To think a man has no place at a breastfeeding support group

[Was1anddone]

Went to a local breastfeeding group today ran by the local council and was surprised to see a boyfriend/husband in tow.

I had visited because I had a latching problem that needed the consultant’s hands on support, like many women do. I happily feed in front of male strangers and family members when baby is hungry, but this is not as ‘intimate’ as coming to a clinic where the lactation consultant may need women to expose their breasts, manoeuvre babies and do compressions.

I expressed my suspense to the consultant who wasn’t very happy to see him there and asked if I needed to go somewhere more private. So I spent my breastfeeding support session in between two bookshelves in a children’s centre, which wasn’t what I had in mind.

i’m going to check with the council for clarification but but AIBU to think this should be women only? Nothing about it was appropriate at all, and he was very much ‘watching’ all of us.

there are plenty of things men can do to be equal parents and be involved in the process. If he wanted consultant level advice on how to support his partner with feeding- he could have arranged a £20 zoom session. Why can’t we just have a bloody breastfeeding session?

yes the woman may be ND or have anxiety (didn’t get those vibes from her at all though- presented as NT and very chatty and personable but I understand needs can be hidden or masked) but surely a female chaperone or friend would be more appropriate? And if she didn’t have this the council should offer something more suitable? Our dignity shouldn’t be second to her requirements, if this was the case.

my breastfeeding problem needs lots of compressions and swapping sides so my support was greatly hindered by him being there having a laugh and a cuppa. I’m so pissed off :(

My husband accompanied me to support groups. Sometimes he waited outside, sometimes him and other male partners were present in there group (usually when the layout allowed for them not to ‘sit on top’ of each other and mums). The group leaders would always ask for permission, though. I actually feel that it is important for male partners to have the option to attend (provided that this is sensitively handled by organisers). There are so many threads on here lamenting the lack of bf support at a societal and familial level. The more fathers know and get involved, the more they can support.

But there's many ways your husband could have supported you without having to see my vulnerable exposed body though - and so should there be

And OP was in a women-only space in desperate need of support, support which was disrupted by a man being there.

And I thought my colleagues partner joining her at a NCT meet up was odd, no other partners were there. This is even worse. Absolutely not acceptable.

No it should be the partners with the needy men who have the private space as they are so thankfully in the minority

Yes Mumbles. We are asking for female spaces to remain female spaces.

Why don’t you bore off somewhere else. Your views are not helping here. You are not posting in good faith. I will continue to report your posts. I don’t think you will be around for much longer.

@Doverpuppylover ‘Male support is key to long term success’ Dear lord.

DH was so helpful when I was struggling to establish BF, but he would NEVER enter a space like that.

I think there should be women only groups and groups where men can be there if supporting their partners. I understand why many women would feel
uncomfortable there with a man but for some women that is a barrier. I wasn’t comfortable taking DH to a breastfeeding clinic, he wouldn’t have been comfortable going but that meant I wasn’t able to access the support I needed and I stopped breastfeeding.

It’s all very well and good saying I should take a female friend or relative with me but I didn’t have anyone. My local friends are NCT mums who had their own stuff going on or women have struggled with loss or infertility. I don’t have any family nearby. At the time I was feeding, topping up and pumping and feeding every 3 hours due to low weigh gain. The breastfeeding clinic was 30 minutes away. DH was a crucial part of feeding in those early days because he would take DD when she was too worked up to latch, he would grab the formula, bottles and pump so I could focus on trying to get her in the right position. I needed DH to drive me there so I could sleep in the car, I’d have needed DH to take her and calm her when she wasn’t latching but was getting hungry, I’d have needed DH to watch positioning and latch because I was too exhausted to take anything in by myself.

That's a clinic, the OP was at a support group.

So sorry OP, he should have been kicked out. Good luck breastfeeding, I hope eventually you get the help you need.

There could have been umpteen reasons why he attended, but frankly, he should have been STRONGLY encouraged to wait outside while the consultant was working with other women. Fair enough he's in there for his partners turn, but he shouldn't have been eyeballing other womens instruction.

The simple answer is to have some “women only” sessions and some “all welcome” sessions.

The rights of women who wants “women only” don’t trump those women who want/need a partner, and vice versa. Both groups should and can reasonably be accommodated.

I would let my partner go because I know he's not going to eyeball anyones titties.

Ha ha comical isn't it @Theluggage15
Being involved in your child's breastfeeding journey does not mean you are entitled to get a front row seat with other vulnerable women
And what about women from other cultures where this isn't acceptable for them? We have to say well sorry Steven here is a very hands on involved father we can't possibly push him out...

@Toddlerteaplease And I thought my colleagues partner joining her at a NCT meet up was odd, no other partners were there

What is weird about that? The dads were very much a part of our antenatal group, they even had their own whatsapp. Sometimes they met on their own with and without the babies, sometimes they joined the mums and babies on other meet ups. One dad has much more paternity leave and as a result was there more than the rest.
Plenty of times it was just the mums meeting up.

It’s weird to completely exclude one parent from something like nct like they aren’t involved in having a child at all!

workiskillingme · Today 15:58

Dover if you really can't manage to bring the baby to the breast without captain courage DH to the rescue I do despair

Jesus christ! Wtf is this? Honestly this is a fucking shitty comment for anyone who.had actual serious bf problems. Obviously if a group is meant to be women only fine, no men, but not all groups are so really no excuse for comments like this or ones that suggest any man who attends is inherently a weirdo or somehow less of a man. You may not care about other people with actual real issues that extend beyond being able to bring the baby to the breast, but why don't you read my post from.earlier and you'll see there are certainly some valid reasons that don't mean men need to be excluded from all groups. Especially those that arenot advertised as women.only and those where the couple have asked the room, and in areas where there is NOTHING else available le other than telling the mother tp bit give a bottle under any circumstances.
God I said I wasn't going to follow this thread any more. I really do need to stop.

Think people are forgetting about protected characteristics here. Steven being very doting and hands on isn't a protected characteristic
(Sorry to anyone who's partner is named Steven it's just my example here)

When I was breastfeeding my newborn, the man who was with the woman who was in the bed opposite gawped at me every single time I fed.

It was gross and inappropriate. Men should not be given the option to attend a breastfeeding support group. Not ever. It's not their bloody decision.

The women who objects should not be asked to 'go to a private space'! JFC, this is exactly like those girls who object to trans identified boys in their changing rooms at school being asked to change somewhere else! It is a women's space!!! Why can't the man and his partner go to the private room? I am getting so sick of this dickpandering nonsense, especially when it comes from women themselves. Women are entitled to privacy and dignity in a single sex space.

Male support is absolutely not key to long term success in breastfeeding.

Why on earth do you give men so much importance in what is something that only women can do?

How do you suppose single women breastfeed?

How do you suppose women with unsupportive partners breastfeed?

What a load of nonsense.

Of course it is lovely if a woman has a man there to make her a cuppa when she's sitting down to feed the baby but it isn't the key to fucking success.

Why do some women want to exaggerate the male role in everything? It's almost as if they want to be dependent on men, or to praise them for something that they alone are doing. "oh darling baby couldn't be breastfed were it not for you...' 'I can't manage if you don't come to the support group without me.'