, but this is not as ‘intimate’ as coming to a clinic where the lactation consultant may need women to expose their breasts, manoeuvre babies and do compressions.

I expressed my suspense to the consultant who wasn’t very happy to see him there and asked if I needed to go somewhere more private. So I spent my breastfeeding support session in between two bookshelves in a children’s centre, which wasn’t what I had in mind.

i’m going to check with the council for clarification but but AIBU to think this should be women only? Nothing about it was appropriate at all, and he was very much ‘watching’ all of us.

there are plenty of things men can do to be equal parents and be involved in the process. If he wanted consultant level advice on how to support his partner with feeding- he could have arranged a £20 zoom session. Why can’t we just have a bloody breastfeeding session?

yes the woman may be ND or have anxiety (didn’t get those vibes from her at all though- presented as NT and very chatty and personable but I understand needs can be hidden or masked) but surely a female chaperone or friend would be more appropriate? And if she didn’t have this the council should offer something more suitable? Our dignity shouldn’t be second to her requirements, if this was the case.

my breastfeeding problem needs lots of compressions and swapping sides so my support was greatly hindered by him being there having a laugh and a cuppa. I’m so pissed off :(

What a bullshit post

Breastfeeding women only at my local BF support group. Even female partners weren’t allowed, they just had a blanket ban on partners to be fair.

I wouldn’t go if a random man was there.

Exactly this. DP was hugely supportive. He kept me fed and watered and sane. He fetched the painkillers and 10,000 tubes of Lansinoh and dealt with the crying (mine and DD’s) and did his own research and asked questions of the health visitor and midwives, and helped me seek mental health support for PND and made sure my family were aware what an utter shitshow birth and the long hospital stay had been and what I needed from them. And he never once set foot in a breastfeeding clinic or support group where he would have made other women uncomfortable.

I run a breastfeeding support group and although we've never had men trying to attend, if it happened they would be told very clearly that it was a group for breastfeeding mums only and that they could wait in the cafe across the road.

There is another bf group locally and they recently shared a picture of a group with a man in attendance. I was surprised as that definitely would have put me off when I was a new mum.

@Faciadipasta Thank you.. and I'm pleased you managed in the end.

YANBU. I walked out of a breastfeeding group with DC2 because a was a man was there and I was too knackered to raise it with the group leaders. Just as well I never saw a man at the same group with DC1 because I was having a very traumatic time with BF, reflux, non sleeping screamer of a baby, PND setting in. I already felt inadequate and fragile, hated my postnatal body. If I had seen a man in that safe space I wouldn’t have returned and I would have lost a vital source of support. DH was great but he didn’t have boobs and he hadn’t given birth. Being in a space with people in the same situation was so comforting in the early days.

I really, really, really hope it's a troll. I bf my children and so did most of my friends/relatives. Number of times I saw a male partner, or anyone apart from the nursing mother, 'massage' her breasts? ZERO. Wtf.

Bottle feeding is an option in this day and age? You are being hysterical- if it was that horrendous that’s a perfectly viable option.

It's really down to the group's organisers. If they want it to be a single sex session they should say so and enforce that. If they are happy for men to accompany their partners they need to be clear about that in their promotion of the group's and explain why they consider it necessary to women who object. No need for a set of unwritten rules about who is welcome.

And at 4 days you would have had support and guidance from a midwife at home? That's where you can ask and get advice if he's insisting on latching baby on not at a group where women are feeling utterly exposed and vulnerable even being out the house let alone with a strange man sat there

He sounds brilliant. this is what a good partner and father does, supporting his partner and their child without invading other women's private spaces.

3 months? If you were so concerned about your baby's needs you would have started bottle feeding. Sorry but that's the reality. I had issues with my first and in hospital they advised bottle feeding. I did and have no regrets.

I know perfectly well my husband’s a good man thanks. That’s why he didn’t hang around at a bf support group where he knew he might make other women uncomfortable who don’t know him and know he’s a good egg.

many men are grim. The amount of times I’ve breastfed out and about and gross blokes have tried to stare at me even with the BF cover on is countless.

Men are often gross and women aren’t to know the difference between good and bad ones which is why we need safe spaces away from them.

If you’ve got differing needs then get a separate appointment or ask to be seen privately at the beginning or end. Don’t make others uncomfortable

I think this is what is driving me crazy too.

Most women find breastfeeding a challenge. Most women recognise that other postnatal women would prefer to have single sex spaces when discussing issues with breastfeeding. And ultimately other than emotional support the men aren't actually able to solve the problem. It's great that partners want to offer emotional support but they don't need to attend these groups to be supportive.

So basically what we have here is an overwhelming number of posters saying why this would have been a nightmare for them being told by a tiny minority why they should just get over it and pay for private support . Right oh

He doesn’t load the dishwasher properly though so it’s swings and roundabouts.

Haven’t RTFT as it’s so long but OP, YADamnNBU.

He should have been asked to leave right from the start. Weirdo.

This. Mine would have been very aware that it would potentially make others uncomfortable.

I do think some people are incapable of going anywhere on their own!

Terrible news for same sex couples @Doverpuppylover. They're really sunk.

Well done @MNHQ you’ve been brilliant on this thread. Thank you.

If ever proof was needed about men in BF groups, this thread shows why!

I cannot believe the consultant was not strong enough to make their views known and ask the man to leave, or at least sit somewhere private. Instead OP had to wedge herself between bookcases because of him. Unbelievable. Why are womens needs being progressively erased?

Ignore those posters. They aren’t women.

It also makes me laugh how so many people have said 'well not all men are weird pervs' then gone on to tell tales about their husbands massaging their breasts
FML

Thing that strikes me here amongst the "I took my husband along to these groups because I needed support from him for xyz reasons" is that both Mum and DH didn't consider the other women. It's all me me me.

No woman can consent to having a male in private spaces on behalf of other woman. It doesn't matter if your OH is Jesus himself, you are effectively deciding on behalf of all the other women there that their needs, their requirements for privacy, their dignity, don't matter. Don't we raise our daughters to believe that "No Means No" and "No is a complete sentence"? By taking your husband along to a support group such as this you are telling all the other women that "No Means Yes"

@BloodAndFire Sorry, I didn't realise you shared a bed with your friends and their partners to know what they got up to at 2am and whether the wife needed help with breastfeeding, latch etc. Because THAT wouldn't be weird what so ever would it.

OK. So here goes. 2am, my boobs are so painful. 6 day old son is screaming and screaming. He won't latch on, and my let down is just "hell no". I am holding son in one arm. I am holding my breast so that nipple is in sons mouth. Husband using a warm cloth and massaging, as he was shown, to try and encourage the let down to start so milk will flow to my sons mouth and he might, just might, decide to latch and suck.

Do you really need me going into such detail??? Are you really lacking in such empathy or understand that breastfeeding can be very. very difficult for some women? Have you got your kicks for forcing this explanation out of me? Because you are clearly getting something out of accusing women on here.