To think a man has no place at a breastfeeding support group

[Was1anddone]

Went to a local breastfeeding group today ran by the local council and was surprised to see a boyfriend/husband in tow.

I had visited because I had a latching problem that needed the consultant’s hands on support, like many women do. I happily feed in front of male strangers and family members when baby is hungry, but this is not as ‘intimate’ as coming to a clinic where the lactation consultant may need women to expose their breasts, manoeuvre babies and do compressions.

I expressed my suspense to the consultant who wasn’t very happy to see him there and asked if I needed to go somewhere more private. So I spent my breastfeeding support session in between two bookshelves in a children’s centre, which wasn’t what I had in mind.

i’m going to check with the council for clarification but but AIBU to think this should be women only? Nothing about it was appropriate at all, and he was very much ‘watching’ all of us.

there are plenty of things men can do to be equal parents and be involved in the process. If he wanted consultant level advice on how to support his partner with feeding- he could have arranged a £20 zoom session. Why can’t we just have a bloody breastfeeding session?

yes the woman may be ND or have anxiety (didn’t get those vibes from her at all though- presented as NT and very chatty and personable but I understand needs can be hidden or masked) but surely a female chaperone or friend would be more appropriate? And if she didn’t have this the council should offer something more suitable? Our dignity shouldn’t be second to her requirements, if this was the case.

my breastfeeding problem needs lots of compressions and swapping sides so my support was greatly hindered by him being there having a laugh and a cuppa. I’m so pissed off :(

Gonna answers this in good faith, assuming you actually want to know. If you're just making a point then hopefully it'll educate others wondering the same. If bf was easy for someone it's probably hard to envisage how or why you'd need any kind of support.

For us I was hopeless at remembering anything about it and bf was going terrible, everything that I was told just went in and out, was often contradictory and I was beyond desperation.

The support I had from DH was mostly around how to hold the baby properly (keeping him level, different holds I had forgotten), latching (he would watch and wait for DS' mouth to open wide enough then kinda quickly guide him on) and holding DS' hands out of the way. I remember distinctly realising in the first few days that I couldn't understand how anyone could breastfeed solo because you need an arm to hold the baby and support their head, a hand to sandwich your breast into a more palatable shape, and then another to keep their hands out of the way! I found it all incredibly stressful and difficult and not intuitive at all and was so grateful DH could absorb the advice and then guide us both/remind me of it. I got the hang of it after a few weeks but those early days we'd have had to stop without him.

Additionally, not everyone has a baby without additional health complications which can make it more difficult. Had to figure out feeding around an NG tube after DS starved due to insufficient supply and so forth. And don't discount the importance of emotional support, someone bringing you water and snacks and encouraging you and reminding you that you can do it during a time when your hormones are all over the place and you're in bits physically. I was suicidal at points.

I didn't say that?!

if its women only why didnt the consulatant ask him to leave-its their own rules

And Dover the group the op has posted about isn't so I've no idea why you keep insisting we are all man hating frigid weirdos for not wanting mr hands on dad to gawp at our breasts

Obviously not though.

soz

@Mummbles I have RTFT, all of it. I've also reported you a couple of times, so your goading posts don't derail what is a great thread, and will continue to do so. You're not posting in good faith, and you don't belong here.

@NewNameWhoDis2 I was actively suicidal the first time I walked into a breastfeeding support group and needed to get ds assessed for tongue tie. The people everywhere . The noise. I hadn't slept for three months prior and was under peri natal mental health. Having your husband there would have probably made me run into the oncoming traffic. But hey as long as the mens feelings are protected hey

Fuck me there's some vicious posts on this thread.

Not all women are the same. Some want single-sex breast feeding support and others want their SO there for help. Neither of them are wrong.

There should be split support groups so both can be accommodated.

Absolutely no need for this level of bile and vitriol or hounding of certain posters.

Places can choose to under the law and should do so. That provides a space for women who aren't comfortable with men there and also a separate space for women who'd like a man that. Many PP here are demanding all spaces must insist no men are allowed and that leaves only one side being facilitated.

@Mummbles

what a strong argument you have! Not!

why on earth are you so against female only spaces

the patriarchy is alive and well in you!

You clearly didn't RTFT then.

@workiskillingme

disgraceful isn’t it

I hope things are better for you now 💐

Nobody on the thread who had their husbands or partners present in a BF clinic has confirmed if they would be ok with a separate room or cordoned off area.

Is it that you all believe that women who are uncomfortable should leave before your men go into a separate area? I know some of you do but all of you?

Yeah but it would have been your husband there, you’re bound to not care if he saw your tits. What about all the other poor women who are struggling, are clearly there for a reason and would feel desperately uncomfortable trying to feed and discuss problems openly in front of some random spare prick at a wedding (your husband).

Jesus Christ. There are no safe spaces left for vulnerable women are there?

Have you actually read what I've said?

I said SOME should be female only and SOME shouldn't. That means there are SOME female only spaces. That means ALL women get what they need.

I've been relentlessly attacked and called a selfish bitch. And, yeah, that argument wasn't strong, it was the exact weakness of the post I was responding to though, wasn't it?

FFS. Do you all REALLY think that men are there for kicks?

My husband was not there because he wanted to be there. Given half a choice he wouldn't have been. He was there because I was at breaking point and asked him to come. He was there to support his wife who was his main concern. Why was my need less than anyone elses? At that point, yes, I desperately needed some support for my entire wellbeing which was entirely focussed on successful breast feeding - unhealthily so, but that's how it was.

Well I guess if we'd both attended the same group and had a showdown we would both have just killed ourselves then as our needs were so contradictory.

Thank you @LuckySantangelo35
Thankfully for me my friend is a bf support worker also passionate about womens rights and safe spaces and is also happily married and manages not to be a man hater who knew

I went to a breastfeeding support group in the early days of our journey. My boyfriend came with us twice. He wasn't the only one there either. Partners should be encouraged to come if their partners want them to. They shouldn't be watching you but when you're struggling it's nice for them to see and be able to continue the support at home

No I haven't. I have seen women feeding.