To think a man has no place at a breastfeeding support group

[Was1anddone]

Went to a local breastfeeding group today ran by the local council and was surprised to see a boyfriend/husband in tow.

I had visited because I had a latching problem that needed the consultant’s hands on support, like many women do. I happily feed in front of male strangers and family members when baby is hungry, but this is not as ‘intimate’ as coming to a clinic where the lactation consultant may need women to expose their breasts, manoeuvre babies and do compressions.

I expressed my suspense to the consultant who wasn’t very happy to see him there and asked if I needed to go somewhere more private. So I spent my breastfeeding support session in between two bookshelves in a children’s centre, which wasn’t what I had in mind.

i’m going to check with the council for clarification but but AIBU to think this should be women only? Nothing about it was appropriate at all, and he was very much ‘watching’ all of us.

there are plenty of things men can do to be equal parents and be involved in the process. If he wanted consultant level advice on how to support his partner with feeding- he could have arranged a £20 zoom session. Why can’t we just have a bloody breastfeeding session?

yes the woman may be ND or have anxiety (didn’t get those vibes from her at all though- presented as NT and very chatty and personable but I understand needs can be hidden or masked) but surely a female chaperone or friend would be more appropriate? And if she didn’t have this the council should offer something more suitable? Our dignity shouldn’t be second to her requirements, if this was the case.

my breastfeeding problem needs lots of compressions and swapping sides so my support was greatly hindered by him being there having a laugh and a cuppa. I’m so pissed off :(

They're not sexual objects

Yeah, they are actually. Most female mammals don't have the large fatty breasts around their mammary glands that we do. Female breasts are prominently placed and have additional fat around them. They've evolved to be visual signifiers of the sexual maturity of the female. So its not surprising that men have evolved to be sexually attracted to breasts.

And your desire to have your husband there does not trump other women's rights to single sex breastfeeding support groups.

I was responding to someone who said that men literally never get sexually assaulted. Don't attack me - your "side" brought men getting sexually assaulted into this. Don't want it to be a topic, respond to the person who brought it up?

@Doverpuppylover and you have no idea that gawping partner isn't a controlling abusive husband who won't allow his wife space to disclose what's going on in their relationship if we are going down the 'but what if...' route
Women breastfeed. Women have breasts. They are the ones who need privacy and dignity more than a father needs to feel 'included'
There are so many post natal groups and organisations mr involved dad can tag along to- nct for one. It's disgusting how women are not allowed one single same sex group even when breastfeeding is entirely a female act

YADNBU

this would make me leave the session. I'm not a shy person at all but I despise breastfeeding in front of men I don't know. It just makes me feel so uncomfortable. Did you say anything to the host?

I said earlier that if a group was advertised as being female only we'd have respected that. But if a group isn't, then it's for both parents, so you're not violating any kind of 'right' to a single sex breastfeeding support group.

How much success do the women have who don’t feel they can attend these groups because they don’t want to expose their breasts in front of random men? Do they matter?

Dover if you really can't manage to bring the baby to the breast without captain courage DH to the rescue I do despair
But hey make 12 women uncomfortable as long as he gets to feel like man of the moment fml

I don't think you understand how these groups work - mums come to get their latch checked which means the lactation consultant/peer supporter would need to see the baby and mum together. Leaving one or both would completely negate the point of attending.

I'm not going to weigh in on the argument either way but a couple of points that have been made seem to not realise what good BF support can cost ...

Yes, separate groups would be lovely but who's funding all of them? I volunteer at one and we have been given a free space for 2 hours a week. We give our time as volunteers, we don't get paid.

And for those saying they should get help in their own home, a private lactation consultant appointment in my not London area is upwards of £70. The groups are free to allow any mother to access quality support, but especially at this time, £70 is a lot to ask.

Also asking HV for support is not often the same as a specialist drop in.

Again, not getting involved either way but please don't assume the solution is "they should just run more groups" "they should get support at home" because it's truly not that simple.

I think you're right that a man has no business there. But the flip side of that is I also believe women shouldn't breastfeed in public without covering themselves over. You either acknowledge that breasts also have an inherently sexual component, in which case they shouldn't be exposed even during bf, or you don't acknowledge that, in which case men can attend bf support groups.

He should have been told to leave.

Ignore them. They're right - your desire to have your husband there does not trump other women's rights to single sex breastfeeding support groups. They just failed to point out the important part that if they want their right to a single sex breastfeeding support group then they should've gone to one. It's like complaining at the travel agent when they have a right to an education but went to a travel agent instead of a school. Having a right to something doesn't mean having a right to it where ever you decide to want it.

Breastfeeding support groups are female only, since only females can breastfeed. Its right there in the name.

It's not "support group for those who support a breastfeeding woman". Ffs!

Ha, yes I know. I just think it's worth pointing out that what they believe to be a right really isn't. It's a preference.

Having men present prevents women from communities with "modesty guidelines" from getting help. They should be included in groups like this, especially if run by public bodies.

And again, how much success do the women have who avoid these groups because they don’t want to have to get their breasts out in front of random men? Do they matter?

@Mummbles Yes, with a nonsense anecdote about how lots of men got assaulted in a club you once worked in. Versus the actual, appalling statistics about male violence and sexual assault towards women.

Pure MRA drivel.

As is your comment about feeling uncomfortable around other women. Also straight from the MRA playbook.

As I said, your mask is slipping.

I assumed it was goady or faux-naive because so many PP have already discussed how - if eg a disabled woman needs support to attend - she could choose a female companion & not bring her male partner. So clearly women are comfortable with non-pregnant female companions attending.

Apologies that I misread your intentions @PlumPudd
I would hazard that the only women who would be prepared to object to your presence in these circumstances would be homophobes, & you don't need to worry about their opinions.

No, they're not, unless advertised as female-only. As you can see from the thread many posters have attended bf groups with male partners or seen male partners there. Unless it's advertised as female-only then both are welcome.

@Doverpuppylover it's not disgusting at all. What is disgusting is your husband insisting he shoehorn himself into every situation that doesn't involve him despite the fact it makes other women uncomfortable
And how do you know nobody felt uncomfortable? You don't but I can assure you you wouldn't care less anyway