To think a man has no place at a breastfeeding support group

[Was1anddone]

Went to a local breastfeeding group today ran by the local council and was surprised to see a boyfriend/husband in tow.

I had visited because I had a latching problem that needed the consultant’s hands on support, like many women do. I happily feed in front of male strangers and family members when baby is hungry, but this is not as ‘intimate’ as coming to a clinic where the lactation consultant may need women to expose their breasts, manoeuvre babies and do compressions.

I expressed my suspense to the consultant who wasn’t very happy to see him there and asked if I needed to go somewhere more private. So I spent my breastfeeding support session in between two bookshelves in a children’s centre, which wasn’t what I had in mind.

i’m going to check with the council for clarification but but AIBU to think this should be women only? Nothing about it was appropriate at all, and he was very much ‘watching’ all of us.

there are plenty of things men can do to be equal parents and be involved in the process. If he wanted consultant level advice on how to support his partner with feeding- he could have arranged a £20 zoom session. Why can’t we just have a bloody breastfeeding session?

yes the woman may be ND or have anxiety (didn’t get those vibes from her at all though- presented as NT and very chatty and personable but I understand needs can be hidden or masked) but surely a female chaperone or friend would be more appropriate? And if she didn’t have this the council should offer something more suitable? Our dignity shouldn’t be second to her requirements, if this was the case.

my breastfeeding problem needs lots of compressions and swapping sides so my support was greatly hindered by him being there having a laugh and a cuppa. I’m so pissed off :(

That sounds very humane and respectful of women.
Well done for sticking up for women.

”People who identify as women “
🤦🏻‍♀️ In an attempt to be inclusive, they've forgotten that transmen and non-binary people may want to breastfeed their baby and they don't identify as women.

Not according to Mumsnet. Read the poll. The vast majority think the OP is not unreasonable.

Yes, YABU.

When I had DS bf was a nightmare for us and DH's support was absolutely crucial. I was too tired to think straight or remember things so he would be there for feeding consultations, listen and learn, then help us when we were by ourselves. He was great at positioning, reminding me to keep baby more level, helping with latch and so forth, way better than me. I genuinely wouldn't have been able to continue without his support, emotional and practical.

We didn't go to any bf support groups as we learned by that point that info and technique wasn't the problem (serious underproducer that sadly couldn't be corrected) but if we had then we'd have gone as a team because as DS' parents we were both invested in him feeding properly and two sets of ears to absorb info, ask questions etc. was better than one. Can't imagine just making him stay outside for the sake of it, honestly.

I really don't think anyone wants to go back to the dark ages where husbands aren't involved in the feeding and care of their children and it's all down to the mother.

However if a session was advertised as female only we'd obviously respect that, but I wouldn't think to contemplate that DH wouldn't have been allowed, the NHS feeding class during pregnancy was 50/50 mums and dads too which was nice.

If bf had been smooth sailing for us with no issues after a straightforward birth then I can imagine having coped okay with just doing it all alone, but for many women bf is hell and needs so much guidance and support, I'd never want to force someone to go through that alone when the baby has two parents.

The genes are the important bit XX can breastfeed

XY cannot.

No need to go “oh ffs” or assume I’m trying to score points or goad. @KettrickenSmiled

Im a pregnant woman in a same sex marriage. My wife gave birth to our first kid. So I’ve been the non birthing mum, and am about to start negotiating the world of post natal clinics, NCT groups and parenting classes from a new perspective (birthing mum). It isn’t always easy being the only same sex couple around / being the only women in a group of male “partners” / wondering whether you’re welcome in spaces that are full of post birth women if you’re a woman who hasn’t just given birth. I was asking a genuine question on a thread that’s about this kind of topic. Is that not allowed?

I’ve read enough posts on MN to know this isn’t categorically the case. Any of the threads about this and post-natal wards show there is a large group of people who think this is ok.

Love this.

Which is really why all the 'identification' blurb is a crock of old bollocks (or not, as the case may be) in the first place.

This exactly!!!!! he should have been asked to sit outside! I can't believe he thought it was appropriate. I would definitely contact the council and complain and they can pursue it. Did the leader not think to ask him to leave?

I'm all for men being involved 50/50 in childcare - but this is a support group for intimate female anatomy, he definitely shouldn't be allowed there. I'm outraged on your behalf OP

That's the brilliance of the irony on this thread. Women saying "why does that selfish bitch need support anyway?" like, she's going to a support group. Clearly she needs support.

The only part of your post I disagree with is that no one wants to go back to where husbands aren't involved - I think a lot of women on here desperately want that, and the comments demonstrate that.

God, the typos in my post uptrend 😳

Male drug induced secretions is not breast feeding, it’s an ego trip at the expense of the baby.

No. It sais WOMEN AND people who identify as women.
Transmen and nonbinary are in fact women and are covered by the first part.
The second part should have been left off though

You can't imagine any father wanting to be present to learn about breastfeeding so he can support his partner and child? You know some shit men.

@Mummbles I can assure you my husband was 'involved' and even a good dad without ever setting foot in a woman's safe space

BF was a nightmare for many of us. Many of us had traumatic births abd did not sleep for days. That's exactly why we dont want men eating digestives and snickering while we struggle to feed and spray milk everywhere.

But as I said, a compromise is possible where men go into a separate private area or room, but that might hurt their feelings or the feelings of their partners.

Male wants trump women’s needs. Same as it ever was.

Tell that to the men staring at them

Of course, no issue at all with private space.
All the later ones I went to alone.
The desperation of milk arriving and baby unable to latch was awful.
I would want any woman to have the support she needs at these clinics. If private spaces are required they should be made available.

@NewNameWhoDis2 what is he going to learn? It's not his body and they aren't his breasts. He won't be learning to latch the baby because this may shock you- he's not able to breastfeed!

Many BF groups are far more progressive and encourage male partners, let alone just allow them in.

I fail to see how including men, who cannot breastfeed, into a group for women who are the only people who can, is progressive?

Why do men need to be involved in everything we do?

What about the vast majority of women who want and need single sex spaces to maintain their safety and dignity? By being 'progressive' you are actively excluding many women (who are the ones who are doing the feeding). To me that's the polar opposite of progression. No man NEEDS to be in a group of this nature.

If women need their partner to support then there should be other options available.