To think a man has no place at a breastfeeding support group

[Was1anddone]

Went to a local breastfeeding group today ran by the local council and was surprised to see a boyfriend/husband in tow.

I had visited because I had a latching problem that needed the consultant’s hands on support, like many women do. I happily feed in front of male strangers and family members when baby is hungry, but this is not as ‘intimate’ as coming to a clinic where the lactation consultant may need women to expose their breasts, manoeuvre babies and do compressions.

I expressed my suspense to the consultant who wasn’t very happy to see him there and asked if I needed to go somewhere more private. So I spent my breastfeeding support session in between two bookshelves in a children’s centre, which wasn’t what I had in mind.

i’m going to check with the council for clarification but but AIBU to think this should be women only? Nothing about it was appropriate at all, and he was very much ‘watching’ all of us.

there are plenty of things men can do to be equal parents and be involved in the process. If he wanted consultant level advice on how to support his partner with feeding- he could have arranged a £20 zoom session. Why can’t we just have a bloody breastfeeding session?

yes the woman may be ND or have anxiety (didn’t get those vibes from her at all though- presented as NT and very chatty and personable but I understand needs can be hidden or masked) but surely a female chaperone or friend would be more appropriate? And if she didn’t have this the council should offer something more suitable? Our dignity shouldn’t be second to her requirements, if this was the case.

my breastfeeding problem needs lots of compressions and swapping sides so my support was greatly hindered by him being there having a laugh and a cuppa. I’m so pissed off :(

Lol at breasts not being sexual objects.

All of the debate surrounding this aside.....I'd hazard a guess that he was neither, so still based on this he shouldn't have been there?

I didn't see the poll maybe that's why the voting is so low not everyone can see it.

Handbagsandfabs Sheesh Hands. If you had read the opening post. It stated that the actual breast feeding consultant wasn't happy for start.
As to fathers not being at the birth your ageism (and lack of knowledge I might add) is showing there too. Mine certainly was and it was consider a norm even back then in those mists of maternity time!.
As to being precious no, she also stated in the opening post that she had breast fed her babies before men even strange men before. And as she is the one going through the hassle of breast feeding not the man, his wish and even the mans wife/partners wish for him to to be there don't count.

My children were both breastfed until 2. Our local group advertised that it was specifically for newborns to get feeding established.

I remember going alone while seriously struggling and in pain, there were breastfed toddlers there running all over, even a preschooler. There were several dads present who were loud and ate all the cake. it was a like a social event for all these people who seemed to know each other forever.

I think I cried in a corner for 30 minutes while the midwife and two supporters caught up with their friends. I left without having been acknowledged beyond writing my name down, by any of the staff.

I even double checked I'd actually gone to the newborn group and not something different! I put in a detailed complaint and I know the group lost funding not long after.

Breasts aren't intimate?!?

What are you smoking @Doverpuppylover ?

Stop being ridiculous

If he hasn't learned about BF already, and can't support without invading womens spaces, he's a really really shit man.

The worrying this is how some women have been beaten down to think this is okay

You're right tbf, I should have said I don't want to go back to that!

It's like people who are desperate to remove male midwives from the profession, despite the impact that would have on women's care from getting rid of qualified trained professionals just because. Fine to request that you have a female midwife where possible if that's important to someone. But some people actually want to get rid of them because THEY would feel uncomfortable, so nobody else can benefit from that clinician's expertise. They funnily enough don't seem to keen on getting rid of male obstetricians, doctors and nurses who do similar roles...

It's tragic seeing the 'why would any normal man want to go to a breastfeeding class', honestly. The people some women partner up with.

You said you didn't go to any bf support groups so this debate wouldn't be applicable to you! No one is denying how difficult bf can be. If it went smoothly, they'd be no need to go to the group in the first place. Having partner support is also invaluable. It doesn't mean they should come in to the group sessions though.

@PlumPudd as your wife has given birth she will understand that breastfeeding mothers can be vulnerable.

This discussion is about a male attending a female support group, making at least one breastfeeding mother uncomfortable and staring at other women's tits.

Trans identifying men are women, so that's not an issue.

So it feels like we're just crawling out of 'women shouldn't BF in public, it's disgusting' and rushing into 'men should be allowed into BF groups'.

There wasn't much of a gap between the two...

You can't imagine any father wanting to be present to learn about breastfeeding so he can support his partner and child? You know some shit men.

Why does he need to attend a support group for breastfeeding women to learn this?

Books and the internet are available.

Women do breastfeed in public. It's not viewing, it's just life. Breastfeeding is protected by law to allow women to breastfeed how and when they feel comfortable doing so - you are telling women they can't do that because you're insisting your version of comfortable is the only version of comfortable. Some women are uncomfortable with men there, some are uncomfortable alone. Your opinion is not the only one that matters - I know you struggle to be told this but it's true - OTHER PEOPLE MATTER.

Haha 🤣

I imagine at those groups they don't actually get their cocks out though..

Breasts are sexualised by men you can't say that's not true. Women don't often feel comfortable letting men they don't know see their breasts. Sure some won't care but I know many like myself wouldn't feel comfortable at a group getting mine out trying to feed with a man in the room.

I went to two sessions (East London, 2020). Almost all the women in attendance had their male partners with them, including me. I assume that if any woman had wanted privacy she could have said so and been moved to a more private space. Maybe this was even happening while I was there - I wasn’t paying close attention to everyone else.

Breastfeeding can be very very difficult. An educated support network can help. My DH was able to observe everything I was shown and then later he was able to help me replicate it. He also got to hear from the specialists about how draining breastfeeding is and how he should be waiting on me with food and drinks ☺️

I don’t think banning partners from attending these groups is very progressive or helpful. Breastfeeding isn’t taboo or sexual or shameful. I personally think anybody should be allowed to accompany the mum, as long as they behave appropriately.

I used to be a bit shy about feeding in public. I made an effort to overcome this and I now feed wherever/whenever is most convenient for me - and hopefully do my little bit to normalise it. Again, I’m not sure that barring men from support groups is helpful on this front.

Couldn't the same be said for the entire concept of the group though... or do women not have internet access where you are? How are even posting here?

Are you 3?
Men don't do the actually breastfeeding. They only need theory, they can get that from a book or the internet.Women have the breasts and might need the practical help.
Did you actually need that explaining? Wow.

I posted earlier.

I was so sleep deprived and broken from birth I couldn't absorb anything. So DH was able to listen and learn and then remind us of what to do/practically support later on once we were alone. He was great at learning how to position the baby, get a proper latch etc. I know from experience posters will mock that my husband supported us in that way but it's true and we'd have given up very quickly if not for that support as I was utterly clueless and crap at it. It's not just about learning about the theory of breastfeeding, it's about learning how to actually do it with your individual baby and body.

My husband came to breastfeeding drop ins with my and DC1, because like a lot of others I was exhausted and recovering from a physically difficult birth and couldn’t carry the car seat myself. I don’t have close friends locally as we’ve moved a lot, and my mum and MIL are 3 hours drive away, so it was DH or I wasn’t going to be able to get support.
It also helped that he could see the correct latch from the other side and help correct things once we were home.

However, he only came with me in the early days when I couldn’t get myself there without him, and he stepped out of the room if any other women turned up, even if they had male partners with them.

I think in scenarios like this a bit of kindness and understanding all round would go a long way.

Some men don't particularly see breasts as sexual- that's not the point really. To me they are private and why should I be forced to have a man who really doesn't need to be there seeing them whether he's gawping or trying to make conversation about the weather? And it's really not comparable to a male doctor gynaecologist etc this is not someone there to do a job or to help the women at the group he is there because he has no appropriate boundaries and has sadly managed to convince his partner that she needs him by her side for half an hour out of her life